My Wife Has Left Us After A 5 Year Battle

Not sure why I’m writing, my wife was diagnosed with colon cancer with mets to the liver in 2002.

In oct of 2007 she had a brain seizure from a tumor and did not wake up  until 3 days later,, I  learned that this was common because chemo has no effect on the brain so cancer to the brain wasn’t uncommon,

The doctors pushed for surgery because they said it would only get worse, life span was short, and her last cats showed improvements in the liver, {sorry she had surgery awhile back where they removed the colon tumor.}

 So surgery was the thing to do, radiation was a possibility but surgery would still have to be done to remove the tumor. Well she had the surgery and lasted 2-3 weeks before she started slipping away on us, we went on hospice, hospice is great but I personally think they need to reevaluate  the way they do things, because of some problems with breathing and panic attaches, they moved my wife to the hospice center for care. The day we brought her in the nurse told me I should contact the family because she could tell this would be her last day, well my wife lived for 3 weeks, they where calling her the miracle girl, but not a big enough of a miracle to do anything about it, all I heard from the staff and doctors is they have no idea what’s keeping her going, my reply was, well maybe you guys are wrong and it’s not my wife’s time, I think when a doctor is questioned you insult them, because they did nothing to find out for sure if the cancer was the cause or maybe it was something else, but every time I suggested maybe take her off hospice and admit her as a reg patient, that was the wrong thing to do, she would not get the care that she has now, and why do you want to put your wife through more pain and suffering by having test done that is only going to tell you what we know now, so stupid me listened, on Jan 7 2008 my wife died, a 38 year relationship gone., 6 yrs of dating, 32 yrs of the best time of my life, I don’t know what’s harder, the fact that she’s gone, or that I feel I could have saved her if I didn’t go along with the doctors. I still don’t understand why, if someone is showing progress, out lived her original diagnoses of 6 months, is not here anymore. I also don’t know if her oncologist should be held responsible for her death, because he new a brain tumor was possible and never checked my wife for any tumor growth in the brain. Hospice did set me up with counseling but that’s hopeless for me, the therapist can’t help me because I don’t want to help my self, and that totally confuses me. Like I said, I don’t know why I wrote all this, maybe I’m looking for some kind of answers on what went wrong, something to help me deal with this, all I do know is I don’t want to die, but I really don’t feel like living anymore. I guess I should stop here; I could go on for ever.

Tommy

Hi Tommy,

You say you don't know why you're writing... I believe I do... you're sad, frustrated, lonely, angry, feeling helpless, and wanting to reach out to see if any others can offer any hope (sorry if I misread any of that, but that's what I felt you were saying inbetween the lines).  This has been a horrible situation for you- devastating and life changing.  But, YOU WILL GO ON.  I can understand how you just said to yourself, "but I don't want to".  Even if you're angry at God right now (I don't know that you are- you didn't say that- but I know that's certainly not uncommon for people to feel that way when something like this has happened)- anyhow, as hard as it is, I want to urge you to reach out in prayer to God, our Creator- the one who gives life and takes away life.  As much as we can't often understand how or why something is allowed to happen when we feel that God could have stopped it from happening, we just have to trust that He has a plan for all of our lives.  Our human minds are just not capable of understanding it all.  Someday, after we're in our eternal homes, we'll understand it all.  Reach out to Him- He loves you and wants to take care of you in your time of despair.  Believe- and He will pull you up out of it all.  God never promised us that, even if we believe, that life would be easy for us, but He DID say that He would never leave us.  Whether you realize it or not- The Lord Jesus is there for you- invite Him into your heart and life.  What do you have to lose???  Pray for His Holy Spirit to reveal himself to you.  I believe that you're crying out for help.  I want to encourage you that time does heal, although you probably aren't able to fathom that yet, at this point.  But, I also want to encourage you to ponder that there's more to us than just our lives here on Earth.  As wonderful sometimes and as difficult sometimes as life here on Earth can be, I would have a very hard time getting through it all without a faith and belief in the Lord Jesus as my Comforter and Friend.  I hope that doesn't sound strange to you- I know it would to many who are not believers.  Listen to that still, small voice within you, telling you that your life here still has value- "Cry out to Jesus".

Take care and blessings to you-

Lisa

 

On 7/18/2008 thomas c. wrote:

Not sure why I’m writing, my wife was diagnosed with colon cancer with mets to the liver in 2002.

In oct of 2007 she had a brain seizure from a tumor and did not wake up  until 3 days later,, I  learned that this was common because chemo has no effect on the brain so cancer to the brain wasn’t uncommon,

The doctors pushed for surgery because they said it would only get worse, life span was short, and her last cats showed improvements in the liver, {sorry she had surgery awhile back where they removed the colon tumor.}

 So surgery was the thing to do, radiation was a possibility but surgery would still have to be done to remove the tumor. Well she had the surgery and lasted 2-3 weeks before she started slipping away on us, we went on hospice, hospice is great but I personally think they need to reevaluate  the way they do things, because of some problems with breathing and panic attaches, they moved my wife to the hospice center for care. The day we brought her in the nurse told me I should contact the family because she could tell this would be her last day, well my wife lived for 3 weeks, they where calling her the miracle girl, but not a big enough of a miracle to do anything about it, all I heard from the staff and doctors is they have no idea what’s keeping her going, my reply was, well maybe you guys are wrong and it’s not my wife’s time, I think when a doctor is questioned you insult them, because they did nothing to find out for sure if the cancer was the cause or maybe it was something else, but every time I suggested maybe take her off hospice and admit her as a reg patient, that was the wrong thing to do, she would not get the care that she has now, and why do you want to put your wife through more pain and suffering by having test done that is only going to tell you what we know now, so stupid me listened, on Jan 7 2008 my wife died, a 38 year relationship gone., 6 yrs of dating, 32 yrs of the best time of my life, I don’t know what’s harder, the fact that she’s gone, or that I feel I could have saved her if I didn’t go along with the doctors. I still don’t understand why, if someone is showing progress, out lived her original diagnoses of 6 months, is not here anymore. I also don’t know if her oncologist should be held responsible for her death, because he new a brain tumor was possible and never checked my wife for any tumor growth in the brain. Hospice did set me up with counseling but that’s hopeless for me, the therapist can’t help me because I don’t want to help my self, and that totally confuses me. Like I said, I don’t know why I wrote all this, maybe I’m looking for some kind of answers on what went wrong, something to help me deal with this, all I do know is I don’t want to die, but I really don’t feel like living anymore. I guess I should stop here; I could go on for ever.

Tommy

First let me say how sorry I am to hear about your wife's death. You were both obviously very much in love and cared deeply about each other.You had thirty eight years together and were very happy, and that is wonderful, a real gift. Your wife I think,  would want you  to think about those precious times now and would want them to be a pillar of strength.

 You did everything you could to help her so please don't blame yourself for anything that happened. I know how difficult it is to communicate with doctors sometimes and how hard it is to get them to listen. I was a nurse and worked with doctors for years and yet when I am ill I find I am sometimes knocking my head against a brick wall to get myself heard.  You did the very best you could at the time. All of us look back and wish we had done something differently in these situations,  that is only human. But please don't be hard on yourself about this. You need space and time to grieve for your beautiful wife. She would not want you to blame yourself for any of this. 

Don't be afraid to reach out to people for support, we all need that in times of grief and loss. . I am so glad you took the time to share this with us and please keep us posted on how you are.

 I wish you all the very best,

Hadassah

I empathize with you. Your loss is huge. Your message gives me hope though that, I too, can survive 5 years. I was diagnosed with inoperable Stage IV colon cancer with multiple metastases to the liver in May 2007 at the age of 52. I was told I had 3-6 months to live without chemo, 2-3 years with chemo. I've been having chemo treatments since last August. Thank you for giving me hope that I can live longer than what I was told.  

 

Tommy - My mother's situation was very similar.  That was 2 years ago and I still blame myself for not doing enough to help her.  Looking back I see all the mistakes and negligence by the doctors----and how I didn't make some of the best choices for her (not knowing it at the time).  I think back on how I could have maybe saved her or given her a few more years so she could see her grandchildren who came shortly after she died and to be here for me because I miss her so much.   We did the best we could under unbelievable circumstances, Tommy. Looking back, it was like a fog and it all made sense at the time to trust the doctors.  Your wife and my mother knew we loved them.  We have to hang on to that
and know that if it had been us who were sick, they would have done the
same thing and we wouldn't blame them for their decisions.  They would want us to not blame ourselves.  We will see them someday and we have to live for that.  God bless.  Tara

 

On 7/18/2008 Sagitelle wrote:

I empathize with you. Your loss is huge. Your message gives me hope though that, I too, can survive 5 years. I was diagnosed with inoperable Stage IV colon cancer with multiple metastases to the liver in May 2007 at the age of 52. I was told I had 3-6 months to live without chemo, 2-3 years with chemo. I've been having chemo treatments since last August. Thank you for giving me hope that I can live longer than what I was told.  

 

Hi - I hope you are doing well. My wife was diagnosed with Stage IV colon cancer with liver mets. What chemo combo are you on? Are you doing ok? Also, if I may ask, where are you being treated?

Thanks! Alan

Hi Tommy,  I understand a little, maybe, how you are feeling.  My son who was only 40 years old left us this past May from this horrible disease.  I honestly thought when we entered the hospital this last time, that no one wanted to continue to try to treat him -- even though he was not anywhere near ready to give up and his admittance to the hospital was rather unexpected.   I had the feeling that he was being judged as to whether his life was worth another surgery or more treatment.  No one should decide that for another person.  I have welcomed the Holy Spirit into my life and believe that God and Jesus are here for us as someone suggested above.  However, like you, if I should pass on tomorrow, so be it.  If the promised world is so much better, I look forward to seeing my son again.  Having said that, we must be "okay" while we are here on this earth because that is what our loved ones would want.  All my best to you, God bless, and I am so sorry that you, your wife, and your family have had to deal with this disease.

 

 

 

 

On 7/18/2008 redant wrote:

 

On 7/18/2008 Sagitelle wrote:

I empathize with you. Your loss is huge. Your message gives me hope though that, I too, can survive 5 years. I was diagnosed with inoperable Stage IV colon cancer with multiple metastases to the liver in May 2007 at the age of 52. I was told I had 3-6 months to live without chemo, 2-3 years with chemo. I've been having chemo treatments since last August. Thank you for giving me hope that I can live longer than what I was told.  

 

Hi - I hope you are doing well. My wife was diagnosed with Stage IV colon cancer with liver mets. What chemo combo are you on? Are you doing ok? Also, if I may ask, where are you being treated?

Thanks! Alan

I am doing well. I have at least a dozen tumours on my liver. After a few months of chemo, there was quite a reduction in the size of my tumours and my abdomen, which was huge, had regressed to its normal size.

At first I received Irinotecan (Camposar) with 5 fu every 2 weeks. I kept the 5fu bottle from the Wednesday to the Friday. After a few months, Avastin was added to my chemo treatment. Again, every 2 weeks.

After 8 months of having the 5fu bottle every 2 weeks, though, I couldn't take it anymore. I was depressed and would stay in bed all day when I had the bottle. So I asked the oncologist if I could switch to chemo pills and he agreed. I began to take Xeloda in May. I take 3 pills twice a day for 2 weeks, then I get a week off. Also, instead of having to go to the hospital every 2 weeks for the intraveinous  treatment, I now go every 3 weeks. This has greatly improved my quality of life. I don't feel depressed anymore. Plus Xeloda does not give me a swollen tongue and multiple ulcers on my tongue like the 5fu did. My mouth gets a little sensitive, and I may get a small ulcer, but it's nothing like the pain I had to deal with when I had 5fu. The biggest side effect I get with Xeloda is the hand and foot syndrome, but I still prefer that to the terrible tongue ulcers I used to have almost constantly with 5 fu.

I am being treated in Gatineau, Quebec, Canada.

How about your  wife? What is her treatment? How is she coping? Where is she being treated? I certainly wish her all the best. I assume that, like me, she had no symptons until her cancer was advanced?

Thanks for caring.

 Jocelyne    

 

well my brother in law sounded the same as you when his wife ( my twin died) Aug 2007 ...he has moments still but it is getting better.

We all felt the doctors gace up too soon. But after many many hours of research we see, they were right. Brain cancer can be very fast, and my twin sais to me last we talked to NEVER do that surgery if I got brain cancer .. to just go on... She meant it so strongly! She had three brain sugeries in 7 months and staph adn spinal menigitis. It was not "life hours" she flet was worth it even for us to have her longer. If she had it to do over again, she said she woudl just go!

 I wanted to go be with her , of course, but it is not my time yet. Nor yours. We show them love when we trasure every day the best we can. They may be watching and so not want us to waste it or to be too sad.

 Trust in a higher being. And know He feels all of our pain and can ease our burdens.

None of this made much difference to me when people tried to comfort me. But I thnk they meant well. As I do. I had my tiwn every day for 45 years.

God Bless -so sorry for yoru heavy heart and sad burden.

It always gives me a twinge when someone says a loved one "left" them; it sounds like they ran away from home. When my father was dying, he looked like he was struggling; in my head I was yelling at him "It's okay! LET GO!!" I was relieved when he died that evening, like he heard me. And I never think I "lost" him. I know exactly what happened to him, and while I'm not terribly religious myself, he was. When people who hadn't seen me in a while asked how my father was, I couldn't resist replying, "Oh, he's fine! He died..."

His last words, to my mother, were: "Well, I guess I'll see you, Hazel."

It's going to be tougher with my baby brother, but I've come to think of it as like driving him to the airport. Some of us are already there, and the rest of us will be along later.