My Dad Is Moving In With Me When He Deteriorates. Help

My situation:

My mom takes care of both my father (pancretic cancer IV) and my 30 year old mentally ill brother. My brother might get so upset that my Mom will worry about the possibility of him commiting suicide (witnessing my father dying in the same house he is living in). My brother has severe OCD, depression, anxiety. He will also only go out of the house after dark. I feel very trapped. I understand loving your children more than your husband. I just want to get through this with everyone's quality of life as high as possible. So when my father becomes difficult for my Mom to handle he is coming to live with my husband and I. I guess I'm just venting now. Any advise on anything????

Thanks for listening, Diane Cauley 

Call Hospice. The nurse will have Hospice set up for your Dad when you request their help.  They supply everything you will need. They even have medicine delivered. They will supply you a hospital bed if you want, meds, a home care aide if you need, a commode. Any medical equipment needed. A nurse will come as often as needed to check the patient and a social worker makes visits to see if you need any more assistance.

Best regards

Bernadette

Diane,

We brot my dad to live with us when his prostate  cancer metastesized to bone and then liver. We brot him from Wy to TX and it was very traumatic for him to leave his home knowing he might not return.

I am blessed to have a terrific husband who acually took over the primary  care giving-like helping him shower, etc.

I would suggest looking into a good hospice when the time comes. They came here (we live in the country a ways) Helped us with his care, medical and provided the special bed,potty and other things he needed. They were a deffinate blessing to us.

I would be glad to email you direct if you like, or here might be a help to others. Each problem we had(minor actually but we had no experience with cancer before) There are many issues when you bring a parent into your home,even when they are relatively healthy. Personality conflicts,medicine issues, and  letting go when the time comes. But he had always had a garden and he helped us plan a "Texas" garden.

But we had time to get to REALLY know him and I don't reget any time or inconvenience it might have been.  To know we made his horrible experience better is worth it all.

Jan at

Diane    I would agree with the others who responded and add the following based upon experience in January.  My wife and I were doing walks in malls two weeks before she passed on.  A fever sent us to the E.R., admitted as inpatient and about 6 days later we were sent home with Hospice.  Almost 3 days later she passed away at home.  The deterioration at home was frightening.  Actually horrendous. We were told that our Hospice was one of the best.  HOWEVER they had not planned to schedule a nurse nor aide until after (what would have been) my wifes passing.  Only because I INSISTED, did they send a LPN to provide initial help and the initial observation and practical instructions.  I was then told by the LPN that my wifes body was shutting down and that death could occur in 1-7 days.  I then faced the prospect and fear of no Hospice from Friday until Monday.  Having no experience with such circumstances I had no idea what was going.  The LPN described breathing noises that may occur, but the noise I heard wasn't what they seemed to describe.  My wife stopped talking, could not roll over in bed, could not move her head, barely moved her eyes, could not get out of bed to use the portable potty....  I'm not raising all of this to concern you, but to make you aware of the reality in order that you can mentally prepare and begin to steel yourself to be aggressive in insisting that Hospice provide what they promised when you contracted with them.  I found our LPN to be amazingly good, helpful and compassionate... she even offered to attend to us on the weekend on her own time.  She was far better than could be expected.  Thank you for being willing to care for your father.  Daryl

 On 4/23/2008 bukowski17 wrote:

My situation:

My mom takes care of both my father (pancretic cancer IV) and my 30 year old mentally ill brother. My brother might get so upset that my Mom will worry about the possibility of him commiting suicide (witnessing my father dying in the same house he is living in). My brother has severe OCD, depression, anxiety. He will also only go out of the house after dark. I feel very trapped. I understand loving your children more than your husband. I just want to get through this with everyone's quality of life as high as possible. So when my father becomes difficult for my Mom to handle he is coming to live with my husband and I. I guess I'm just venting now. Any advise on anything????

Thanks for listening, Diane Cauley 

You may want to see if there is an inpatient hospice center near your location.  My sister checked into one in our area last week.  It would have been nearly impossible for her son to handle end of life issues that came up, even with the help of hospice at his home.  He and his wife both work, and often long hours. 

Unless you have insurance to cover it, I don't think home hospice covers 24/7 care. Maybe others can confirm or correct that.   But when a patient has end stage cancer, someone must take care of the person.  The inpatient hospice center took good care of my sister and were always kind to her and our family.  If your father is of retirement age and on Medicare, it   covers cost of hospice.  Hospice care with visits of LPN's and home health care (not 24/7) or  at an inpatient facility where staff is available 24/7 to take care of the patient.

Sorry for your Dad's situation.  I hope all works out OK for both of  you.

My mom passed away 04/14/08 from stomach cancer.  From the time of diagnosis to hospice care was 3 days.  She entered a hospice facility because she did not want to leave her community.  I would never do things differently now.  What a wonderful, caring, compationate place.  Even the maitenance man was wonderful.  I would recommend this service to anyone.  It was my intention to bring mom to my home to care for her but now I am so thankful that she refused.

rhondah

Diane,

I took care of my mom as she had pc.  she passed on 12/21/07.  We had hospice involved.  Her insurance did not cover hospice care so they came for free. When things started to wind down--they could not control her pain and wanted her to go to the hospice facility.  I stood my ground as my mom did not want to die there.  They did accomodate us by bringing in 24/7 nursing care for the last 7 days of her life.  They were wonderful.  After it was all said and done our hospice rn that was our caseworker told me i did the right thing--as i had to argue with her.  It was exhausting and mentally and physically draining.  We were all here when she passed.  It was bitter sweet as we were glad she was not suffering anymore but very very sad she was gone.  At her funeral we req no flowers and for people to donate to hospice.  Every year we will be making a donation to them.  My mom was only 63.  Ironically today 4/24 is that date that our lives changed forever as she was diagnosed with this horrible disease.  I will keep you in my prayers and your dad.  If you ever want to talk you can email me.