My Daughter

My last message was trying to decide to use Tarceva or not. We tried and all it did was give her terrible diarrhea so we stopped.
We (her husband, one daughter and myself) decided to stop trying to come up with some medicine and just to let her die. The doctor said she needed blood so they gave her two pints but she has been totally incoherant and wants to get out of bed all the time and says she has to go and then nothing happens. She seems to have panic attacks about every hours. Now, they have her on heavy medication and want her to stay at the hospital till she dies but that means she has to be on TPN (food supplement) and that will prolong her death. I understand the reason for the TPN is that the insurance company won't pay for her to stay at the hospital unless she is on TPN. It does seem ironic that you can't be in the hospital and die unless the insurance company says so. I am very upset with the whole process and it's hard to sit and just watch her slowly fade away and not be able to help anymore. Do any of you know what to look for at the end of life. I watch her all the time but don't know what I should be seeing. Anything will be helpful. Thank you.

 

On 4/25/2008 CarolJan wrote:

My last message was trying to decide to use Tarceva or not. We tried and all it did was give her terrible diarrhea so we stopped.
We (her husband, one daughter and myself) decided to stop trying to come up with some medicine and just to let her die. The doctor said she needed blood so they gave her two pints but she has been totally incoherant and wants to get out of bed all the time and says she has to go and then nothing happens. She seems to have panic attacks about every hours. Now, they have her on heavy medication and want her to stay at the hospital till she dies but that means she has to be on TPN (food supplement) and that will prolong her death. I understand the reason for the TPN is that the insurance company won't pay for her to stay at the hospital unless she is on TPN. It does seem ironic that you can't be in the hospital and die unless the insurance company says so. I am very upset with the whole process and it's hard to sit and just watch her slowly fade away and not be able to help anymore. Do any of you know what to look for at the end of life. I watch her all the time but don't know what I should be seeing. Anything will be helpful. Thank you.

I am sorry for what you and your family are going through.  My heart breaks for you....my mom passed away on March 10th after battling colon cancer for almost 3 years.  We had her at home with hospice care.  She had signed a health care proxy that was left blank for us to determine if she would get any medicine...she refused feedings and we gave her pain and anxiety medications.  Does she have a health care proxy?  Did she state her wants at this time?  A social worker can help you.  There is nothing you can do at this time except help to make her comfortable, talk to her if she can handle it, massage her feet..sing, whatever.  Tell her whatever you always wanted to say.  My was alert and conversant on Thursday afternoon...when she found out her organs had failed her, she gave up...she was very anxious and agitated for 1 1/2 days and then was in a coma for  2 1/2 days...then she passed, but prior to passing...she aknowledged that she heard us, she opened her eyes and cried.  She heard everything we said and she let go.  It was so difficult to watch and yet, very special.  We were there with her at her last moments.  She told us goodbye and she put peace around my heart...at least for now.  It's now 1 1/2 months and I still haven't grasped it.  I only have moments when something great or bad happens and I want to call her.  Sorry for rambling to you.  I wish you much strength in the next days, god bless you and your daughter...one sweet day, we will all meet again.

CarolJan, I am so sorry you are going through this nightmare with your daughter and your family.  I hate this disease.  I lost my husband Mike February 22 to stomach cancer.  He was in the Veteran's Hospital and had a feeding tube.  They told me the feeding tube will also prolong his death as his body was trying to shut down.  I removed it and he passed within 13 hours.  The rapid shallow breathing is a sign that death is imminent.  Also my husband would move (as if trying to sit up).  This is the agitation that comes with imminent death.  Haldol is prescribed for this.  He was on morphine for pain and atavan for anxiety. Insist on anxiety medication for your daughter.  He was comatose at the end.  He was transferred on the last day of his life to the hospice section of the hospital.  See if there is a hospice section in the hospital where your daughter is.  Many of them have one.  This is so very painful to watch.  You have to let your daughter know that it's okay for her to go; she may be holding on for you and your family.  She can hear everything.  God bless you during this nightmare ordeal.  Remember we will be reunited, until then....

Diane, Mike's wife

As well as being a breast cancer survivor I am also a hospice nurse. We are called "angels of mercy " by some and accused  of "murdering by morphine" by others.There is both home and inpatient hospice. I work primarily inpatient hospice so we see the worse cases. It is unbelievable what an amazing and variable process is involved as people die. Some suffer for weeks despite the pain and anxiety meds, the special morphine pumps, etc. while others slip so quietly away. I could write a book about my experiences, but don't have the time. Hospice can be a blessing. Best wishes during this difficult time.