Normal Vs. Super-Comfortable

I want to help my friend with cancer, but there are forces at work here greater than me. It's not just cancer. That sounds like a cakewalk, just cancer.  In reality, she's a complex person. It's all so logical to me: Someone has cancer so you make their lives super-comfortable and give them all they need so they can get better quickly. That's what I'm thinking. She's thinking let's keep things as normal as possible. Let's try to make this as minimal an interruption. Let's not bother anyone. Somehow I've crept through that brick wall and she leans on me. But no one else can know, that's her dream. She doesn't want to do anything weak. She doesn't want to feel like life is passing her by. My paradigm cannot survive in her paradigm.

Have you run into this paradox? 

On 4/15/2008 spaceponynumber7 wrote:

I want to help my friend with cancer, but there are forces at work here greater than me. It's not just cancer. That sounds like a cakewalk, just cancer.  In reality, she's a complex person. It's all so logical to me: Someone has cancer so you make their lives super-comfortable and give them all they need so they can get better quickly. That's what I'm thinking. She's thinking let's keep things as normal as possible. Let's try to make this as minimal an interruption. Let's not bother anyone. Somehow I've crept through that brick wall and she leans on me. But no one else can know, that's her dream. She doesn't want to do anything weak. She doesn't want to feel like life is passing her by. My paradigm cannot survive in her paradigm.

Have you run into this paradox? 

I can see why you are so concerned to help your friend.  But one thing you have to remember is that it is her life and her decision.  As a cancer patient, I know exactly what she means.  When people find out you have cancer, they change.  Not always for the best.  Friends and family members can become distant quite quickly.  Not because they don't care, but because they do not understand and do not know what to say in most cases.  If you truly want to help your friend, you need to do it her way, not yours.  Be there for her, help her where you can, listen to her, and respect her right to privacy.  If she is one of the ones to reach remission, it will be easier for her to resume normal life again.  If her condition worsens, she may change her mind and ask that you let other chosen people know.  I'm sure she is very greatful for having you as a friend and she must have trust in you or you would not have been told about her condition either.  It's very important that you keep that bond, for her sake right now.  It will be even more important if something happens to her later and you have kept the bond, you will have peace of mind knowing that you were truly a great friend to her and did all that you could.  God Bless you both. 

I had a simple mastectomy 3/13 for  a large cancer. I am only 56, relatively healthy. My surgery was an outpatient procedure but they wanted me to spend a night in the hospital for observation. I walked around the hospital floor so much they talked the surgeon into letting me go home. I probably could have driven myself home but they of course wouldn't let me. I only took

6 pain pills. I guess I am a complicated  person too, but that independence felt so good. I've been reading blogs about chemo, and I think I am going to have some rough times. There are so many ways that you can support your friend now by just being there and in the future however it comes out. Cancer is such an unknown in your life and you must be very special  to her. Just hang in there with her. I am a hospice nurse, so cancer in the end stages is very familiar to me. The saddest cases are the ones who die alone. Hopefully your friend will be a survivor.

We tried doing the super-comfortable thing with my dad. (EC Stage III) We just wanted him to take it easy and get better. What I discovered was that the more "normal" things were, the better Daddy did. My philosophy is this: Cancer makes you and everyone around you realize how completely helpless we all are to fight this beast. Daddy cannot control the cancer, but he can control other things. So we let him control the things he wants to and we pick up the slack on everything else.

I will be praying for you and your friend!