Yes I want to help you as much as I can, your post touched my heart, I felt like I was looking into my own daughters future and seeing a bit of the pain she will no doubt experience as most loving daughters that loose their mums will.
Yes it wouldn’t be easy with sharing certain things with your Dad and Brother, they probably don’t know how to either, allot of men seem to bottle things up, hopefully this will change for you over time, but there is that special place for girly connections for sure.
I can imagine you had to grow up super quick with all that was happening, almost a sense of being robbed isn't it, I cried like a baby last night to my Husband, he asked me what was wrong and I was so choked up, I told him of your post, I couldn’t go to Gym today, my girlfriend asked me why, I told her of your post and couldnt even repeat it to her, the lump in my throat got the better of me, she told me that I shouldn’t read things that trigger memories, what I expected to hear from a caring mate who hasn’t a clue poor luv, I am so glad I read your post its good therapy for me, but they don’t understand that, my husband was good though.
I have had what many would consider some awful and interesting life experiences, many of my friends tell me to write a book, I have learnt that the things that we go through can be turned around for good, not always at the time they happen of course, as there is so much pain and darkness, but things can be used for good, such as your post helping me already with dealing how I might need to deal with my own children, its so hard to know how to handle these things.
My daughter seems to be allot like her Dad, until they get the hard facts its work as normal, my son is different he is a big softy. I feel so alone at times, my mates say its probably nothing and don’t worry about it. My acquaintances say to me they don’t believe I have “it” not to worry. As time passes people don’t ask as much anymore about how I'm feeling or what's happening, its like being pregnant and being near the end, you have people coming up to you asking when is it due? and you tell them and they go away and again they are back asking the same ol question, when is it due?, you get sick of telling them, in the end they don’t ask and you wonder if it will ever come yourself, you kind of get sick of them asking, but when they don’t, you wonder if they really care, some people are never satisfied ha ha.
I feel like shouting out to my mates when they say you “probably don’t have it”, I feel like shouting out AND WHAT IF I DO! Every one wants to be positive around me, which gets on my nerves at times, sometimes I wonder if I just want the attention, which is probably true, be nice to be loved a bit, ha ha. I wonder are they being positive for my sakes and if they really are freaking out as much as I am, again its that wall of protection we somehow think is best for everyone isn't it, I can only hope people are worried, I mean really worried about me, again that need to be loved.
I guess it doesn’t help because I'm pretty fit and healthy looking its hard to work it out for them, but I have regular scans to see if there is any growth in the Lymph nodes, which there has been 2-3 millimeters, but that could be the difference in scanning machines I was told. I have refused the biopsy at this stage, because the operation is more risky than the “possibility” of Lymphoma they think I “might” have, they wanted a biopsy that is near the Aorta, which most Surgeons here appear scared to do on me, I don’t want anyone who has no confidence coming near me with a knife, specially ones who doesn’t normally work in that area of the body...long story...
I think if I pretend its not happening and keep everything “normal” my kids wont suffer as much and I will save them some pain and it wont effect their day to day life's as much, but your right, each day is precious and we all should live life like its our last day on this earth whether were faced with a terminal illness or not, we don’t know what a day might bring forth, “live to be missed” is my motto.
I guess as a parent we like to protect our kids from everything that has hurt and pain attached to it and its this mechanism that comes into play when faced with such darkness as being faced with our own deaths, but your right we need to really consider if its “right” the way we handle a situation such as this.
Again you have really helped me more than I have helped you, I will be open and honest about my feelings from now on and let my kids know that I will miss them and all their junk scattered all over the place and their cheek. I find I get stressed and show more anger, which I think is so stupid of me.
I work as a Carer and have been involved in Palliative care situations myself, its so hard knowing that the person that we are looking after has no hope of living and watching their families, trying to read their faces is not easy, not knowing how each one copes with this situation is where we have to be sensitive and some times seems cold I am sure.
All I know is I personally don’t want to die too positive, when I know my end is near and all hope is ended, I don’t want to be that positive or shut off from people that are closest to me, or them to me. Thinking that I might save someone some heartache and visa versa, instead taking from them and me those last moments and words of how much we really loved each other and how much we will really miss each other, you have given me food for thought, it would be good to hear from people like yourself on this side of things more often.
I have never been a sentimental person, my best mate was, she said to me if her house was burning down she would grab her photos, I used to think she was nuts, she thought I was nuts too, if you knew my past you would understand why I was a hard nut, but anyway I have started to become sentimental over these past few months, better late than never they say, memories are so precious to look back on and photos are the ideal medium for this.
I was discussing with a friend how it is lacking that they don’t have a book where you can write what your favorite things were down in and share your life experiences, so if you were to pass on, you could leave something for your kids to read and remember you by, there was nothing. I thought I would like to make something like this, you could put it all in a wooden box and place photos and put a bottle of your favorite perfume in there and a favorite recipe or two and jewelry piece or scarf, so that on my birthday or their birthdays they could cook my favorite foods and wear or display my favorite colours and spray my perfume around or on, I thought would do different things for my son to personalize it a bit, just so that they could somehow reconnect with me, until we meet up in Heaven. Look through the special photos I chose for their boxes to look through on that special day or when they were really missing me, somehow they could be as close as possible to me to ease some of that pain. The book was the problem there was nothing I could find, this is going back a few months ago, anyway I was at a book shop with another girl friend the other week and there it was a book called “ A Mothers Legacy” I had to stop myself from crying when I spotted it,it has allot of entry areas with questions such as “what was the name of your favorite pet? Why was it your favorite” the book takes you back to your childhood and brings you through, something that through life you would probably share with your kids if you were around.
I was thinking maybe you could make up a personal wooden box for yourself when you were ready, a work in progress, it will take time and memories will come to mind, jot them down and add them when you can. Decorate the wooded box, it doesn’t have to be massive it can be the size of a big photo album, so you can slip in a good handful of photos and a book and trinkets, place in there the perfume that she wore most or liked, the sense of smell will trigger memories of her, her special little things e.g. a ring or necklace things that she wore or really loved or both, you can include sayings, I normally have a saying that was passed down to me from my dad it goes like this “if your going to do a job do it properly the first time” I tell my kids this all the time, it never made sense when I was younger but it did years later. Place in there special photos, and even think about the things she liked cooking or liked eating and anything else that will trigger special memories for you, places she liked going, things she liked watching. Buy a book, a hard cover if you cannot locate a already designed book for this purpose and you could do up the pages with headings and questions and answers, like scrap booking, make it interesting, ask your Dad or any other family members about things, any holidays or special school events she attended or made or bought for you, Birthday presents over the years or gifts in general, try to remember “everything” you can, focus on any good things and don’t allow any negative things to enter your mind, if they do, pass them aside quickly, this is a happy creation of your mum your trying to achieve. If there is anything bad with a good outcome then add that, life is one big lesson and we are in this school of learning all our life's, none of us are perfect and I think I'm pretty much the worst parent on this planet, until God got a hold of me and sorted me out, that’s why I am doing the book myself before my kids get the chance ha ha. You could share this with your own children's children, when they ask you about Grandma you wont sit there with brain fog, you can just whip out that lovely box of memories and go through it with them, so they too can get close to her as possible.
Hope this has helped, I do go on and on don’t I.
I hope this fits on this message board!!
Love Michaela and *BIG HUGS*