Need Advice

Please help,
My best frend went for a colonoscopy on Monday (7/11/05) and the doctors found suspicous growths in his colon. They removed and reattached the lower intestine, but in the process they found spots on his liver. The surgeon biopsied the cells while he was in there but said he feels confident that it's cancer. He went so far as to say that it was Stage 4 and had metastisised(sp). Please forgive my poor spelling and ignorance of the subject.
He's in his early forties, married to a wonderful woman and has two great kids (1 girl and 1 boy)......his son just turned 16, and it seems so unfair that this is happening. He's always put his family in front of everthing else. I don't what to do or say to help. I want him to get well enough to go home so he can get the best possible cancer care there is.
What I'm looking for is: where is the best possible care? What does a person do when their best friend is suffering from a disease such as this? Should I put a front on for him so he'll fight as hard as it takes or do I let him know I'm scared to death for him?
This guy has been like a brother and a father to me. He's never steered me wrong with his advice and I want to do the same for him.
I appreciate anyone responding to this email.
Thanks and God Bless,
Evan

Evan:
Cancer is not fair and does not care what kind of a person it infects. All I can say to you is be there for your friend from the start. Let him know how you feel, scared, upset and yes even at a loss. There are several great doctors and hospitals out there that can help, but time is of the importance. Make sure your friend knows you will help in any way that you can. Taking him to treatments, helping the family during their crisis and let me say there will be a crisis. There is nothing wrong is showing your emotions. There will be times when you feel like crying, so do it. Hug each other and show him how you feel about him. There is NO such thing as being too macho to show feelings.
I work in an environment where I see death and the ugly things that people do to each other and I do not let that effect me. But, my wife of 35 years has just been diagnosed with liver cancer that has spread from her breast cancer from three years ago. She had her first chemo last Tuesday and by Sunday she has been admitted to a hospital because of the illness and not looking good at this time. I have cried many times in the last few days and tears are in my eyes as I write this to you to tell you to be strong for your friend, but do not hide your feelings. Enough of my ramblings. Good luck to you, your friend and their family. Think positive and never give up the faith.

Roger

Evan,
I'm so sorry to hear about your friend. My husband is 41 and has bile duct cancer diagnosed in Sept 2004. It has been a rough road but he is doing well right now. There is no cure for his cancer so we are doing everything we can to help him. My advice to you would be to stay strong for your friend but do let him know how scared you are and how much you care about him. You will be able to tell from his reaction how he wants to deal with it. My husband and I both prefer to deal with the facts with our friends and family and deal with the emotions in private. We have a good cry and then get on with it. Our children are 10 and 13 so we can't be emotional messes all of the time, plus it wouldn't be good for us. I think being involved in your friend's day to day struggle would help you focus on what needs to be done rather than how scared you are. I think in some ways I can deal with my husband's illness better than his siblings or parents because they aren't here everyday and I am. One of the most important things you can do for your friend is research. There is so much information out there and new info coming out each day. Your friend and his family probably won't have the time to research and find new treatments and doctors, etc. Some of our family and friends have helped us with this, even making calls for us. It has been a huge help even if what they find is a small thing. Unfortunately, I don't know a lot about liver cancer (you need to find out if it is colon cancer spread to the liver or liver cancer - it makes a big difference) but I have come across many articles about newer and better treatments for liver cancer. Go to the library, the book store, search the internet, read magazines (Newsweek, etc have updates on cancer in some of their issues), read the cancer news on this site (very helpful) and don't give up. Also, look into alternative treatments (diet, vitamins, herbs, accupuncture (my husband loves going), reiki, etc). I firmly believe that the things we are doing at home with diet and supplements have really made a difference in his survival to this point. Good luck and stay strong. I hope your friend finds his cure and lives a long, happy life.

Just an update to my e-mail. My wife did pass away as the result of the liver cancer on August 10. Hope everyone out there fights this thing to the end and stays the course until it can be beat.

Roger

Roger,
I am so sorry to hear that your wife passed away. May you find peace in your time of grief and sorrow. I hope you know that I've followed the advice from your email and that your response struck a cord.
Thank you and please take care of yourself.
Evan Kirk