Overwhelmed

Hi,
My name is Marie, I'm 22 years old and my mother has brest met to bone. I was 11 when she was first diagnosed with primary stage brest cancer. She did six months of chemo and went on tomoxofen. They told us she was cured five years later.... they were wrong. November of 2003 she was rediagnosed when my father, a radiologist, convonced her to get an MRI for ongoing back pain, they thought she sliped a disk. The mRI showed tumors in her spine and the subsiquent path report told us it was the same d*nm cancer fron before. My mother is in consnant pain.. she's done chemo and raiation and is back on chemo now to shrink the tumors enough to get some pain relife. We've been told time and again that it's terminal and all the treaments are to reduce her pain so she can get some quality. She's on more drugs and pain killers and the side effect all interact. Without them she can't even speak through the pain but with them she recently still doen't feel well enough to really get out of bed. I can't handle it. I can't. I feel like crap becuase I find myself thinking that it'll be better, easier, when she dies. It tears me up inside that she's in so much pain and I would do almost anything to just ease it for her, and there is nothing I can do. I have three younger siblings and mom, though tired of fighting, won't stop treatments for fear that her the boys (the two youngest, 17 and 14) will feel like she abandoned them and gave up. I pray, I hope, I try and thankfull for everyday, But how can I be thankfull for a day filled with pain and the fear of the inevitable? I don't know how to handle any of this anymore... and I still have to live my life, right? I'm filling out grad school applictaions and taking a summer class, my life can't stop becuase of her cancer, but I don't know how to ntegrate it all anymore. maybe this should have gone on to the a suport page... I'm sorry for running so long, I just needed to try and get some of this out, to people who might understand.
thanks.

I know people have proably told you how sorry they are and it will be ok. However it's not usally people that are actully having to put their life on hold to take care of someone they love.I can't count the times I actully wanted to bounce my carkeys of someones head b/c they told me how sorry they were that my grandmother was dying and that I had to take care of her.And if I needed something just call however, when you do call they tend to be pretty booked up for the next week.I don't think the doctors really have it all together either.Nothing our doctor has said has even happened and putting her in chemo nearly killed her.My point is your not alone. I cry all the time from pure flustration of asking why is this happening. And I haven't figured that out yet but I do know that this will pass.And I will move on.As will you.Until then just take value of the good days and enjoy them the best you can.Also go ahead and take you time to say how much you love her b/c with cancer you never know whats up around the corner.

I too am a caregiver. My husbands pain also started with back aches that were diagnosed as inflamed discs. You can imagine our surprise when, after further ordered tests, they decided it was a high grade, aggressive stage 4 LEIOMYOSARCOMA. Just like your momma, I medicate for his pain and symptoms but with each medicine comes the price of side effects. Sometimes he hallucinates, other times it's a painful, agitated, restless sleep. There is nothing to make them feel semi-whole or normal. I feel guilty relief if he can just sleep soundly sometimes because at least he appears to be escaping the pain and reality. The suffering this disease inflicts is just unbearable. So unbearable in fact that "some" family and friends alienate themselves because it's too difficult to face. I, like you, are not afforded the luxury of burying our heads in the sand. It's an ugly reality that we face every waking moment. I am 40, my husband 46, altho our life was stable we still had alot of plans and living yet to do, all of that goes on hold when cancer comes to visit. Unlike your family, we had no prior cancer experiences in either family. Our diagnosis just came on 5/25/05 so I am only relaying my experiences of 2 short months. I cannot imagine the agony of dealing with this monster for years? On one hand I hope that the 3-6 months he was given will last for years longer and other days the pain he's enduring makes me pray for GOD to just make it STOP! I don't know that I have any words of wisdom for you. I merely wanted you to know that you aren't alone. I suspect many people affected with this disease share alot of the same emotions. Guilt can be one of many. The remark about bouncing her carkeys off of someones head really did make me LOL. It reminded me of a thought for the day that a girlfriend sent me yesterday, I'll close with it because sometimes that's all the relief we have is just one silly moment that may pull out a lost and forgotten smile.

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES,
not much good for anything
But still fun to push down a flight of stairs once in awhile.

I hope that brought a seconds worth of laughter, NOW BACK TO OUR MISERABLE EXISTENCE, huh?

Contrary to your last reply, it is not a "miserable exisitance." Being a caregiver for a loved one with cancer or any terminal illness is a gift. It's often difficult to stand by while your patient is in pain and suffering, but the time you have together is precious. Don't waste a minute feeling sorrow. The key is to realize that the time you have together is time to share, memories, stories, music whatever you like to do together. My husband died in March, 05 after only 8 months, NSCLC. I miss him everyday. But what I know is that the last eight months of our lives were very special. Loving him and knowing that he loved me and that the 40 years we had together were the best years for both of us didn't make the goodbye any less difficult, but we all face this one way or another. The key is to be grateful for the time you have, tell eachother every day how much you love and to share and share as much as you can. And,you WILL always have your loved one with you, believe me, they hang around to make sure you are ok. And you will be! Rosalie R.

Dear Rosalie; Hi, My name is Fran M., I read your message about your husband's suffering and death. I'm sorry, as I can identify with you completely, because my husband just recently passed away on May l4,2005. It's so hard, because we were married for over 30 years. He had lung cancer for over 2 and 1/2 years. The doctor's kept telling us he was getting better and the tumor was shrinking, not true! Please let me know how are you doing and write back often.

Hi,
I can relate a lot to your post and felt a need to reach out and tell you that. My mother has stomach cancer and is also terminal and in lots of pain and it's extraordinarily hard to deal with. I also know what you mean about your life stopping becasue of cancer. I just graduated from College and I got accepted into 2 grad schools both my first choice and I wouldn't be able to decide which one I would want to attend, but now I don't have to since I'm not going. Both the schools are in Ireland and I live in the US so I applied to a school close to home. It just makes me feel like it's not enough for life to slap you in the face, then it has to rub your nose into it.
I also agree with you and the other posters that people who are not dealing and have not dealt with cancer can't begin to know how you feel. I know that they can't so anything besides tell me how sorry they are but I'm just sick of hearing it. I am distant from my b/f even since he can't see where I'm coming from. It's frustrating. Sudenly I live in a new universe from the friends I was so close with and could relate to everything. Thank god for the internet and forums like this. I also really like the one on Cancercare.org. You should check it out.

I want to send you my sympathies and also strenghts to make it through this difficult time.

Yes, I know how you feel I am the care giver for my mom and just recently returned to school it was a hard decision but that was one thing mom said I am doing pretty good now so you go ahead and get back into school. I work fulll time, have 3 kids and one adult daughter in college, so my plate is very full. I just have to make sure mom is taken care of and that she is comfortable living with me which I know she is. We decided that she was going to live whith me when she was diagnosed in May with Stage VI Lung Cancer and I didn't want her to be alone.

I surely agree that a life style change this has been for myself and my kids but i have to make the best of it for my mother. It is hard my older sister lives in FL but was here for 3 months when all this was going on with my mom and I have 2 brothers, but that is my problem. They never seem to take the time out and come and sit with my mom she will be fine alone but with this cancer she has bery bad coughing attacks and I hate to leave her alone especially at night. I know I have to over come this anger but it really upsets me but one thing I know I will give my best to make everything right for my mother.

I could go on and on but I dont' need to do that right now, i just pray and pray that the Lord put his hands over me and gives me the strengths to be a good parent, caregive and bread winner I can be. Every night when I go to bed I just feel how blessed I am to have my mom one more day that is how i live is day by day and enjoy the time i have with my mom.

Thanks....

kathy

My husband has fought cancer for four years. He is now improving on glyco-nutrients. A friend of mine told me about how science has made an amazing discovery about how the Human Body Heals itself. I am glad I found them. We are both taking them and it is making a difference. You can learn about them at glycoscience.com and also at glycoresource.com

glycoresource.com is many peoples stories posted and you can listen in their own words.

Hi, My name is Leah I am 30 years old have a husband and 2 kids (4&7) and My mom who is 54 just was diagnosed with stage 4 met. breast cancer to the liver. My husband is building our new house, I am moving on the 30th..and I feel like I am going to break, literally!! I want to be with her 24/7..I love her so much. The other frustration for me is her DOCTOR...HE MISSED this whole thing!!! My mom went in for her yearly's, got her mamograms and had asked her doc. about this hurting bump on her left breast (this was 5 years ago) keep in mind that her paternal grandmother died from breast cancer, her sister had it as well as her cousin and her aunt. He sent her in for a mamogram, it came back fine, then 6 months ago she was having some heartburn stuff (she is VERY HEALTHY) she went in to show him that she had an actual BUMP in between her ribcage and he told her that it was a pulled mucsle and sent her home with a muscle relaxant...Well the bump never went away she went back, he FINALLY told her to get a biopsy...and BAMMMM It was liver cancer...from her breast cancer that she never knew that she had....3 weeks ago she was diagnosed....aarrrggghhhhh!!!!! They are doing chemo every 3 weeks, and they have given her no more than 5 years...sorry I am going offff!!! You know through all of this We all have to remember that the Lord has a plan for all of our lives, and even though all of this is hard, he is here for us huh?? I am excited to find this site...I need it..Thanks

sorry to hear about your mother.my mother has liver cancer that spread there from her colon.she is in a lot of pain all the time .and my boyfriend was just diognosed with brain cancer.i went through the same fillings with my mom.not that i wanted her to die.i just couldnt stand to see her in so much pain.my kids lost there father to cancer when they were real young.he suffered a grate deal.but when i told him to give his soul to god and go on.that i'd be ok.it didnt take him long to pass away after that.i know hes in a better place were he dont hurt any more.if your mom is holding on due to guilt.it sounds like your kids are old enough to let her know they love her very much but its ok to let go..i hope that will help you a little.my prayrs are with you.keep in touch.