Puzzled At Others' Reactions

Hi. I am 39 and was just diagnosed with stage 0 colon cancer.

I am sure my experience is/will be much easier than most of yours and for that reason I hesitate to even post here. I do have the utmost compassion for what you all are going through. My condition will be treated with surgery only.

The surgery is soon but not soon enough to spare me the anxiety of waiting. Although I am doing exceptionally well emotionally, this is still frightening.

What I'm puzzled about.....other people's reactions. Puzzled, but not surprised. Most of the people in my life are about as selfish as it comes. They've always been minimally supportive or totally unsupportive of me, in good times and bad. (Long story, but trust me, that sums it up nicely.)

I have lots of coping skills, thanks to a lifetime of medical problems, but that doesn't mean it's less serious or upsetting. The people in my life think if you're coping well that lets them off the hook for acting like human beings towards me.

After all this time, I still wonder how people can live with themselves, ignoring my life events while demanding I fall all over them when they have a major life event. I don't expect anyone to coddle me, but a simple expression of sympathy would be....normal.

Most people have not said a peep to me. Not even a card or "gee, sorry you had cancer". I understand some people are "not good with words" (aka, they don't bother trying to improve their skill deficiencies), but Hallmark is better than nothing! I feel like saying, grow up--you're adults.

The next time one of them whines to me about having the sniffles or expects me to show up at their 4th cousin's child's 3rd birthday party, I just might go off on them.

I don't know why I'm posting this. I usually find Internet forums to be useless because they're full of bullies. I guess I'm just venting.

Hi there,

First of all congrats on finfong the cc so early. Stage 0 is a beautiful thing. You are not alone in sensing that people don't seem to follow up on you when struck with a serious illness. I think there are many reasons. Fear of even the word cancer. People think that means an automatic death sentence and it is simply not true. So they don't know how to deal with it. You are also very sensitive about your situation because when cancer strikes you no matter what stage, you tend to freak out and wonder why other people are not also. I guess it is human nature, people have their own busy lives and maybe their intentions are good, time has a way of passing by. I suspect your friends have you in their thoughts often though. Take heart. 

Sorry about your diagnosis, but stage 0 is good news.  (If cancer can be called good news).  People get weird when they hear cancer.  My husband died of stomach cancer February 22 of this year and his own brother didn't come from Florida to his funeral.  Couldn't be bothered?  Who knows.  You will get alot of support on this board so keep venting if it makes you feel better.  Consider us your "family".  We have a lot of stories, some encouraging, some sad but we are all going through the same thing either as a caregiver or a patient.  We all pray for each other and I will do that for you to help assuage your anxiety. 

God bless you and good luck,

Diane

On 4/25/2008 caroljane wrote:

I wonder if you are being a little self-centered here.  Stage ZERO cancer?  you should be getting down on your knees and giving thanks; urging everyone you know to get their colonoscopies; and thinking of how you will try to help anyone you ever knew or will know who has cancer.  pulllease.  if someone told me they have stage zero cancer i would say you are lucky.  try reading some of these messages from cancer victims with later stages and see how you  feel.

Wow!  That is a little harsh.  No matter what stage, or what type of cancer you have it is very scary.  I can't believe you would say something so mean.  "Get down on your hands and knees and give thanks" are you kidding me?  We are here for encouragement and support, not to make eachother feel bad about our feelings.

well you are right and I apologize.  thanks for the reminder.

On 4/24/2008 purpleaa wrote:

Hi. I am 39 and was just diagnosed with stage 0 colon cancer.

I am sure my experience is/will be much easier than most of yours and for that reason I hesitate to even post here. I do have the utmost compassion for what you all are going through. My condition will be treated with surgery only.

The surgery is soon but not soon enough to spare me the anxiety of waiting. Although I am doing exceptionally well emotionally, this is still frightening.

What I'm puzzled about.....other people's reactions. Puzzled, but not surprised. Most of the people in my life are about as selfish as it comes. They've always been minimally supportive or totally unsupportive of me, in good times and bad. (Long story, but trust me, that sums it up nicely.)

I have lots of coping skills, thanks to a lifetime of medical problems, but that doesn't mean it's less serious or upsetting. The people in my life think if you're coping well that lets them off the hook for acting like human beings towards me.

After all this time, I still wonder how people can live with themselves, ignoring my life events while demanding I fall all over them when they have a major life event. I don't expect anyone to coddle me, but a simple expression of sympathy would be....normal.

Most people have not said a peep to me. Not even a card or "gee, sorry you had cancer". I understand some people are "not good with words" (aka, they don't bother trying to improve their skill deficiencies), but Hallmark is better than nothing! I feel like saying, grow up--you're adults.

The next time one of them whines to me about having the sniffles or expects me to show up at their 4th cousin's child's 3rd birthday party, I just might go off on them.

I don't know why I'm posting this. I usually find Internet forums to be useless because they're full of bullies. I guess I'm just venting.

I have tremendous empathy for the difficult diagnosis you are dealing with at this time.  I, also, am battling breast cancer and doing well.  What I do know about friends and,even your closest relatives, is two-fold.  First, as they look at you, their mortality is looking them squarly in the face.  Reading about cancer statistics in the newspaper allows people to distance themselves from the possibility that cancer could happen to them.  But, seeing or hearing from you, makes it very personal.  It scares them!  The second point is - they don't know what to say - they can't make it better and for many, they think if they ignore the problem, it will go away.  "I'm sorry", "Please tell me if there is anything I can do to help", or just a simple "thinking of you" card seems to appropriate, but alas, some people just cannot get to the point of accepting your diagnosis.  Please don't judge them as insensitive and selfish, they are probably scared!  If you let go of the anger, it will also help you heal and give you peace.   Please keep us updated.  Have a wonderful day.  Maddy

On 4/25/2008 caroljane wrote:

I wonder if you are being a little self-centered here.  Stage ZERO cancer?  you should be getting down on your knees and giving thanks; urging everyone you know to get their colonoscopies; and thinking of how you will try to help anyone you ever knew or will know who has cancer.  pulllease.  if someone told me they have stage zero cancer i would say you are lucky.  try reading some of these messages from cancer victims with later stages and see how you  feel.

I have stage 4 colon cancer with mets everywhere and now have lung cancer!!!! If anyone should be able to say something SOOOO MEAN it would be someone like me!!! I cant even imagine saying something so AWFUL!!!!! Cancer at ANY STAGE is grounds to be SCARED ----LESS!! MOST of us on this site know how FAST this can change for the better OR WORSE!!!!  Just because a person isent told they are going to die in the next few months DOES NOT mean they are not afraid!!!  Im sure this person knows they are "lucky"(as you would put it!) knowing they caught it early.This site is SOOOOOO very important to be able to go to for SUPPORT AND ADVICE at ANY stage!! Please dont make patients or caregivers afraid to say what they feel,for fear of being belittled!!!! We all know of the "AWFUL"stories out there,but who are we to make someone feel bad they wont die soon!!!! If you are one of the "awful" stories you should be even more understanding.I wish well to ALL those and their families with this illness!

Through this cancer journey I've learned that you can never assume the reactions of people to your plight.  My family were a God send.  My husband's family (the patient) although were concerned, did so at a distance.  My family was in "my face" - which is what I needed at the time. 

I can certainly understand your emotional roller coaster - even at a stage 0.  Cancer is cancer.  People are people.  Some things just can't be understood.  Don't try.  It doesn't make any difference. 

Wish you the best of luck through your surgery.  Take care of yourself - and remember ...check up...check up...check up. 

so are so so right and I sincerely apologize.