She Doesn't Know I Know...What To Do??I Want To Say Something...

but i dont want to get my neighbor in trouble.  Ok so i guess i should give a little history.  Just a few months ago my neighbour told me that my other neighbour across the street has breast cancer. She had just undergone a mastectomy and was going to need very extensive chemo and radiation.   My neighhour was told to keep it a secret, but told me because she was having a hard time dealing with it and she trusts me not to spread it around.  I was outside talking to both of them not long ago and if you hadn't told me, i wouldn't have noticed the mastectomy.  I guess you just don't look in that area when you are talking with someone.  I didn't want to make it obvious.  At that time her chemo hadn't started so she still looked pretty much the same.  Since then i was told that she had several chemo treatments.  You can tell because my neighbour has started to wear head scarfs and looks weaker.  I haven't had the chance to talk with her, as she hasn't been outside alot.  I so desperately want to offer my assistance and support but just don't know how to approach this without 'outing' the neighbour who told me about it all.  I kinda wish she hadn't told me because if and when my neighbour decides to share this with me I don't know how to react.  I understand how horrible cancer is on the family as i just recently lost my father to pancreatic cancer and my mother was diagnosed shortly after with leukemia.  I just want to be there for  her.  I find myself peeking out the window when she is outside to see how she is doing.  I worry terribly about her and only have good intentions.  How do you think i should deal with this?   She has small children and it breaks my heart that such a lovely person is battling cancer.  But i also know that if there is anything i can do to lessen her burden i would do it in a heartbeat.  Please help.

Hi ,

I would suggest you do nothing except pray for your neighbor.

Obviously she does not want to share information with others.  Cancer is very invasive.  She must be in shock herself and probably does not want pity from others.  Just pray for her.  When she is ready to share with you, I am sure she will.

That other neighbor should not have share.  When people confide their personal information and specifically request not to share, it is a betrayal of confidence to share,  especially when one is seriously sick and vulnerable.

Be blessed.

Jockey

Hi,

It is very unfortunate that your neighbor shared with you information that was not to be given out. I agree you should pray for your neighbor who has cancer and also pray for the neighbor who told you. She broke confidentiality and if the one who has cancer finds out she may not ever trust her again.

With all that said, it is obvious from appearance sake something is wrong with your neighbor. I had the same surgery almost 2 yrs. ago and wore hats.

Hope your neighbor eventually shares with you, but until she does, just pray for her.

God Bless you,

Bev 

Without ratting out your other neighbor (which I would really not be too concerned about that) the focus is the neighbor that is ill. I would just go outside one day when you see her outside and ask her if there is anything you can do for her and her family. You do not have to tell her anyone told you anything. Just by her wearing scarves and looking weak she will kno w you obviously know something is going on. When I was going thru treatment the best thing was when people ask me what they could do. You could get the family a grocery gift card, offer to take her to appointments or just ask her if she wants to talk to call or walk across the steet and you will be there for her. I am sure you know all this anyway having dealt with cancer recently with your family.

Good luck and make a move to her....

Jennifer

On 5/15/2008 worriedforthem wrote:

but i dont want to get my neighbor in trouble.  Ok so i guess i should give a little history.  Just a few months ago my neighbour told me that my other neighbour across the street has breast cancer. She had just undergone a mastectomy and was going to need very extensive chemo and radiation.   My neighhour was told to keep it a secret, but told me because she was having a hard time dealing with it and she trusts me not to spread it around.  I was outside talking to both of them not long ago and if you hadn't told me, i wouldn't have noticed the mastectomy.  I guess you just don't look in that area when you are talking with someone.  I didn't want to make it obvious.  At that time her chemo hadn't started so she still looked pretty much the same.  Since then i was told that she had several chemo treatments.  You can tell because my neighbour has started to wear head scarfs and looks weaker.  I haven't had the chance to talk with her, as she hasn't been outside alot.  I so desperately want to offer my assistance and support but just don't know how to approach this without 'outing' the neighbour who told me about it all.  I kinda wish she hadn't told me because if and when my neighbour decides to share this with me I don't know how to react.  I understand how horrible cancer is on the family as i just recently lost my father to pancreatic cancer and my mother was diagnosed shortly after with leukemia.  I just want to be there for  her.  I find myself peeking out the window when she is outside to see how she is doing.  I worry terribly about her and only have good intentions.  How do you think i should deal with this?   She has small children and it breaks my heart that such a lovely person is battling cancer.  But i also know that if there is anything i can do to lessen her burden i would do it in a heartbeat.  Please help.

 

 

Having afamily members with chemo, just "accidentally" walk outside and across the street when you see your neighbor and ask, that due to your experience, you couldn't help but wonder if she is undergoing chemotherapy treatments.  If she says yes and she's open to conversation at all, start talking and listening.  If she prefers not to talk about it, you'll know.  If she doesn't, offer her any help, tell her you're there for her and make your exit.

 If she is open to talking, by all means, talk.  Or rather, let her talk.  When I was going through chemo, I was so very lonley.  Few people actually came up to me and said anything.  The only place I felt comfortable was at the hospital.  Friends didn't want to "bother" me, aquaintences didn't know what to say so they stayed away for the most part.  There isn't much family to lean on so I was lonley.  The lonliness hurt almost more than anything else.

I had friends online, but there's nothing that replaces human contact.  A neighbor to share a cup of coffee, someone to chat with, someone close to home, these things are so important.  Worlds close in on a cancer patient or anyone with a dilitating disease especially when one's appearance is changed so drastically, like when chemo treatments alter the appearance so dramatically. 

Extend a hand.  If she is so uncomfotable that she can't open up, give her time.  But if I were you, and your heart seems to be in the right place, do it.  She just might be sorely needing a friend.

Laura 

On 5/22/2008 tia04 wrote:

Hi, Make your neighbor a meal or some muffins and bring it over. You will never regret helping someone or showing love, you may regret looking out your window and doing nothing. All the energy put into worrying and wishing you did not know could be put to positive use. If you offer kindness and she is negative about it then at least you know in your heart your tried.

I really like your take on the subject, tia04.  You can move into my neighborhood anytime you'd like!