How Do I Get My Son Back

hi everyone

             I was diagnosed may 2005 with stage 3 bc, as we all know this is the worst thing we can be told. I  am a fighter so i accepted  my cancer as was ready to fight. My husband was great as well as my daughter,but my son took the news really bad. He  and I were very close but after finding out I had cancer he withdrew himself from my life. He still lives at home but keeps his distants from me. When I was going through my treatments he very rarely came in my room to see how I was and when I had my breast removed he only came to the hospital after my surgery. The worst thing is that he has become an  alcholic and a drug user. This is killing me. All we do is fight and when ever I say anthing  He tells me that this is my fault. His dad and I have offered him rehab but hes says he is fine,but when he gets in trouble he calls us to fix things. My son was a loving caring person who never left the house without kissing me good bye and telling me he loved me I so want that back but I dont know what to do.I blame my cancer on destroying this loving man .He is 25 and  i am so afraid that he is going to  kill himself with drugs and alchol  I just am at my wits end .Any Advice?

How very sad and traumatic for you.

When my Dad was diagnosed with bowel cancer back in 1999, I was so totally shocked and in denial that I too "went off the rails" somewhat.  I started going out all the time and drinking excessively.  I was traumatised within, and yet was unable to discuss my dads cancer with him.  His cancer had spread to his liver and was in his blood, but I could not talk to him about it, despite us being the closest Father and daughter there was. 

It was only when he was so desperately ill towards the end and was diagnosed with 8 weeks to live, that I finally faced everthing, and spent every single day and night from thereon at his side.  I did all I could to make up for the time I had spent avoiding him, and was with him, holding his hand as he took his last breath.

To this day, I am ridden with guilt that I did not do more for him and did not face his ordeal with him during his final year of life.  Our closeness was in my mind, the reason for my distance at this critical time, and I can therefore, somewhat appreciate what your son is going through - he is simply so distraught and traumatised by what is happening to his precious Mum that he simply cannot face the facts.

He needs counselling, and support.  Are there no family members that can help him through this? You both need as much support and help that you can get - I truly feel for you all - and wish you the very best of luck with your ongoing fight

 

 

Thank you for  sharing your story with me. I am sorry for your loss. Yes there are family members he can speak with but my cancer is off  limits to speak about. Im glad you were able to come to terms with your dads illness and be with him at the end. I pray everyday my son will come around. I thank you

Hi! I too have a 25 year old son who became an alcoholic after my diagnosis with cancer. It was a very hard time during my chemo and radiation. He is a sweet bay, but during this time he became uncontrollable and very angry.  He did finally agree to go to rehab. He did very with that, but then turned to pain pills. He has now been to medical detox for the pain pills and is finally becoming the son I used to know. Keep your head up and hopefully your son will come around also.  I am doing well now and I think he is not as scared as he was at first. 

thank you donnalynn.Im glad to here your son is doing well. I hope my son turns the corner soon. Im glad to know im not the only one who is going through this thanks for your support

My son was a junior in high school when I was diagnosed. He did not turn to drugs or alcohol, but he did withdraw from me. I was really worried about him but he would not talk about it. We were extremely close--I had been a single parent until recently--and suddenly that was gone. It broke my heart. After my surgeries and chemo he (my cancer was Stage 2) I was able to get him to talk to me a little, just one time. He said that it was so terrifying for him that he just could not cope with it. Even now he does not want to talk about it. I don't know if you can get your son to talk to someone or not, but if there is a local support group for relatives and friends of cancer patients, see if you can get someone else to go to there and seek advice. I'm sure these groups have dealt with this before. And you might want to seek out a support group for yourself as well, if you haven't already. Just like these message boards, they can provide all sorts of information and help. It is so hard to deal with cancer AND parent-child conflict. You have my deepest sympathy.

thank you suzie you dont know how much your words mean to me. I will never give up on him . It does help knowing others have been through the same  thing maybe time will help