Husband Will Not Do What Dr's Tell Him

Hello,

My Husband is 2 weeks into treatment has had one round of Chemo and 13 rounds of radiation. He is having a lot of trouble with Nausea is will not do the wound care swishes or exercises. He has lost 10 lbs already and has been had to be hydrated due to dehydration. He will not do the neck and jaw exercises or even put the radiation gel on. I am so frustrated and we are fighting all the time. He just lays around all time and sleeps. He did get a peg yesterday. And ate well tonight but still will not drink! I ask him if I could put some water in his peg and of course the answer is no. They called to have him hydrated again tomorrow, so that should help.  Has anyone gone through anything like this or perhaps any advice from some one on the other end? I am very conerned for his recovery.

Thank you so much

Donna

Donna,

Yesterday was my 2 mos. anniversary of completing treatment for SCC of the left tonsil. The road was uphill all the way and the fight was very tough for me as it is w/ all of us going through it. It was also tough for my wife. Us patients can get pretty nasty when we are hurting and questioning if it is all worth it. Swallowing razor blades, throwing up, and just feeling like crap really makes us lash out and makes us want to quit. But here I am, just 2mos. later and I feel so darn good. My taste buds are coming back, my sore throat is gone, and my appreciation for life is so great now that I ALMOST ( ALMOST) wonder if it all wasn't worth it just to get me to where I love life like I never have in the past. I promise you and your husband that if he just accepts what needs to be done and does it no matter how tough or hard, it will be worth it in the end. I promise. Many others on this board will tell you the exact same thing. The alternative is a slow and painful eventual death. Why go that direction when there is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow? For me, I jumped in w/ both feet because I didn't want to die for a variety of reasons, and your husband has to find those reasons for himself. Then fight on.

I would be very glad to comunicate w/ you guys one on one anytime. I've been there, I've done it. It's worth the fight. As a matter of fact, I just played golf today. How beautiful it was to be able to do that.

Don't you get discouraged by his reactions, and don't fight w/ him. Just point out what all life has to offer and how good it will be when cured. Also, find time for yourself and take care of you too.

I'm sure he is no coward nor quiter. He just needs to pull the strength from inside to get through it. For me, prayer and future plans pulled me through day to day. He and you can do it. There is no choice.

Good luck and God bless.

Rick

 

On 4/24/2008 Donnamswa wrote:

Hello,

My Husband is 2 weeks into treatment has had one round of Chemo and 13 rounds of radiation. He is having a lot of trouble with Nausea is will not do the wound care swishes or exercises. He has lost 10 lbs already and has been had to be hydrated due to dehydration. He will not do the neck and jaw exercises or even put the radiation gel on. I am so frustrated and we are fighting all the time. He just lays around all time and sleeps. He did get a peg yesterday. And ate well tonight but still will not drink! I ask him if I could put some water in his peg and of course the answer is no. They called to have him hydrated again tomorrow, so that should help.  Has anyone gone through anything like this or perhaps any advice from some one on the other end? I am very conerned for his recovery.

Thank you so much

Donna

Donna,

Rick is right on que!!! He sounds depressed and may need a mood elevator/anti- depressant medication to give him the strength to move forward into treatment. I do have one more thought---what pain med is he on? I have been a  nurse for 25 years and sometimes people react to drugs by being difficult, confused, ect.--all adverse reactions. Talk with your docs. 

DeniseB

 

On 4/24/2008 rick51 wrote:

Donna,

Yesterday was my 2 mos. anniversary of completing treatment for SCC of the left tonsil. The road was uphill all the way and the fight was very tough for me as it is w/ all of us going through it. It was also tough for my wife. Us patients can get pretty nasty when we are hurting and questioning if it is all worth it. Swallowing razor blades, throwing up, and just feeling like crap really makes us lash out and makes us want to quit. But here I am, just 2mos. later and I feel so darn good. My taste buds are coming back, my sore throat is gone, and my appreciation for life is so great now that I ALMOST ( ALMOST) wonder if it all wasn't worth it just to get me to where I love life like I never have in the past. I promise you and your husband that if he just accepts what needs to be done and does it no matter how tough or hard, it will be worth it in the end. I promise. Many others on this board will tell you the exact same thing. The alternative is a slow and painful eventual death. Why go that direction when there is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow? For me, I jumped in w/ both feet because I didn't want to die for a variety of reasons, and your husband has to find those reasons for himself. Then fight on.

I would be very glad to comunicate w/ you guys one on one anytime. I've been there, I've done it. It's worth the fight. As a matter of fact, I just played golf today. How beautiful it was to be able to do that.

Don't you get discouraged by his reactions, and don't fight w/ him. Just point out what all life has to offer and how good it will be when cured. Also, find time for yourself and take care of you too.

I'm sure he is no coward nor quiter. He just needs to pull the strength from inside to get through it. For me, prayer and future plans pulled me through day to day. He and you can do it. There is no choice.

Good luck and God bless.

Rick

Thank you for the encouraging words. I think he feels like he is doing the best he can, but it is so hard knowing he SHOULD be doing so much more. He came home from the hospital yesterday and didn't have one thing to drink, just his feed and a popcycle that to me seems crazy! He is on a fentynal patch, oxycodone, zofran, and ativan at night. The siliva is really bad and he has such a weak stomach anyway. He will seems ok one minute gettting me coffee then the next huffin and puffin and won't tell me what is wrong when I ask he gets so angry. Where can I get one of the suction things I hear about in this site? What is the name if it? I think it could help. I just want to help and I feel so helpless. I need to clean his peg site and he won't let me, this behavior is what is so upsetting. I have talked to his Dr about antidepressants and he said he will ask my husband about it today. The thing is he will behave as if he is fine to the Dr. When I share things I learn from this site he really doesn't want to hear about it. Any way thank you so much for the advice I feel like atleast there are people that understand

In Faith in Him

Donna

Hi Donna,

I may be wrong but it sounds as though your husband may also be feeling helpless and out of control. This is a very common thing when going through cancer. When you make suggestions he may be seeing it as you're taking even more control from him so he rebels and does the opposite. The problem is that he is hurting himself in the process and causing you more anguish. Here's a suggestion: Sit him down and tell him that you understand his helplessness and lack of control. Let him know that you feel the same way. Try to impress on him the fact that you are on his side. You'll have to make him realize that yes he is going through a terrible thing. That it is extremely frightening, painful, uncomfortable in ways you can't imagine, and that it will get worse before it gets better, BUT IT WILL GET BETTER. How fast that happens and how uncomfortable it is for him is up to him. If he does all of the things that he is supposed to it will be less painful with less side effects and be over quicker. If he doesn't it will be more painful with more side effects and last longer. Tell him these things and let the choice be his. Let him know that you will support him. I don't know if this will work but I can't see anyone given the choice to make things better with support choosing to make things worse.

Good Luck!

Joe 

All the info and advice I've read is is good and right on. I couldn't add a thing! As a survivor (my one year anniv from treatments was yesterday) I can only emphasize that it IS worth it all and he will perservere. If only he could think and believe that, he may be able to start helping himself. I feel for you-how hard this must be. He's not alone and neither are you. Best of luck to the both of you that things will just get better and better, in all ways. Gayle PS-is there any support groups near you and would he go?

 

On 4/25/2008 gayleann wrote:

All the info and advice I've read is is good and right on. I couldn't add a thing! As a survivor (my one year anniv from treatments was yesterday) I can only emphasize that it IS worth it all and he will perservere. If only he could think and believe that, he may be able to start helping himself. I feel for you-how hard this must be. He's not alone and neither are you. Best of luck to the both of you that things will just get better and better, in all ways. Gayle PS-is there any support groups near you and would he go?

Oh no he will not hear of it..when we are at the Doc he seems like he is doind great! And he tells them he is doing great. They have to know better because of his weight loss and dehydration I would like.

Thanks

Donna

 

On 4/24/2008 Donnamswa wrote:

Hello,

My Husband is 2 weeks into treatment has had one round of Chemo and 13 rounds of radiation. He is having a lot of trouble with Nausea is will not do the wound care swishes or exercises. He has lost 10 lbs already and has been had to be hydrated due to dehydration. He will not do the neck and jaw exercises or even put the radiation gel on. I am so frustrated and we are fighting all the time. He just lays around all time and sleeps. He did get a peg yesterday. And ate well tonight but still will not drink! I ask him if I could put some water in his peg and of course the answer is no. They called to have him hydrated again tomorrow, so that should help.  Has anyone gone through anything like this or perhaps any advice from some one on the other end? I am very conerned for his recovery.

Thank you so much

Donna

 

Hi Donna. I am just over 6 months out of treatment for tonsillar cancer, and I can only echo what everyone else has already said. I was a tremendous pain in the butt for my wife while I was undergoing treatment, but she stood her ground and drilled it into me that I needed to do all those things. See if you can get your husband to read some of the posts here, also see if you can talk to the doctors without him there and explain what is happening, if they already havent guessed.

I think right now, he is maybe a little scared and feels like his life is out of control, I know I was like that for awhile, biut once the doctor told me that the treatment was starting to work and my cancer was getting smaller, my attitude improved. I still wasnt the perfect patient ( ask my wife), but I will say, like Rick, that the experience made me a better person and more appreciative of the things around me.

Tell your husband that you and the doctors are on HIS side, but he needs to do his part, too. My radiation oncologist's assistant told us that the patients that do what they are told to do recover faster and with fewer problems. Everyone wants to see him beat the cancer, but he needs to let you all help him.

Best wishes,

Mike

ps, My wife was reading this over my shoulder. She (laughingly) said if all else fails, thump him up the side of the head and knock some sense into him,

 

Hi Donna,

 My husband finished treatment 3 weeks ago. He was difficult, very sad and negative. I finally asked him: do you want to live with the cloud of cancer over you or do you want to live carefree?  This is not the end, it's just a detour in the course of your life. Marriage is about love, respect, and support. He needs to trust that you love him enough to be the for him, no matter what. He needs to be reminded that when he has no strength, he can rely on you, physically and emotionally. Maybe it'll help if together you make some plans, like for household chores, or finances. AS boring as it may sound, it might bring a sense of reality that time has not stopped.

Be persistent!