How To Deal With My Mom's Cancer

This is the first time I ever write about this.

The reason I discovered the website is when my mother was rushed to the hospital a couple of hours ago to get some pain killers because she was in so much pain.

I sat on her couch and cried so hard, then I talked to friends, then I thought, maybe I can find something online.

My mom was diagnosed with ovarian cancer in May 2006, I was writing my thesis for my undergrad the month she was diagnosed, and she insisted on me studying while she was undergoing an operation and her first round of chemo.

I graduated and was admitted to gradschool with a full scholarship that same month, and my mother insisted that I moved to DC (my mom lives abroad with my family). In sept, my mom told me her CT scan was great and she is done with cancer.

A few months later, in February, she has a relapse. Ever since then she has been trying different kinds of chemo, taking breaks. Now she is on a break because she lost so much weight. My heart has been broken ever since. My mom is my best friend and I never thought one could feel pain like that.

Mom wouldn't let me leave school and come back home, she is insisting on all of us resuming our normal lives. I come here in the summer for three and a half months to be with her, and when I'm in the US I call her every single day. My mother is surrounded by my aunts and her friends who take care of her 24/7.

My mom is very brave, her life was not easy as our single mother and she worked so hard for us to have everything we want. She wants me to go back to my last year of graduate school and write my thesis.

I'm so tired, I'm only here for three months and I feel so consumed. I'm only 24 and I feel so old. I know I'm brave for going back and doing well at school, and I know it makes her so happy. But I'm torn.

I think I'm writing this because I need to communicate with people who are going through this. I have wonderful friends but sometimes they just don't understand and they don't know how to deal with it.

Despite everything, the other day I was sitting on the couch near her, and I put my head on her stomach where the cancer is, and all I could hear were her heartbeats. Nothing beats the heart.

 

On 7/22/2008 Tala84 wrote:

This is the first time I ever write about this.

The reason I discovered the website is when my mother was rushed to the hospital a couple of hours ago to get some pain killers because she was in so much pain.

I sat on her couch and cried so hard, then I talked to friends, then I thought, maybe I can find something online.

My mom was diagnosed with ovarian cancer in May 2006, I was writing my thesis for my undergrad the month she was diagnosed, and she insisted on me studying while she was undergoing an operation and her first round of chemo.

I graduated and was admitted to gradschool with a full scholarship that same month, and my mother insisted that I moved to DC (my mom lives abroad with my family). In sept, my mom told me her CT scan was great and she is done with cancer.

A few months later, in February, she has a relapse. Ever since then she has been trying different kinds of chemo, taking breaks. Now she is on a break because she lost so much weight. My heart has been broken ever since. My mom is my best friend and I never thought one could feel pain like that.

Mom wouldn't let me leave school and come back home, she is insisting on all of us resuming our normal lives. I come here in the summer for three and a half months to be with her, and when I'm in the US I call her every single day. My mother is surrounded by my aunts and her friends who take care of her 24/7.

My mom is very brave, her life was not easy as our single mother and she worked so hard for us to have everything we want. She wants me to go back to my last year of graduate school and write my thesis.

I'm so tired, I'm only here for three months and I feel so consumed. I'm only 24 and I feel so old. I know I'm brave for going back and doing well at school, and I know it makes her so happy. But I'm torn.

I think I'm writing this because I need to communicate with people who are going through this. I have wonderful friends but sometimes they just don't understand and they don't know how to deal with it.

Despite everything, the other day I was sitting on the couch near her, and I put my head on her stomach where the cancer is, and all I could hear were her heartbeats. Nothing beats the heart.

 

Cancer is a really difficult thing to deal with. Everyone reacts differently.

 

You have to ask yourself if you go back to school and your Mom dies, will you ever forgive yourself (even if she insists on you going back)? If you can come to some peace with this, go back to school but know the choice you are making.

If you discontinue school and you Mom survives, would you harbor resentments for the rest of your life?

You can take your Mother's wishes into consideration when you make your decision but the decision is ultimately yours and you are the one that will have to live with yourself and your decision for the rest of your life.

Schools are out there all over the place. You can always go back and finish a degree ( I have three Master's degree's) but you only have one Mother and she will only die once in your life.

 Just remember these things as you make your decision and when you do make your decision, never look back and second guess yourself. Make your decision and move forwardly willingly and with joy--knowing you have made the best decision you can with the information available to you at the time.

 Love to you and yours,

LeAnne

Good luck to you.  My the Angles sing at your mom's side.  My Mom surived cancer a few times  (first at 70). It was like yesterdaysitting in all the Doctor's office. Not knowing and keeping our finger crossed.  Just going on HOPE.  My Mom was my best friend too.  SHe suddenly passed in March.  I life will never be the same.  I have memories of your love.  Cancer beat my Dad 40 years agao.  Cancer has been a part of my life for my whole life. take you mom and hug here.  SChool can always wait.  That decision is up to you. I would do ANY THING to have my Mom back.  I cry every night and so does my brother.  He lives in a Nursing home  because he  suffered a stroke last year.  My Mom went daily.   Just take it one day at a time. I use to plan every day out.  No more.  God bless you.             

its hard dealing with it i know i have breast cancer people tell me im strong they dont see cry im strong around them when i all alone at home i pray and talk to god he my strength   i live today like their no tomarrow i took life for granted thinking my parent are going to be around forever i know their they are not but its going to be hard for me when they go see god it will be hard but god will be there for me as he for me as i go through my cancer iv lost my hair  i just put my trust in god and live like there no tomarrow i dont take life for granted i  love my kids and grandkids i enjoy them like i will not see them again and enjoy them evryday i thank god for living and for loving my family and friend  just enjoy life until my time come when i will be with god we dont know when we are going to die live life like there no tomarrow you have good memory about your mom cherish those memorys i pray that god will help you during these time god bless you and keep you strong through these time carolyn

 

On 7/22/2008 Tala84 wrote:

This is the first time I ever write about this.

The reason I discovered the website is when my mother was rushed to the hospital a couple of hours ago to get some pain killers because she was in so much pain.

I sat on her couch and cried so hard, then I talked to friends, then I thought, maybe I can find something online.

My mom was diagnosed with ovarian cancer in May 2006, I was writing my thesis for my undergrad the month she was diagnosed, and she insisted on me studying while she was undergoing an operation and her first round of chemo.

I graduated and was admitted to gradschool with a full scholarship that same month, and my mother insisted that I moved to DC (my mom lives abroad with my family). In sept, my mom told me her CT scan was great and she is done with cancer.

A few months later, in February, she has a relapse. Ever since then she has been trying different kinds of chemo, taking breaks. Now she is on a break because she lost so much weight. My heart has been broken ever since. My mom is my best friend and I never thought one could feel pain like that.

Mom wouldn't let me leave school and come back home, she is insisting on all of us resuming our normal lives. I come here in the summer for three and a half months to be with her, and when I'm in the US I call her every single day. My mother is surrounded by my aunts and her friends who take care of her 24/7.

My mom is very brave, her life was not easy as our single mother and she worked so hard for us to have everything we want. She wants me to go back to my last year of graduate school and write my thesis.

I'm so tired, I'm only here for three months and I feel so consumed. I'm only 24 and I feel so old. I know I'm brave for going back and doing well at school, and I know it makes her so happy. But I'm torn.

I think I'm writing this because I need to communicate with people who are going through this. I have wonderful friends but sometimes they just don't understand and they don't know how to deal with it.

Despite everything, the other day I was sitting on the couch near her, and I put my head on her stomach where the cancer is, and all I could hear were her heartbeats. Nothing beats the heart.

 

Dear Tala84,

By and large, pain is a very late symptom of cancer.  That your mother is now having so much pain is not in and of itself proof that her travail will soon be ending, but were it my mother, I certainly would now be sitting up and paying very close attention, as it sounds you are doing.

If she is having this much pain, she most likely is having difficulty managing other things in her life, and could use some help with daily living.  Does she have that help without you being there?   If not, can you get her that kind of help, without you being there?  If the answer to those questions is "No," then this needs to be part of your consideration as whether to stay in grad school, or sit out to be with your mom.

Have you talked with your mom's dr(s) - personally? - so that you can have a better idea of what to expect in coming months?  If not, I would recommend doing so.  You may have to get you mom's permission for this, and possibly she might say it's not necessary, but it sounds like things have reached the point where it's a discussion you should have with her. 

Many, many people do not want their diagnosis of cancer to interfere with their adult childrens' lives.  While that is admirable, it is often not realistic in the long run.  Unless they've been through it with another, people may not realize just how very debilitating cancer can be, especially if for one reason treatment does not work and it approaches end-stage. It took a lot of love and caring for your mom to tell you to continue on with school and not worry about her, but there comes a time when that love and caring will be trumped by her need.  It will take a lot of love and caring for you to go against her wishes by not returning to D.C., but it may be that her wishes will be trumped by your need to stay, if that is what you decide to do.

Contact your school, probably the Registrar's Office or the Dean of Students, unless there is a specific department that handles your scholarship.  Explain the situation to them, and ask if it would be possible to place your scholarship funds on hold, so that you could stay with your mom, at least for a while, to help do the things that need to be done, and make sure that she has the things she needs (better pain management, attention to her nutrition, palliative therapy - stuff like that.)  If with your help things resolve so that she can cope better, perhaps you could return to your studies a couple of weeks or a month late, or perhaps at the start of the next term.  If you need to be away longer than that, inquire about either postponing returning for another year or however long it takes, or see if they have any means for you to participate in distance learning.  Ask if they have a sister school abroad - within reasonable travel distance of your mom's home - perhaps they would consider transfer of your scholarship funds to the sister school so that you could continue to study, and ultimately transfer those credits to your school in D.C. to be applied to your degree.  Even if you had to live some distance away and could only see your mom on weekends, it still would be better than being all the way across the big pond and not able to be there at all.

Ultimately, you need to do what is best for YOU - what your heart tells you to do, because you are the one who is going to have to live with the decision.  If that means to stay so you can be with her, and help her, then stay.  If she doesn't like that, tell her (kindly and gently) that you're grown up now, and you have to follow your heart.  If your heart tells you to go back to school, then go.  I would however, only go back to D.C. having established an understanding that you expect to be kept very well informed of your mom's condition on a frequent basis, both for your peace of mind, so that you can offer advise and do what you can to assure she is getting the care she needs, and so that you can return to her as soon as possible if the need arise.  Either way, you are showing her that you love and care for her, and want the very best for her, while at the same time you  assume the responsibility that comes of an adult with an ill parent.

Now a switch of subject:  your mom is sitting out chemo or other treatment because she is so nutritionally depleted.  Perhaps this needs to be addressed more aggresively than the oncologist may be doing.  I do not know in which country she lives, but I do not that there are specialists in alternative treatments world-wide.  By alternatives, I'm not suggesting a different treatment for the cancer, although that certainly is a possibility, but I am suggesting alternatives to whatever she may now be doing to gain weight, boost her immune system, and rehabilitate herself to hopefully be able to resume treatment of her cancer.

You obviously are an intelligent and capable young adult to have won full scholarship in a graduate program, and I would assume you have good internet skills.  See if you can find anyone locally or within commuting distance that speciallizes in cancer nutrition and immune system therapies.  Many, many herbs, nutritional supplements, natural foods that could help your mom, but they need to be chosen wisely to best meet her needs, as she probably doesn't have the energy to eat this, that, and everything else, or to take handful after handful of pills.  A naturopathic oncologist could help, a certified nutritionist, possibly an ayurvedic practitioner or someone skilled in traditional chinese medicine.  Take a good look at the kinds of specialists available in your area, ask around, seek verification of a person's credentials and success.  Ask your mom's dr for referral to a nutritional/immune system specialist if they haven't already given her one.

There are people on Cancer Compass who can help you with suggestions.  It would help if we knew where your mom lives, so we have some idea of what may be available to her.  I can make some recommendations myself, if you are unable to find a professional to help you in this regard, but I would hope that you do go the professional route as soon as possible, as you really need to have access to someone who can personally evaluate your mom,  monitor her response to nutritional and immune system treatment, and make changes as necessary.

I wish you, your mom and family the very best.  Please feel free to send me a private message if you have questions.

Sincerely,

Tre

I'm so sorry to hear about your mother.  I am currently watching my mother suffering from ovarian cancer.  She is stage IV and it has metastasized.  She was diagnosed last November after complaining of hip pain.  She has been through chemo and radiation.  She is not doing well.  I actually have to call hospice tomorrow to help manage the pain.  My Mom is my very best friend. I can't believe this is happening to her.  My advice to you ... DROP EVERYTHING -- school will be there ---- or go to school online next to your Mom's side ... you'll regret not spending the time with her.  Your young and you've got time.  My Mother keeps telling me not to come by --- I've become the chef and she tells me not to give up so much to help her and and my stepfather.  But I see a glimmer her in her eye of relief that I'm there.  A Mom needs a daughter's strength rather they will admit it or not.