Need Advice.

I found this site looking for some insight. This is my first time visiting. I was hopeing to find some advice. My girlfriend's mother has recently been diagnosed with liver cancer and has been given only several months. This has been some very trumatic news for the whole family. Most of the caregiving has fell on my girlfriend and she has taken this very hard. My girlfriend has lived at home her whole life so her mom has always been there for her as well. I really want to be there and be supportive but I have been met with resistance. My girlfriend and I have never really had any problems in our relationship but this terrible news has had a real negative effect. She has had to put our relationship "on hold" and will not have anything at all to do with me. This is not like her at all. Days before we found out the news we were talking of marriage. She has informed me that she no longer has time for me. I understand that she needs her time and space to deal with this, but she will not accept any help from me nor does she stay in contact. I also have been very close to her family which makes this really hard for me, I worked with her mom for 3 years. I feel so bad for her mother because I love her very much, and I don't want to see her go as well. I am so sad that with my absense I may never see her living again. I have only wanted to help my girlfriend through this. I have spent three months researching and trying to learn as much as I can about cancer so I can be supportive, and helpful. My girlfriend has a pre school age daughter to take care of and a sick father, so I can understand she is very busy and very stressed. She has recently been put on several types of medications for stress and depression. I to have had to seek help for depression for this chain of events has had its effects on me as well. I just want to be there for them, and don't understand why they would reject me. I love them all very much and I know they care about me too. Please, if anyone has had a similar experience or could give me some sort advice I would be very thankful. I no longer know what I can do and dont want to give up.

Hurt&Confused-

First of all, let me introduce myself. I am the wife of a cancer patient. Actually, my husband is in remission now. We first found out about his cancer right after our first anniversary in 2003- and were absolutely devastated. He had bone cancer of the left femur. Neither of us had a history of cancer in our family and so we both thought we were in the clear. Just goes to show that cancer doesn't care who you are. We both struggled with the numerous rounds of chemo, biopsies, surgery (limb salvaging surgery- replaced half of his femur with a metal rod)and the strain this put on our marriage. We were so newly married that his family felt it was their duty to become so intimately involved- which was very hard on me at times. There were times that I just wanted to tell them to go away because this was between he and I. Even though there were many times where I appreciated their help- I felt like an outsider.

As for your situation-- I obviously don't know your girlfriend or her personality or "where" she is coming from on her decision. It could be that she knows that her mother doesn't have long and she wants to spend as much time with her- alone- as possible. It could also be that she doesn't want you to see her mother in this kind of shape. Cancer is an ugly, ugly disease and many people would rather hide- due to their appearance- than see anybody. I know that when I was hurting- I said mean things to those I was closest to. I was angry that this disease could happen to US- and even though I knew my family and friends were trying to help- I had to let some of my feelings out at times- sometimes on to them. But, ultimately, I still wanted them to be there when I needed them. There were also times when people would say "I am here to help- just let me know what I can do." I heard that a lot- and appreciated it. But, when it came down to it- it took too much energy to THINK of a task that that person could help with- it was quicker to just do it myself. Furthermore, I never wanted to bother them. There were times that I just wished they would KNOW what I needed and just do it without being asked. We had some friends that made us lasagna and froze it in individual containers for us- that way we didn't have to worry about dinner when we needed it. That helped a lot. Perhaps thats something you could do for her. I'm sure she wouldn't turn that down.

I think that if you do little things- things that allow you to not become TOO involved with in the actual caregiving of her mother- she will see how much you are helping- and maybe she will begin to open up to you and let you in. You will also feel better for helping. Think of things you know they like- compile songs for them on a cd, rent them some movies to watch, or make them dinner. These are all things you can do from the "outside"- and they can enjoy them whenever they want.

Just be patient and continue to respect your girlfriend's space. She may not know what she wants or needs- but being a steady friend is a really big gift! As hard as it is- you have to put their requests first.

Dear survival spouse. Thank you so much for responding. Your advice has really made a difference. I read your reply and called my ex to see how things were going, it was the first time I have talked to her in 3 weeks. I asked her how things were going with her mom, and her. She has informed me that things are going pretty well. I kept the conversation short and sweet and asked her to call me later so we could talk. She said she would. Im not real sure if she will ever really let me back into her life and family. The news of her mom has taken a very big toll on her. I understand completly she is going through the hardest time in her life. Her mother and her are closer than any one I have ever seen. I just miss them so very much, and wish there was more I could do. I also understand that this is a private time for them, and maybe she is just protecting me from the situation. They have some close friends that are there all the time and are always helping with things maybe they feel my help is not needed. I really hope there is some improvement in her moms condition, but the doctors seem to think things are grim. Maybe I will get a call later and can try to let her know that I am always here. If she sees I can handle things perhaps there will be some change for the better. I will just give her the time and space she needs if I dont hear from her and hopefully she will someday remember that I tried with all my heart and soul. thank you again and I hope things find you well.

Excellent advice!!!!! 1999 diagnosed primary liver/ gallbladder. Removed gallbladder and resected left lobe of liver. one year later a spot showed up on right lobe of liver. Advised only hemaginoma no need for surgery again. Six months later spot on liver grew very slightly and spots showed on both lungs. Today taking chemo and waiting to see how it goes. The point is I have felt and seen those emotions and behavoirs many times. For me it is primarily Feelings of wanting to be isolated and not wanting to have everyone bearing over me. Although, I love them all dearly, and it is difficult to break through some of those emotional barriers. Love and the sin of a little tear drop usually breaks the barrier though. If you don't mind me asking, how are you and your husband doing? It really is a rough road don't yea think? God's Prayers to you both!
Sincerely, Jeff G.

I would first like to thank you guys for all the positive input you have given me. My prayers are with you as well. I have not been able to contact my girlfriend or her family in several days. I would really like to know how things are going. I think that things are probably getting pretty tough for them at this point so Im going to pull back and give them there space. Im sure if they need me they will let me know. The greatest help I can be is to let go and let them have these valuable last months together. I have researched alot about liver cancers but there is alot I have to learn to be any help. I think that my Ex's mom has a tumer that can not be removed. She is going through chemo and radiation treatments to just extend her life and make her comfortable. Its no wonder they are having trouble dealing with outside things. The surgery she had was to remove her gall bladder and to add some sort of stints in her bile ducts. Thats when they found out that surgery could not be completed. So they went with the treatment option. The doctors informed the family that she would not have much time left. Im not the type person to give up hope. I still think that she has a chance knowing how tough of a person she is. Plus I guess because I care so much about her I don't want to see her go. I would love to know some more about this type of cancer and what kind of chances she really has so I can sort of prepare for what is to come. My ex is not keeping in contact, and i can't blaim her with all thats going on in her life. So I am informed very little. I can't even imagin how she feels right now. Or how she felt when the doctors came out of surgery and gave her the news. I know that if I was in her shoes and my mom was sick. I would be a mess. So if any one has any info on this type of cancer, or any suggestions on how to approach my girlfriend about this please let me know. God bless you all and I wish you the best.

My husband and I have had a rough "start" to marriage. After the chemo I went back to school to get my masters. I lost my job in the process of taking care of him - so, I needed a fresh start. Things were difficult after he had finished chemo. Where as I had done everything around the house for a full year - he didn't seem to notice things that needed to be done. It was constant fighting to get him to help me again. Honestly, there were many times that I wanted to leave - to just give up. I felt like he didn't understand what I had to go through. I know he had the physical pain - but I shared the emotional pain. There were times when I felt neglected by everyone. I felt like I was the messenger - no one cared how I was or how hard it was for me. No one really thinks about that - unless they've gone through it themselves. I felt almost resentful that I had given up so much (my job, my time, my energy, my sanity, my strength) to help him and he was not thankful. Things got better for awhile - but then he lost his job (we believe based on increased insurance costs) - and without me working fulltime - we were about 3/4 short on our income. Plus, he was depressed and again couldn't help me out around the house.

Recently, though, things have gotten a lot better. He's gotten a new job and I'm out of school for the summer and only working part time- which is a lot more relaxing. We are able to do more fun things and have been finding new ways to have fun - for free!! Its been a journey - to say the least and we are still on that road. But, I learned a lot from going through the chemo with him - you have to look at every beautiful moment that life throws at you and amplify it the max!!!

I hope things go well for you!! I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers!! Stay positive as much as you can! Please keep me updated.

Joe,

I am no expert on Cancer or on relationships, but I do have some advice for you.

First, check out this guy's website:

http://cancergen.com

Here is his link to Liver Cancer Websites:

http://cancergen.com /liver

I also suggest that you explore this website for information on liver cancer.

As for your relationship with your girlfriend...

Dear Abby I am NOT...however...

"Sudden Bad News Syndrome" can cause even the most rational person to react in totally opposite ways to what is normal for them.

"Sudden Bad News Syndrome" is my term for what happens when we hear something devastating, such as the impending death of a loved one.
Rarely does this apply to those unfortunate enough to have that 3 a.m. knock on the door by the Highway Patrol with a request to go try to identify a son, daughter, husband or wife.

"Sudden Bad News Syndrome" can cause a person to cut off everything and every one around them that is not an essential part of dealing with the Bad News. In your girlfriends case, she heard that her Mother, whom she has been with all her life, is going to DIE. (Insert HUGE fonts for the word DIE. I used all caps to indicate that the word should be screamed because that is the way your girlfriend heard of her Mother' Cancer. If the words were whispered, to her ears it was as if they were screamed through the largest PA system on the planet...worthy of a Ted Nugent concert setup.)

Your girlfriend has cut you off, most likely, so she will not have to deal with what she perceives as your "intimate" requests for her attention. Even if you have never been "demanding" of intimacy, she may think that you will become that way because she will be / is spending all her time with her Mother.
(Just to be sure, I am not speaking only about sex, but about going out, spending time together, etc. Those things that make a relationship "intimate" between two people.)

The part that is so confusing is that she has dropped all contact with you.
She may be afraid that you will be angry with her, or make demands that will upset her.
It could be a thousand things that she has decided on that she will avoid simply by avoiding you.

You are getting indformation from someone...may I inquire whom it is?

Have you sent her a letter through the US Mail? (Or if you are not in the US, whatever mail system your home planet...I mean country...uses.)

My advice, regardless of anything else, is to just stand back, let her know that you love her, support her in whatever decisions she is making, or has already made, and let her know in no uncertian terms that you will be waiting for her. Let her know that you are hurting for her mom. Let her know that you want to do whatever it is that needs to be done for her mother.
Ask her to please call you so you will know where you stand in her life. Are you back-burnered or cast-off?

If she informs you that it is over between you and her, then do her mother a huge favor and just let it go. There will be time after for you and your girlfriend to revisit any such decision. You may choose to move on with your life, and that's your right. Personally, I'd wait and see what comes later.

But above all, keep the respect for her mother above everything else.

I really hate this part, but I have to say it because things do not sound too promising. I am not trying to shoot you down, but if her Mother is as bad as you say she is, then she most likely will not pull through. Cancer is an evil Monster that we can only beat back into temporary submission. In the long run, The Monster wins most battles, eventually. It's just the truth. I know there are exceptions, and she may be one...that is why we pray for each and every victim that this Monster takes between it's foul teeth.

I'll be brief with this part...My Story...

Two months ago my 76 year old mother found out she is NOT diabetic, but instead she has been attacked by the Pancreatic Cancer Monster.
On June 7th she went through a 5.5 hour Whipple surgery.
The pathology returned with news that four out of fourteen lymph nodes that were removed were cancerous. The report on the portion of the pancreas that was removed showed that the cancer went right up to the surgical cut, meaning that there was some that was left behind.
Radiation and Chemo are prescribed, and Mom may start the Radiation in another week or so. She may not complete it if it is too rough on her.

When the doctor came out after doing an ERCP on Mom and told me, flat out and without holding back that she had a tumor in the head of her pancreas and it looked cancerous...I was devastated. I'm almost 46 years old, and I am not a man that is prone to crying.
I did that day.

We have put it all in God's hands now. It's his plan anyway so why go against it?

Joe, I hope some of this helps you. If there is anything I can try to help you with, let me know.

David

Thank you very much for your kind advice. I haveing a very hard time with this. I am so scarred of losing all that I care about. I no longer know what to do. I have already tried alot of the stuff you suggested. I even sent my ex flowers to brighten her day but nothing seems to work. I just seems like she hates me. I tried text messages but she only replyed "go on with your life" and that is not like her at all. I also really miss her mom and daughter. I don't see much improvemet in her moms case. But I am informed very little. I have posted some other messages under the primary liver cancer section. Maybe this may answer some of you questions. Please get back to me on this. By the way how did you know my name. I also love Ted ugent. Thanks again, hope to here from you soon.

In my upset mood I forgot to wish you and your mom well. I hope every thing turns out for the best. you will both be in my prayers. She has alot to be proud of raising some one that is caring and good hearted as you. thanks again.

The messages I spoke of are on the primary liver cancer treatment site just above the need advice section. Sorry for any confusion.