Still Coping With Dad's Death

Hello friends,

My dad passed away from GBM about 10 weeks ago. He was only 61 years old and died within 7 mths after being diagnosed.

For the last 2-3 weeks, I've been thinking a lot about my dad. I miss him so much and more than anything I just feel so bad and sorry about the fact that my dad suffered so much. The only images that come to my mind about my dad are his skinny legs from being bedridden for 3 mts, his discomfort, the fact that he stopped eating, drinking, and was in a coma-state for almost 2-3 weeks before he died.

The Monday before my dad died, I got him out of his coma state and he looked at me and I asked him if he wanted gatorade and that he needs nutrients in his body and he nodded his head. He wasn't talking anymore. So I tried giving him gatorade with a straw, but he stopped swallowing too. Then I asked do u want IV and go to a hospital and he nodded his head. My mom and I didn't know what to do because the docs and hospice said that there's no point in taking him to the doc...it'll just increase his suffering. But then my dad stopped communicating and he went back to his coma (at least i think he did). And that Thursday he died.

My dad suffered so much, he got TB because his immune system went weak, he was going crazy, didn't walk or sit for 3 weeks, very bad short term memory loss, stopped eating, drinking, talking. It was like watching someone's body just shut down slowly and slowly. I just am so sorry that he had to suffer like that. Does everyone with GBM suffer like this?

I cry almost everyday because i miss him and the pain he went through pains me. My dad was and still is my best friend, and everything to me. And it's so hard not having him in my life anymore.

 Sometimes, I just wish that he had a sudden and quick death so that he wouldn't have to suffer.

Can someone please share their experiences with me so that I don't feel alone.

Ranju

Ranju,

I have not gone through this and I hope it never comes to that. I don't think everyone suffers like this and my heart breaks that your dad suffered so and that you HAD to see it happen. Take peace in the knowledge that he knew you were there and that he is still with you in spirit. Grieve all you want to. It is something that we all have to do. The pain will eventually be replaced by a dull ache, but it will always be with you. It's OK to cry, but please - when it gets to the point where you can't function, seek some grief conselling. My dad died very suddenly at the age of 69 - not from cancer, but from a heart attack. It's now my brother that I am watching - going through the battle with GBM.. I too would pray for a quick and painless death for myself and everyone. Unfortunately we don't get to make that decision.

Your dad is at peace and out of pain - take comfort in that. He woudln't want you to go on like this. He's watching over you and wants you to go on - as hard as it seems, but you KNOW that is what he'd want.

Hugs and prayers to you and your mom.

Eileen

I feel for you right now.  I know what you are going through.  My mom passed away little over a year ago.  Since your dad was in hospice and my mom was also in hospice they do have groups and individual counselor to help you get through this.  You need to talk to someone.  It does help.  My mom was dx on 12-31-06 she passed away on may 31, 07.  My mom went in on Mother's Day she was talking and next day she wasn't making any since she didn't know who we were.  We tried everything to get my mom to eat to talk.  She would talk but we didn't know what she was saying.  You need to talk to your someone your friends, family get it out because my counselor told me if you keep this in it will do more harm to you then what you think.  She told me your mom would want you to feel this way.  You take one day at a time.  If you need to vent this is a good site to do that.  I did it more then once. 

Trish

Dearborn Heights, MI

Hi Ranju,

Your story is almost identical to mine. My dad, 55 years old, passed away May 23, 2008 with GBM. I am still trying to cope and accept that he is gone and that I will never see him for the rest of my life. He also was bedridden for about 3 weeks, he had hurt his back from 2 slipped disks. He went in a coma like state and stopped eating. He slowly died and I sat by his bedside and watched him for weeks. There was nothing I could do but pray that God would take him and stop his suffering. Most GBM patients do die like this, I knew the end stages and his were almost by the book. He would stare up at the ceiling and sord of wave his arm around as if he was trying to grab something. When I saw that he started to do this, I knew the end was near for him. My poor Dad was a good man, he helped anyone he could, he was healthy and strong until he was diagnosed with this. It was a tragedy, he was too young. I will never forgot one day as I walked into his hospital room...it was a beautiful sunny day, he was laying on his side and looking out the window. I saw so much sadness and helplessness in his eyes that it broke my heart into a million pieces. My Dad did not die for nothing, he changed my life in the 19 months that he suffered through this. I have more compassion and love for the people around me, my Dad never complained or felt sorry for himself, I am stonger, braver and wiser from watching him endure this disease. The only way I can cope with his death is to be more like him each day. I hope this helps a little bit.

Lori G. 

There are no words that I can say to make you feel better, but you will in time feel better.  I had lost both of my parents before I was 32. My mother I am 66 now.  My Dad went first.  Cancer - in the 60's and my Mom died with a stroke 14 years later.  I stll miss them and I still talk to them I have GMB now and the first thought I have is how my grown children will miss me and I know I am going to try to always be on the look out for them ,, just as they have been for me.  I went to a pain clinic 2years after my mother died and I was having all the pain because I was in such grief for her.  I found a way to grieve and still go on and I know you will too.  Go to a grief class , be proactive , others are hurting too and they are coping ok, you will too.

MJE 

Dear Ranju,

I am trying to cope with something similar to your situation.  First, let me say I am very sorry for the loss of your father.  I know it is so painful.

I lost my beloved husband February 22 to stomach cancer and the pain is still so great.  I can't believe he is gone and miss him terribly.  He was the love of my life.  He kept clinging to life - he wanted to live so badly but it was not to be.  He fought for three years.  I thought I had grieved during his illness, but it hit me like a brick wall when he passed.  Some days I feel I cannot go on.  I have joined a grief support group with people who are experiencing what I am feeling and it helps.  But the house is so lonely and his absence is so obvious.  My husband was also 61 years old.

I try to remember the good times; right now just the sad painful time at the end of his life come to mind.  I know we will be reunited some day and that is a consolation.  I just miss him so.  Until then....

God bless you and give you peace,

Diane, Mike's wife

Hi Ranju,

I am sorry to hear of the loss of your father and I know how you are feeling. 

July 2nd will make a year that l lost my mother to GBM and she was only 56yrs old, she battled this demon for 14 months.  I am 28yrs old, everyday I wish this didn't happen and some days I wish I was with her so we could be together again.  I still live in the same house where we were together and its hard because there are so many memories of her around but at the same time I don't want to leave.  The thought of going to her grave makes me sick and I haven't gone since her b-day this pass year and I didn't even want to go then.  Like you I also remember what my mother looked like in the end.  Unlike your father my mother gained weight because of the medication she was on, so I remember the chubby face she got and the glazed over eyes.  I try not to remember her like that but how she was before but it's hard because I was with her everyday until the end.  What hurts the most was that she passed when I wasn't there so I wasn't able to say good-bye, I wished she could have waited one more hour for me to get there.  I miss my mom dearly, she was my mother and father for all of my life.  I know feel like im on my own in the world, I have other family members but it's not the same.  When my mother passed I made an instant decision not to have any children because she always wanted me to give her a grandchild and now there isn't a reason to have one anymore.  I know this pain will never go away but I hope it gets better. 

ODETTA