Just Venting

Well today was radiation treatment number 9 and hubby is not doing so well.  I call him every day from work at about 9:30 to make sure he is up and eats breakfast before he has to take his meds for his ethyol shot.

This morning I called him and he tells me his throat is bleeding and he was coughing up what he calls "pea sized bits of hamburger" which was white and yellow yucky stuff. He is almost crying (my strong man who wouldnt dream of shedding a tear) and is so miserable he doesnt know how he is going to continue.

Turns out he has thrush AND mucositis.  We left the cancer center loaded with prescriptions for the liquid hydrocodone, nystatin and magic mouthwash.  Also had to get some cream for the rash that he is getting at the site where he gets his ethyol shots.  It is taking longer and longer for him to eat a meal from the pain so I imagine it wont be too much longer before he is using the peg tube to get his nutrition.

I knew that it would bad and very bad at that, I guess neither one of us was expecting it to happen this quickly.  He tried to say today, I think they are using too much radiation on me!! Bless his heart, my heart breaks for him and I just want to help him feel better, though there doesnt seem to be a whole lot I can do for him except pump meds into him.  Now we are totally scared about the upcoming week.  He has 9 more treatments and then he will be going twice a day.  The road is still so long and he is already miserable I just dont know what to do anymore.  Thankfully he is sleeping now, so hopefully that is some relief for him (but his snoring is AWFUL!!)

 I also get jealous of my friends now.  I get angry hearing about their normal, happy lives when we are living in this hell with the end not yet in sight.  I find myself snapping at my friend for saying ughhhh I hate doing laundry or I am so stressed out with the kids when I sit there thinking, I WISH that the worst of my problems.  I end up lashing out and then feel horrible afterwards but I just hate it!  Does that make any sense?

Anyways, I feel better now after letting some of that out.  I try so hard to stay positive for my hubby and sometimes I guess I just need to let it go.  God Bless all those who are going through this or have been through it and survived.  I am trying to use these positive stories to think about when I feel like falling apart, and I'm not even the one getting the treatments!!!

 Thanks for listening, end rant.

Brandi

Hi Brandi, My husband has one more week of radiation and one more chemo next week. Last week he was just impossible to live with. He was in a lot of pain and was miserable. He also thought the doctors were giving him to much radiation and were "frying" his throat. He hardly had his voice. He was very irritable and nasty about everything. I was getting so upset and a little depressed. Last Sunday my daughters dragged me out to dinner just to have a little time away from him (I felt guilty for going, but it felt good to feel a little normal.) THis week his attitude is so much better. He's still in pain and he knows next week will be difficult, but I guess he's thinking it's almost over. I'm sure your husband will feel the same way when he gets more into his treatments. When he hits the half way mark, then he can start counting down and the end will be in sight. It's good for you to vent because all of us caregivers feel that way at one time or another. You just want life to be normal again. The good thing that comes out of this is that I don't let small problems bother me. I feel that nothing is more important than your health. To have that is the greatest gift of all. Hang in there and you and your husband will come through fine. Carol

i understand how you are feeling.  it is hard for me to also see my big guy weak and in so much pain.  he has been a good patient though but somedays (like last nite) he says he is tired of feeling like crap and feels like it will never be over.  he finished treatment on tuesday and now feels like the time is dragging by since he doesn't leave the house everyday.

it is hard to see your friends and co-workers go on with their normal lives...and many just don't get it if they haven't visited you at home and see for themselves what it is like.  my family (who live an hour away) will say come for dinner...if he needs to go lay down it will be fine...ha ha ha..they dont realize we would have to bring syringes, cans of food, bottled water and a box of tissues...then he would have the embarrassment of coughing and hacking (and sometimes throwing up) while the rest of us "enjoy dinner"!  many of my friends don't visit...perhaps it is out of fear...not knowing what to say or do...but it makes this illness very isolating.

we want our lives back.

reading posts from the people who have made it and are back to living a normal life are what gives us hope.

hang in there...WE CAN DO IT

~meesh

P.S. sounds like he should just start using the PEG - it made a world of difference for my S.O. it was one less thing to struggle with everyday and he felt better because he was getting the protein he needed.

 

Hi Brandi, I am sorry to hear what you and your husband are going through.  Been there.  My husband died of stomach cancer on February 22.  He was a handsome 215 lb. man who was emaciated to about 120 lbs., who people thought was my father.  He never complained once even though he could not eat for a long time.  We did put the J tube in, but he only survived 9 days after that.  Our lives were totally disrupted and I felt the same way you do.  But you know what, my husband and I became even closer during this journey and I would see the pain in his eyes because of how his illness was affecting me.  Believe me, your husband knows it is hard on you. You can come to this board and rant all you want, we understand and you have to let it out.  Just make him comfortable and express your love any way you can.  Believe me, I miss being my husband's caregiver even though I know he is in a better place and at peace.

God Bless You,

Diane

 

On 4/25/2008 g8orgal79 wrote:

Well today was radiation treatment number 9 and hubby is not doing
so well.  I call him every day from work at about 9:30 to make
sure he is up and eats breakfast before he has to take his meds for his
ethyol shot.

This morning I called him and he tells me his throat
is bleeding and he was coughing up what he calls "pea sized bits of
hamburger" which was white and yellow yucky stuff. He is almost crying
(my strong man who wouldnt dream of shedding a tear) and is so
miserable he doesnt know how he is going to continue.

Turns out
he has thrush AND mucositis.  We left the cancer center loaded
with prescriptions for the liquid hydrocodone, nystatin and magic
mouthwash.  Also had to get some cream for the rash that he is
getting at the site where he gets his ethyol shots.  It is taking
longer and longer for him to eat a meal from the pain so I imagine it
wont be too much longer before he is using the peg tube to get his
nutrition.

I knew that it would bad and very bad at that, I
guess neither one of us was expecting it to happen this quickly. 
He tried to say today, I think they are using too much radiation on
me!! Bless his heart, my heart breaks for him and I just want to help
him feel better, though there doesnt seem to be a whole lot I can do
for him except pump meds into him.  Now we are totally scared
about the upcoming week.  He has 9 more treatments and then he
will be going twice a day.  The road is still so long and he is
already miserable I just dont know what to do anymore.  Thankfully
he is sleeping now, so hopefully that is some relief for him (but his
snoring is AWFUL!!)

 I also get jealous of my friends
now.  I get angry hearing about their normal, happy lives when we
are living in this hell with the end not yet in sight.  I find
myself snapping at my friend for saying ughhhh I hate doing laundry or
I am so stressed out with the kids when I sit there thinking, I WISH
that the worst of my problems.  I end up lashing out and then feel
horrible afterwards but I just hate it!  Does that make any sense?

Anyways,
I feel better now after letting some of that out.  I try so hard
to stay positive for my hubby and sometimes I guess I just need to let
it go.  God Bless all those who are going through this or have
been through it and survived.  I am trying to use these positive
stories to think about when I feel like falling apart, and I'm not even
the one getting the treatments!!!

 Thanks for listening, end rant.

Brandi

Hi Brandi

You
are only human.  You feel what you feel.  Great that you can
let it out.  I've been there, done that.  My husband finished
treatment in Dec. and the whole ordeal was hell.  But, it does get
done with and your husband will get well.  

 Remember
when you got married and they said "for better and for worse, in
sickness and in health" ?  Well guess which part this is. 
You will get through this and you will have the better part again.

Karenok 

Rant on, Brandi.  I know how your husband feels, I was there not long ago. I dont know if its possible to feel worse than you do the last two weeks of treatment and the couple or three weeks following the end of treatment. Hopefully, the pain meds and the nystatin will give him (and you) some much needed relief.

I'm thankful that my wife was strong enough to deal with my treatment and recovery, I honestly dont think I could have done it without her.

All of you caregivers are saints in my book. You get us to out appointments, ask the docs the questions we are to sick to remember to ask, make sure we eat and drink, clean up after us and give us the love and support we need. (and you put up with our vile attitude we have because we feel so crappy). My hat's off to all of you. Thank you.

Best wishes...

Mike

 

On 4/26/2008 micromisterphone wrote:

Rant on, Brandi.  I know how your husband feels, I was there not long ago. I dont know if its possible to feel worse than you do the last two weeks of treatment and the couple or three weeks following the end of treatment. Hopefully, the pain meds and the nystatin will give him (and you) some much needed relief.

I'm thankful that my wife was strong enough to deal with my treatment and recovery, I honestly dont think I could have done it without her.

All of you caregivers are saints in my book. You get us to out appointments, ask the docs the questions we are to sick to remember to ask, make sure we eat and drink, clean up after us and give us the love and support we need. (and you put up with our vile attitude we have because we feel so crappy). My hat's off to all of you. Thank you.

Best wishes...

Mike

  Hi  brandi;  you  are  having  a really  bad  time  i  know.  There  are people  that  care  about  you and  your  husband.  I  had  radiation for  7  weeks  everyday  for  brest  cancer;  i  layed  there  and  cryed  sometimes  at  treatment;  that  was  in  0-1;  now  i  just  had  milignant  cancer  removed  from  my  lip  also  haveing  some  trouble  with  my  throat  so  more  test;  girl  i  tell  ya;;  i  dont  know  why  these  things  happen  i  feel  like  i  just  cant  take  it  some  days  ya  know  i  dont  know  what  they  will  find  next!  My  faith  in  god  is  getting  me  through it  all.  I  did  not  do  chemo.  So  far;           You  can  vent  to  me  anytime;  i;am  here  for  you;  you  are  both  in  my  prayers;  i  know  it  is  so  hard  for  you to  see  your  husband  so  ill.  You  sound  like  a  very  loveing  wife;  you  hang  in  there  okay?   Be  blessed  your  friend   mary