The Future For Caregivers

I feel extremely guilty for thinking about this but do caregivers look beyond the treatments and when your loved one does pass due to this horrible disease?

My father was diagnosed in April with lung cancer with mets to bone but the last week has been extremely hard.  He has really gone down hill - pain is horrible and although he acted older than his 74 years to begin with he has aged another 10-15 years within the last week.  My mother takes on the bulk of his daily care since my sister and I work during the day.  His breathing was so labored tonight so I fear what tomorrow brings.

Sometimes I think that once my father passes my sister and I will take her on a relaxing vacation since she hasn't been on one in quite some time. Its not like I want my father to die but sometimes this is where my thinking takes me.

Does anybody think like this or am I a terrible daughter? 

When my father was terminal, I stayed with them to help, and then to keep my mother company after he went into the hospital for the last time.

I figured, if the doctors can't do anything else, I sure can't; I decided that my mother was now my patient.

You're your mother's child as well as your father's. You've done your duty by your father, and now it's your mother that needs you.

As for "wanting him to die", he will do that whether you want him to or not. We all will. What we can want, is an orderly transition into the next phase, whatever you believe that is.

Be by your father's bedside as he moves on, and then by all means load your mom onto a cruise ship, take her someplace relaxing, let her meet other widow ladies she can bond with.

 

On 5/23/2008 TracyR wrote:

I feel extremely guilty for thinking about this but do caregivers look beyond the treatments and when your loved one does pass due to this horrible disease?

My father was diagnosed in April with lung cancer with mets to bone but the last week has been extremely hard.  He has really gone down hill - pain is horrible and although he acted older than his 74 years to begin with he has aged another 10-15 years within the last week.  My mother takes on the bulk of his daily care since my sister and I work during the day.  His breathing was so labored tonight so I fear what tomorrow brings.

Sometimes I think that once my father passes my sister and I will take her on a relaxing vacation since she hasn't been on one in quite some time. Its not like I want my father to die but sometimes this is where my thinking takes me.

Does anybody think like this or am I a terrible daughter? 

i am so sorry for what you are going through. i assure you ,this does not make you a terrible daughter. if it does i to am a  terrible son.i sit here and watch my mom suffer daily.she just turned 49 on may 7th and according to the oncolagist she has about 2 weeks left with us. i feel guitly for feeling greedy and not wanting to loose her. i feel guilty for wanting her to stop suffering.every thought i have ends in guilt. yesterday we went to a funeral home to attempt pre planning, and i gotta tell you this did not help at all. anyhow i just wanted to let you know you are not a terrible daughter and dont think you are . please take care,caregivers are all they have

Hold your head high and be proud of all you have done for your loved one.  You are NOT a terrible daughter.  I had the same kind of thoughts and feelings about my father.  He did not have cancer but his death was not an easy one.  I even prayed that it would end soon for him.  I was by his side the whole time holding his hand and he knew I was there the last few hours.  Now, my husband has lung cancer in stage 3.  He starts chemo this coming Wed.  I know the days and months ahead will not be easy for either of us, but God is good and will help us through whatever lies before us.  Caregivers are SPECIAL people and usually get little recognition for all they go through.  Love your Mom and let her know you will not leave her during her worst times when she is so afraid.  My prayers will be with you.

Daisy

Not only do I not think you are terrible, but your message helped me so very much. My Mom was diagnosed with Stage IV NSCLC in February with mets to the lymph nodes.  She had four rounds of chemo (Taxol, Carboplatin and Avastin) but was suffering so much from the chemo the doctor took her off all but Avastin.  I have been caring for her to the best of my ability (I live an hour away) but it is so hard to see her suffer. On the one hand I dread and fear losing her (can't imagine life without her) but on the other hand I dread and fear this dragging out for years for all of our sakes as I know there is no cure. So I do find myself thinking of life "afterwards" fairly often and I thought I was the only one who did this and that I was a terrible daughter.  Now I know this is normal and that I'm not.  And neither are you.  Thanks again. 

 

On 5/25/2008 pbear wrote:

Not only do I not think you are terrible, but your message helped me so very much. My Mom was diagnosed with Stage IV NSCLC in February with mets to the lymph nodes.  She had four rounds of chemo (Taxol, Carboplatin and Avastin) but was suffering so much from the chemo the doctor took her off all but Avastin.  I have been caring for her to the best of my ability (I live an hour away) but it is so hard to see her suffer. On the one hand I dread and fear losing her (can't imagine life without her) but on the other hand I dread and fear this dragging out for years for all of our sakes as I know there is no cure. So I do find myself thinking of life "afterwards" fairly often and I thought I was the only one who did this and that I was a terrible daughter.  Now I know this is normal and that I'm not.  And neither are you.  Thanks again. 

 

 

I completly understand where you are coming from.  My Mom was diagnosed with stage 4 small cell lung cancer.  I live 4 hours away so when I come to help take care of her, I am at her house for weeks at a time; 24/7.  There are times when I just sit and wonder what is going to happen "afterwards".  Then I feel guilty for thinking about it.  Sometimes I think I'm in denial about her disease, then others I am thinking about my life after she passes away.  That is my biggest fear.  I always knew that one day she would be gone, I'm just not ready for it to happen.  My Mom is only 59, and I am only 32.  I was expecting her to be around to watch my 3 year old grow up.  Now, I know that my daughter is not going to know how wonderful my mother is.  She isn't going to know how much my Mom loves her.  I grew up with only the stories that my older brother and cousins have told me about my Grandfather, and now my daughter is going to go through the same thing.  I feel angry and guilty and sad and resentful all rolled up into one big emotional ball.  I feel like a horrible daughter for feeling all of these feelings.  I know all of these feelings are normal but that doesn't always help. 

I hope that all works out for you.  Just remember that you are not the only one having these feelings.