Books For Children

Its been a while since I posted, but my Dad is still doing OK. 9 months since diagnosis and 6 months since stopping treatments.

We just used a Hospice respite for him to stay at the rehab nursing home for a week while his live in  home health care provider was on vacation.  The break was definatly good for my mom.

 One question I have had is does anyone know of any age appropriate books on the death of a grandparent for a 4 year old.  My boy loves his Papa, and although I hope and pray for the best I want to be able to prepare him for the worst.

 Any advice, thoughts, etc on how any of you are handling young children during this time would be appreciated.

Grandparents with CancerPeer Review Status: Internally Reviewed by the Cancer Information Service
First Published: 2003
Last Reviewed: June 2006

Parents may struggle whether to tell their child about a grandparent’s cancer. Some reasons to share this information with children are: Children as young as 4 and 5 will pick up on the tension in the home. Experts say that children who suspect parents of concealing something often imagine that the problem is even worse than it is, because it is "too awful to be talked about." Keeping the truth from children may make them feel isolated. Honesty helps children establish and maintain a bond of trust. The truth, even when it is painful, really is vital. If a child learns of a parent’s deception, they may have a problem being comforted later by words/actions wondering if the parent is telling the truth. When a grandparent is diagnosed with cancer, it is going to impact on many people, not the least of which will be the grandchildren. A grandchild’s reaction is going to depend on several factors: Age of the child Relationship with grandparent--frequency of contact with grandparent Severity of grandparent’s disease--if they will get better How comfortable the child’s parent is with discussing the grandparent’s illness Child’s previous experience with an ill person or cancer The child’s parent(s) will need to help the child develop a realistic understanding of their grandparent’s illness. The child will draw from their past experience with illness. Children are good observers, but poor at interpretation. For example, a friend’s grandfather may have gone to the hospital and died, so the child might think their grandparent will die too, just because they are in the hospital. One of the first things the child will think about is how this will affect their life. If the grandparent lives in the same home, for instance, the impact will be very intense. If the grandparent lives a long distance away, the effect will be much less. Children take their cues from their parents. There is nothing wrong with showing children your emotions about your parent’s illness. If you never show a child your feelings, chances are they will not show theirs either. Covering up strong emotions may not always be a good idea. A child may become frightened of his/her own strong feelings, instead of accepting them as OK, because "Mom/Dad did/felt the same thing." Age Differences   Age 3-5 This age child feels they have magical powers and what they wish will come true. They may blame themselves that a grandparent is ill because they had bad thoughts about that grandparent. They need to know that nothing they have done caused the illness. Children in this age group do not understand the concept of death.   6-11 years Children in this age group can become overly concerned about the health of the people they care about. Be aware, so as not to worry them with details. They may have changes in eating, sleeping school work and friendships. They may regress slightly in behavior, such as thumb sucking, or desire to be rocked.   Teens Teenagers may have an especially hard time because their own emotional balance may be on a roller coaster. Points to stress: Having cancer does not necessarily mean your grandparent will die from it. You cannot catch cancer from your grandparent. You did not cause this cancer. Nothing you did or did not do caused your grandparent to get cancer. Just because your grandparent has cancer, does not mean you or your parents will get cancer. The way you behave cannot change the fact that your grandparent has cancer and that your parents are upset. It is good that you continue with school, sports and your other outside activities. Points for a grandparent to consider: Plan outings that will be memorable for you and your grandchild. Those memories will be cherished into adulthood. Take lots of pictures that have you and your grandchild together. Complete a memory book of your life for your grandchildren. These books can be purchased at bookstores. Points for a parent to consider: Prepare your child by explaining how their grandparent may act, such as tired, tense, grouchy or preoccupied. Approach the grandparent’s cancer as needing a team approach. Enlist each child’s help, utilizing his/her particular abilities or gifts. Encourage the child to assist their grandparent by helping prepare food, walking the dog, or mowing the lawn. When the news is really hard... Even when a grandparent’s prognosis is really poor, it is still important to speak truthfully. If a child asks if their grandparent is dying, you can answer that, "They aren’t dying right now. Many people with this kind of cancer die, but some people get better. The doctors are doing everything possible to help your grandparent to get better." You may want to explain the medical treatment that is being given and how the treatment will make the grandparent better. Medical terms and ways to explain them:   Cancer A word used for more than 100 diseases where cells grow out of control. When cells grow out of control, healthy cells get crowded and die. These uncontrolled cells can spread to other parts of the body.   Chemotherapy Cancer treatment that destroys cancer cells by using special medicines.   Radiation therapy Cancer treatment that uses high-energy waves that destroy cancer cells.   Side effects Problems that come up because of the cancer treatment being given. Common side effects are hair loss, tiredness, being sick to the stomach. Not everybody has side effects.   Surgery An operation that removes the cancer.   Biopsy A small operation to remove a group of cells to be examined under the microscope to see if there are cancer cells. Community Resources for Coping School counselor If Hospice is involved, the Hospice social worker Check your area for support groups for children affected by cancer Clergy

Lorre

Excellent advice and information.  Even when I became an adult, my parents felt like they needed to keep medical information from me because I was the youngest.  Instead of making me feel protected, just the opposite happened.  I would imagine the worst.  And then I would end up angry, especially when I found out something was minor.  It is always best, in my opinion, to be honest.

As a teacher of elementary students, I also know the old adage of "little pitcher with big ears" is definitely true.  Students will talk about things at school that happen at home.  Often, the children are much more aware of what is going on than the parents know.  Usually it is a case of naive parents, not children.  It is also true that children often worry about things, and this is compounded when they do not have accurate facts.  Children pick up when parents are "hiding" things, and then are reluctant to ask questions because they have already picked up on the fact that their parents do not want to talk about it with them.

Jackiekay

Here are a few titles for young children. 

Tear Soup by Pat Schweibert 

Mending Peter's Heart by Maureen Witbold

The Tenth Good Thing About Barney by Judith Voirst 

Liplap's Wish by Jonathan London 

It's so true about young children.  A few years ago we had a patient who was seriously ill with a brain tumor and didn't want her children to know at all.  They, unfortunately, heard at school from children of family friends who actually told them their mother was dying.  It was tragic.  I had encouraged her for a long time to talk with her children.  First of all so they wouldn't hear it somewhere else and second to have a chance to tell them all the truth and to say her goodbyes.  She chose not to do that and died without saying goodbye.  It has been a difficult journey for these young children.  Kids can be stronger than we know, if given the chance. 

I have to say that my 5 year old son has been the only person who is helping me through my dad's diagnosis and very poor prognosis.

We have been honest with him from the very start of this whole thing so he knows exactly what is going on with his Gramps. He knows that mommy is going to get sad sometimes and he just hugs me. He doesn't ask questions, he doesn't want to talk, he just hugs me.

There are times when he gets sad and asks questions and we asnwer them all honestly in a language he understands. We let him ask and tell him that there are no dumb questions.

He is doing really well with everything, and he is my rock. I couldn't do this without him and if we tried to keep everything a secret from him he wouldn't be helping me the way he is!

HI,

I am sorry to hear about your father.  I had the same questions as you do when my father became very sick it the end of his life with lung cancer in March of "07". I brought the kids to the hospital every day and the kids saw my Dad sick and new something was wrong.  I spoke with our Minister, he told me that the children feed off of your feelings and to be honest with them (as much as you can when they are that young).  I was so worried after my Dad died and my kids saw him in the casket, that they would really have a hard time seeing Grandpa.  But I listened to my minister and the kids were fine, they asked questions about Grandpa laying there any why he was not moving anymore and so on.  My children were 2 & 3 and close with Grandpa.  We told them that Grandpa went to live with Jesus and that he now lives in their heart and that Grandpa's love will always be there for them.  They also know that Grandpa's body is buried in the ground and we go and visit often and they are fine with it.

 

 

On 7/18/2008 Amy j wrote: ...We told them that Grandpa went to live with Jesus and that he now lives in their heart and that Grandpa's love will always be there for them.  They also know that Grandpa's body is buried in the ground and we go and visit often and they are fine with it.

What do you say when the child has been raised with no particular religion? I am concerned about my grandniece, who lives with her mother (my niece) and my brother, her grandfather, who has lung cancer with brain mets.

She's eight now, and I've been telling her that most people say that the body turns into a skeleton and then to dust, but the spirit part might be a ghost or it might go to God and be an angel, but that we don't really know, and that's why we get scared.

But it's hard to draw her out about what's really bothering her when she starts to act out...

My son is being raised in an atheist family, neither my husband or myself believe in God. I can understand how having a heaven and a God can make things easier to deal with but should not be pushed upon a child who does not understand that concept either.

My son knows exactly what happens to the body and that the person (his Gramps) is not around anymore. He knows he will be buried in the ground and turn into a skeleton but that his Gramps will always live on in his heart and memories.

Help the child understand that this is a natural part of life (nobody makes it out of here alive) and unfortunately the people we love will die. Reassure her that the other members of her family are well and are not going anywhere anytime soon and make sure she has plenty of time with her grandparent to create those memories. Take lots of pictures to help her remember.

 

Good luck

Suzy

"Reassure her that the other members of her family are well and are not going anywhere anytime soon..."

Yeah, but we aren't well. My mother, her great-grandmother, is 84 and has lost a lobe to lung cancer. Her maternal grandmother is on the waiting list for a lung transplant. Two cousins committed suicide. Between mental and physical illness, any of us could go at any time.

Oh, and I walked out of the Deutsche Bank building on 9/11.

My grandniece and I have a deal: whichever of us dies first, the other one will take care of her dolls.