Quality Versus Quanity

I'm new to this blog so this is my first message. My dad was diagnosed with stage iv pancreatic cancer a month ago.  It's after 1am and I can't sleep. This  is a nightmare that u don't wake up from. I have a pit in my stomach from a broken heart. What scares me is the nightmare hasn't even begun yet. This week my dad goes for his second chemo treatment. He's at such a hopeless stage of the disease that I question if chemo is the right choice. I will do anything to keep my dad here with us but i don't want him to suffer more for no benefit in the end. This is an issue I and my family have been struggling with most. I just want what's best for my dad and I can't bear the thought of seeing him slowly die before our eyes or in pain . If anyone has any advice or similar experience it would be greatly appreciated.

Your feelings are very normal.  I remember feeling the same when they told me about my husband's stage 4 stomach cancer.  The prognosis is not good, but with a good diet and right treatment it is possible for him to have some semblence of "quality of life." What I mean is that having such a serious disease also brings good things because you have the opportunity to share some great moments together and not take any day or any hour for granted.  You also get closure as compared to when someone dies instantly and with no warnings.  I make this comparison because my dad died in a car accident and it was very traumatic and now going through my husband's disease it's very different.  He was diagnosed in October of 2007.  He is still doing chemo treatment.  In about a month they will rescan and let us know if the chemo worked or not and if he'll need radiation.  Believe me, it's a roller coaster ride that I don't want to be part of, but it is what it is and we have to adjust our lives accordingly.  I'm working full time to make the house payments etc. and at times I feel as if I should be with him and not working, but what am I to do?  You have to make some very serious decisions when these things happen.  Your title about quality and quantity hit the spot with me because I often ask myself the same thing.  When you see your loved ones wasting away and in pain you sometimes pray for them to go with the Lord and not be in pain although you know that you are left to deal with the emptiness. 

What I recommend is that you ask your doctor and have your dad make the choice.  He needs to feel empowered to what will happen to him.

I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

Lyndsie,

I know exactly what you are talking about.  My mom was diagnosed in September.  She opted for no treatment.  She wants to die at home.  We immediatley took several trips while she was healthy enough to do so.  It was during those trips that we carefully planned what we would do.  Throughout the whole process, our goal was to establish EXACTLY what her wishes were and plan accordingly.

Pray about this and then ask your dad what he wants.  Pancreatic is a tough one with a sobering prognosis.  When he makes his decision, do everything in your power to honor his wishes.  We elected for home hospice, and it has been a total blessing.  Cherish every moment and talk as much as possible.  Be there for him.

As I write this we have been in end stage for almost two weeks.  Mom is almost totally unresponsive to touch or words, but we keep talking to her.  It will be very difficult, but as has been mentioned the time will be cherished.......at least for me and my family.

You and your family are in my prayers.

John

On 4/20/2008 JohnM4549 wrote:

Lyndsie,

I know exactly what you are talking about.  My mom was diagnosed in September.  She opted for no treatment.  She wants to die at home.  We immediatley took several trips while she was healthy enough to do so.  It was during those trips that we carefully planned what we would do.  Throughout the whole process, our goal was to establish EXACTLY what her wishes were and plan accordingly.

Pray about this and then ask your dad what he wants.  Pancreatic is a tough one with a sobering prognosis.  When he makes his decision, do everything in your power to honor his wishes.  We elected for home hospice, and it has been a total blessing.  Cherish every moment and talk as much as possible.  Be there for him.

As I write this we have been in end stage for almost two weeks.  Mom is almost totally unresponsive to touch or words, but we keep talking to her.  It will be very difficult, but as has been mentioned the time will be cherished.......at least for me and my family.

You and your family are in my prayers.

John

John,

I am new to this site but I share your experience.  I lost my mom on November 17, 2007.  This cancer is so cruel, so ugly.  It is heart wrenching to watch a loved one die.  She was diagnosed Feb. 08, they figured she had it 2 months prior.   We had home hospice for awhile but ended up taking her to hospice the afternoon of Nov. 17.  Her  breathing was labored, she was unresponsive (she had been for about 2 weeks).  They couldn't find a blood pressure.  She died about 7 hours later.  I stayed in that room with her all that time until I decided my dad needed to eat something on account that he is diabetic.  I literrally traveled just down the road, got him a burger and came back right away.  As I walked to her room, the nurse came out of her room, closing the door behind her and she said, "She just passed".  I relive that moment everyday.  I don't think she wanted me and my sister in the room when she died.  My dad was with her but still...It doesn't matter if youi think you've said all you wanted to say or do, there is always more that you think you could have done.  I am 38 years old, this is my first experience with death this close to home.  My mom was 59.  I can't talk about my pain with anyone.  I just can't bring myself to talk about it.  It hurts too much.  I don't mean to be such a downer but I know you can relate like no one else can.  I wish you peace.  I will say a prayer for you and your family.

Karen

My sympathy goes out to you and your family.  My mom passed on 12/21/07 after an 8 month struggle with pc.  She was diagnosed a year ago today.  That was when our nightmare began.  I remember that it felt like my throat was closing up --as i cried so hard.  My mom was only 63.  and we were very close.  I am having a real hard time with her not being here.  At the funeral home we gave them some photos and they put it together on a dvd to music we chose.  Well i pulled the dvd out 2 weeks ago and watch it everynight and cry and cry and i have that feeling again with my throat.  My mom had an unsuccessful whipple with many complications.  Her quality of live from April to August were not very good.  We were able to take her to Vegas and we had a blast.  She did not qualify for chemo--due to her wound infection---and the oncologist told us that frankly it may extend her life 3 more months, but the quality would not be there;.  She desparately wanted to do the chemo as she did not want to give up.  On 12/1 she decided she was done and quit eating.  She lived 21 days w/out eating. I wanted her to die as she was suffering.  We had hospice involved and they are a godsend!! they were wonderful.  I am sorry for rambling on.  You are going to have many emotions throughout this journey, I have no regrets.  Whenever i think of my mom--which is alot, i think about how ill she was, i dont go to the memories of before she was sick.  I dont know why.  I look at all the photos.

This cancer is the worst.  Hospice also has a wonderful support network.  I lean on my friends and a few family members.  It is good to have people to talk too--no one knows what to say to you --but just being there to give you a hug or a shoulder is helpful.  The day and the weeks after my mom was diagnosed i felt so alone.  I It was an emptiness that only people that go through this know.  My husband and friends could not understand.  Cry when you want to cry.  Encourage you dad to eat--as that is what happens to most cancer patients, they starve themselves.  My mom lived on oranges, lots of bakery, crispy creams, whatever we could give her--if you ever need to chat --i am here for you!!  I will keep your family in my prayers

The previous messages are great. I also understand about the sudden death of the person who lost someone in a car accident. That happened to me with a cancer patient. A 17 year old vibrant girl, 2 treatments, looking good and 2 weeks later I am told she died. I felt like had died in a car accident, it was so sudden, it took me a long time to recover.  We are all different. Do what you Dad wants and make sure he is not doing it for you. This way you can have meanigful time with him. God Bless

On 4/20/2008 LYNDSIE wrote:

I'm new to this blog so this is my first message. My dad was diagnosed with stage iv pancreatic cancer a month ago.  It's after 1am and I can't sleep. This  is a nightmare that u don't wake up from. I have a pit in my stomach from a broken heart. What scares me is the nightmare hasn't even begun yet. This week my dad goes for his second chemo treatment. He's at such a hopeless stage of the disease that I question if chemo is the right choice. I will do anything to keep my dad here with us but i don't want him to suffer more for no benefit in the end. This is an issue I and my family have been struggling with most. I just want what's best for my dad and I can't bear the thought of seeing him slowly die before our eyes or in pain . If anyone has any advice or similar experience it would be greatly appreciated.