It Has Been Almost A Year...

Hi there.  It is hard to believe I have been reading this board and at times writing on it too for almost a year now.  I didn't find this website until after I had been through the battle with my mom.  My mom....what an amazing lady!  She raised me on her own and not only taught me well but, became my very best friend.

Her birthday is this weekend and she would have been 55 years old.  I try not to think about last year at this time but, can't help remembering how impossible it was to find the right birthday card.  There isn't one out there for someone with little time left on earth.  I picked one out but, never gave it to her...  My mom took a turn for the worst that day.  5 days later she had passed away.

Cards were pretty big for us I would say and looking back it reminds me of a time when it wasn't so difficult to find the right one.  Years ago we took a visit to a drug store to look for a card for some occasion... I can't remember now which one?  We were also discussing how nice they were to give and receive but, at the same time they were kind of a waste.  I mean you can't keep them all and some are a little pricey??!  Yes, you could recycle them I suppose but, you need extra time to do that so, we decided this one day to each pick out a card at this drug store and give it to one another.  I read the one from her and she read the one from me.   Then after we read them we thanked each other and put them back in their slots and left the store proud that we just saved some money and some space...haha!  We didn't do it all the time but, some times we did and I am glad that I don't have those cards but, rather the memories of "not" buying them now. 

You know they say the first year is the worst for grieving the loss of a special some one and whoever "they" are, they are right.  Along with it I feel as though I carry around an emptiness that was never there before.  I know I need to keep going.  She would want me to live my life as best and as happy as I can but, there are still times when it is hard to.  Someone I know wrote that crying is a way to let the sad out.  I kind of like that way of looking at it. 

Well, with this note tonight I want to let you know that this disease has changed me forever.  I am more aware now of the battles we sometimes have no choice but, to face.  I have learned that there is strength beyond words in all of us and it sometimes takes such a battle for the strength and courage to pour out.

You have all been a great source of support this last year whether you knew or not.  Please know I think of you all and pray for a cure.

Take care 

P.S.  Happy Birthday Mom... all the way to heaven xoxo 

 

Wow!

Being a mom I know how proud your mom is of you. What a wonderful birthday card.

God bless you.

Toni

Bless you for your message.  You and your mom sound very much like my mom and me.  We shopped together all the time, and we too enjoyed giving and receiving cards.  It was kind of a "big deal" between my mom, my dad and I.  My mom went home on July 1st, and now my family and I are still knocking around grief.  It slips up on me in the oddest times!  One minute I'm fine and the next I'm a puddle on the floor.  Maybe that is the "sad leaking out".  Thanks for saying that the first year is the hardest.  I'm looking forward to making it past that hurdle, although I still believe there will be times when no matter how long it has been, it will still hit me.  I have friends whose parents have been gone 10, 15, even 20 years, and they still tear up over certain things.  Maybe that's not such a bad thing - it makes that person so memorable that you don't ever forget them.  (Not that you ever really could.)

I love that you both read the cards in the store and then put them back.  That is hilarious and smart too!!!  

I don't know how you've done it for the past year.  I just recently joined this board when I found out my 29 year old sister was diagnosed with stomach cancer.   She actually is due here at the office (I work for an oncologist) in about an hour and a half for her first visit.  

 I am terrified of losing her.  We haven't been super close (we're 8 years apart) but she's my sister and she is WAY too young to go through this.  Her life hasn't even gotten started.  She was just applying to pharmacy school and now she's had to move back home with my parents.  She lost her boyfriend (he was a jerk but it's still painful for her), her job and now she's lost her friends 2 hours away to move home and deal with this awful disease.   Part of me feels she will be fine and part of me is already imaging the worst and I hate that those thoughts enter into my mind.

Cancer just sucks!

Tracy

 

On 8/13/2008 Keep Smiling... wrote:

Hi there.  It is hard to believe I have been reading this board and at times writing on it too for almost a year now.  I didn't find this website until after I had been through the battle with my mom.  My mom....what an amazing lady!  She raised me on her own and not only taught me well but, became my very best friend.

Her birthday is this weekend and she would have been 55 years old.  I try not to think about last year at this time but, can't help remembering how impossible it was to find the right birthday card.  There isn't one out there for someone with little time left on earth.  I picked one out but, never gave it to her...  My mom took a turn for the worst that day.  5 days later she had passed away.

Cards were pretty big for us I would say and looking back it reminds me of a time when it wasn't so difficult to find the right one.  Years ago we took a visit to a drug store to look for a card for some occasion... I can't remember now which one?  We were also discussing how nice they were to give and receive but, at the same time they were kind of a waste.  I mean you can't keep them all and some are a little pricey??!  Yes, you could recycle them I suppose but, you need extra time to do that so, we decided this one day to each pick out a card at this drug store and give it to one another.  I read the one from her and she read the one from me.   Then after we read them we thanked each other and put them back in their slots and left the store proud that we just saved some money and some space...haha!  We didn't do it all the time but, some times we did and I am glad that I don't have those cards but, rather the memories of "not" buying them now. 

You know they say the first year is the worst for grieving the loss of a special some one and whoever "they" are, they are right.  Along with it I feel as though I carry around an emptiness that was never there before.  I know I need to keep going.  She would want me to live my life as best and as happy as I can but, there are still times when it is hard to.  Someone I know wrote that crying is a way to let the sad out.  I kind of like that way of looking at it. 

Well, with this note tonight I want to let you know that this disease has changed me forever.  I am more aware now of the battles we sometimes have no choice but, to face.  I have learned that there is strength beyond words in all of us and it sometimes takes such a battle for the strength and courage to pour out.

You have all been a great source of support this last year whether you knew or not.  Please know I think of you all and pray for a cure.

Take care 

P.S.  Happy Birthday Mom... all the way to heaven xoxo 

Hello-

    This was very encouraging for me to read...Thank you.  My father passed away 1 1/2 weeks ago, and although my wounds are fresh, you made me realize that I am not the only person out here crying for my loss.  My heart is truly broken. You have also shown me that even though it is really hard, at times unbearable, you have successfully made it through the first year....I am not looking forward to the holidays (I hear those are the worst!).  You should be proud of yourself.  The way I feel at this moment, I was wondering how one makes it through this terrible heartache.  I cry and cry and find it hard to grasp the fact that life must go on. 

Like your mom, my father was and will always be my best friend, idol, and more importantly my hero.  He was diagnosed on July 1, 2008.  He said he would fight till the end and he did just that.  This disease just took over too quick.  I try to look at the positive side of things.  I thank God for the time we shared....although I would have loved more time.

Sorry I don't know your name, but please know that you being on this site has really helped me. Hopefully we can keep in touch through this site. Take care and God Bless!

 

                                                                             Julie

Hi.  How are you doing?...  up and down I expect.

I just wanted to touch base with you.  I have read your nice reply and I will admit the best part of this message board is that sometimes what you write can help (even the littlest bit) someone.  Whether it is with encouragement or just an understanding, it makes me feel like the disease can't take some things away.

It has been more than a year now since I lost my mom and I will admit I think about her SO much still.  At times it STILL doesn't feel real or I feel like if I can just do "something" she will come back.  I know she can't and in reality I will just need to cope and learn a different way of being close to her.  This must be a fairly lengthy process I am finding though.

Something I tell myself when I feel myself getting too low is that I am not alone.  Buck up...I am not the first person to loose someone they love nor will I be the last.  It is a fact of life and I need to learn to go with it.  I know mom wants me to live the best life I can.  She would hate it if I didn't.  It is not a warm and fuzzy conversation I have with myself as you can see...haha!

I also sometimes write my thoughts and feelings down.  I don't really do anything with what I write but, sometimes I feel like I have got through a tough moment by doing it.

Anyways, I hope you do know you are not alone and you are in my thoughts.

Please take care

S

HI Julie.  Thankyou for your nice reply to my message.  I want to first say how sorry I am for the loss of your father, your friend.  You are right by thinking this is a long process.  I have come to the realization that maybe with time things might get more bearable but, there will always be something missing in my life and yours too I am sure.

I do believe your Dad and my mom are still watching over us.  How lucky we are to have them for angels.

Please take care and know you are in my thoughts.

S