Angry Patients?

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Angry Patients?

by dre04 on Tue Sep 30, 2008 12:00 AM

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My mom has liver cancer and has been battling it for as long as I can remember. This past year has been the most difficult because it's the first time we've actually seen the effects of cancer. She has lost a tremendouse amount of weight and the only thing that stands out is her belly where the tumor has become so enlarged, it makes her look like she's pregnant. She has also lost control on her right side so it is very difficult for her to walk and her right arm is limp. My family tries everything to make her comfortable and  cater to her every need but she is extremely ungrateful and constantly puts us down and demands things from us instead of asking. We try to tell ourselves that her depression has taken her so deep that she can't control the angry emotions. But on top of my family dealing with the fact that we might lose her soon, we have to deal with her being negative. Not a lot of people believe what I tell them because they wonder "What cancer patient would be this mean to their family?" I can give a million examples of this but instead I want to ask people if they have experienced the same thing with other cancer patients? Are they rude, mean, spiteful, and resentful towards their families? Do they demand and expect someone to cater to their every need and ungrateful even when they get what they want? I'm almost reaching my limit with this and I know she's my mother and love her deeply but I almost can't tolerate the way I'm treated. No matter how much I express the disappointment to her, she continues with it.

RE: Angry Patients?

by caringconnie08 on Wed Oct 01, 2008 12:00 AM

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On 9/30/2008 dre04 wrote:

My mom has liver cancer and has been battling it for as long as I can remember. This past year has been the most difficult because it's the first time we've actually seen the effects of cancer. She has lost a tremendouse amount of weight and the only thing that stands out is her belly where the tumor has become so enlarged, it makes her look like she's pregnant. She has also lost control on her right side so it is very difficult for her to walk and her right arm is limp. My family tries everything to make her comfortable and  cater to her every need but she is extremely ungrateful and constantly puts us down and demands things from us instead of asking. We try to tell ourselves that her depression has taken her so deep that she can't control the angry emotions. But on top of my family dealing with the fact that we might lose her soon, we have to deal with her being negative. Not a lot of people believe what I tell them because they wonder "What cancer patient would be this mean to their family?" I can give a million examples of this but instead I want to ask people if they have experienced the same thing with other cancer patients? Are they rude, mean, spiteful, and resentful towards their families? Do they demand and expect someone to cater to their every need and ungrateful even when they get what they want? I'm almost reaching my limit with this and I know she's my mother and love her deeply but I almost can't tolerate the way I'm treated. No matter how much I express the disappointment to her, she continues with it.

Sweetie, you are dealing with a patient that has liver cancer. I suggest you go online, or ask the doctor what can be expected from her. The liver normally filters out toxins from the blood stream, when it is not functioning properly, it does not do that, and these patients become very easily aggitated with what seems like everything. And, it will only get worse as the disease progresses. Please be aware, she is not doing this on purpose, and you should have every bit of patience with her that you can possibly have. If not, get someone who can.

 I feel for your loved one, as I'm not sure you have enough information on what liver cancer will do, before the end comes. It sounds like she is at a stage 4, probably end stage, and you need to be very patient. Please, for everyone's sake.

I went through this just a few months ago, and although it was not easy to see happening, for me, it was very easy to overlook what was "not really him". When he got upset, I'd be all the more patient. Believe me, you will be glad you were. These people are very very sick.

If I could, I'd come and take care of her, she needs understanding at this point.

My thoughts are with all of you.

Connie

RE: Angry Patients?

by dre04 on Wed Oct 01, 2008 12:00 AM

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Connie, Thank you so much for your message. I appreciate the response and for the reminder that my family and I have to stay strong and be there for her as much as we can. I often do think that end is coming soon and although it terrifies me, I have tried to prepare my heart the past few months for this loss. In a sense, I feel that she is already gone. The person she is now, is not who she once was and I mourn that every day I see her. Someone does stay with her a few times a week but she is not a nurse, more of a family friend. I will most likely discuss with my father about having hospice care and hopefully it will alleviate some of the stress on us and also make my mom feel comfortable and taken care of. Thank you again for the response. Take care. -Andrea

RE: Angry Patients?

by kelliejo2 on Sat Oct 04, 2008 12:00 AM

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I have the same problem with my 20 yr old daughter. She has A rare Liver cancer along with 5 strokes. She has acted the same way. She cusses at me all the time. She had never done that prior. You have to look past that and know the real person, is she the same person that she was years ago? No, shes not. Just be patient I know it's hard some times I get so frusrated I just want to walk away, but my love for her is so much stronger than the cancer and the effects of it.. Some times you need to regroup and start over. You also need a break everynow and then to be able to re-group.. Stay strong and keep on doing your best.

 

RE: Angry Patients?

by QueenL on Mon Oct 27, 2008 12:00 AM

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My cancer was diagnosed after I tried to have knee replacement surgery. Since I've had hep C and cirrhosis since 2003 (treatment) anyway I knew it was just a matter of WHEN cancer would be found. Until it was, life was happily ever after. My encephalopathy causes me to lose track of where I am, to be unable to drive or be confident in my husband's driving, to forget everything, to lose the ability to speak clearly, to become panicked or confused. Lactoluse helps, but not always. And to me too much is out of control and scary. I lash out, unforgiving. I'm considering applying for disability. In July I had a chemoembolization. Truly brutal I was to my husband and friends. My good fortune is that many of them have already experienced living with a cancer patient and understand how viscious and unforgiving we can be. Believe me, my husband had better get it right or else. My heart says, everyone is making my life possible, lighten up, appreciate how much love surrounds me. My reality is that No, I don't want spaghetti tonight it sickense me. Only crepes will do. Your potato salad is making me nauseous. I can't breath. I'm scared. I want to cry, but can't because I don't want others to know how frightened I am. So, please, try to send your thoughts to my husband as you try to understand how your mother can possibly treat you so poorly. I don't even know what I am doing as I hurt him, I'm just trying to get what I need. And of course, my knees still hurt. It isn't as though I didn't need the surgery. Believe me I am trying to ground myself in the love and friendship that is a part of my life, and to simply "shut up" instead of bark or complain. May you find peace with your mother soon.

RE: Angry Patients?

by shortstopmommy on Tue Apr 21, 2009 12:00 AM

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I know very well what you are going through. My mom has stage 4 lung cancer and has almost finished round one of chemo, though it's up in the air, I think, if she'll continue, depending on the upcoming reassesment. She is angry, negative, VERY mean to my dad, impatient with us and grandchildren (sometimes) and it's so upsetting. It's awful that her last year - or however long, we dont' know - will be spent like this. I am due with my second child in 10 weeks and I have been the only one not to finally get mad back after being treated like that. (Well my brother hasn't been angry yet, but he lives 20 hours away and when he WAS here a month ago, he wasn't treated that nicely either). If this was a new kind of behaviour it would be in a way easier to swallow, but this is sort of the norm, except dialed WAY up - and we can't say anything back. It's awful. I actually got on the computer right now to find out if anyone else experiences this. I had called my dad and her to discuss getting some help for them (housecleaning) but never made it past the first 10 seconds, I was greeted with "WHAT IS IT!". When I take a couple of days away from it I get phoned with a guilt trip that I haven't been around. Nobody can please her, it seems. But as her mood goes up and down, when she's up she needs the love but it's hard when we are still bleeding from the last episode. I don't know if I totally believe in letting someone beat the hell out of you emotionally like that over and over and over, despite their illness. I would like to know how you are making out....

RE: Angry Patients?

by shortstopmommy on Tue Apr 21, 2009 12:00 AM

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I feel like I should add that I did not get angry back today. I seem to be able to handle it pretty well most days, I guess today (after I brought food over and had a visit) I was not expecting to be treated like a stupid annoyance. Being 7+ months pregnant is probably catching up to me too.

(See - I felt guilty about my feelings, though anyone like the gal I responded to who deals with this knows it isn't one incident, it's a thousand of them that wear away at your own heart).

RE: Angry Patients?

by cadyjordan on Thu May 14, 2009 12:00 AM

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On 9/30/2008 dre04 wrote:

My mom has liver cancer and has been battling it for as long as I can remember. This past year has been the most difficult because it's the first time we've actually seen the effects of cancer. She has lost a tremendouse amount of weight and the only thing that stands out is her belly where the tumor has become so enlarged, it makes her look like she's pregnant. She has also lost control on her right side so it is very difficult for her to walk and her right arm is limp. My family tries everything to make her comfortable and  cater to her every need but she is extremely ungrateful and constantly puts us down and demands things from us instead of asking. We try to tell ourselves that her depression has taken her so deep that she can't control the angry emotions. But on top of my family dealing with the fact that we might lose her soon, we have to deal with her being negative. Not a lot of people believe what I tell them because they wonder "What cancer patient would be this mean to their family?" I can give a million examples of this but instead I want to ask people if they have experienced the same thing with other cancer patients? Are they rude, mean, spiteful, and resentful towards their families? Do they demand and expect someone to cater to their every need and ungrateful even when they get what they want? I'm almost reaching my limit with this and I know she's my mother and love her deeply but I almost can't tolerate the way I'm treated. No matter how much I express the disappointment to her, she continues with it.

My sister has small cell lung cancer which has spread to her brain, adrenal, liver and stomach. She is till being treated, now with an oral chemo and soon with cyberknife again for the new mutlitple brain lesions that have returned to her brain.  She has never had a month of rest since she was diagnosed 15 months ago.  Now, she has diabetes on top of it.  She has always been controlling and to say the least her demeanor has always leaned to the rude and nasty side.  But, that was her and we just left it alone as we all live so far apart and our time together each year was limited to two or three weeks.  I love her dearly, but her attitude and manner borders on being schizo.  She does not keep herself clean, if she works, which she does try to do a few days a week, and I do applaud her for this, she comes home and just lays on the couch.  When she does not work, she lays the whole day on the couch. We try to get her to exercise but she refuses. Getting to her to eat right is an arduous chore.

 I know she is scared.  We are all scared.  I know she has not been one to share her feelings nor be open and honest about things.  However, I find her unwillingness to at least try almost borders on inhumanity.  Her daughter has a young son who needs to be cared for but my sister won't consider having a home health aide or moving to a small house near her daughter in the states.  Both options are viable. 

It has come to the point now that we all dread going, but we all know she cannot be alone. She has not been alone for the last 15 months, and I have incurred a debt level for airline tickets which is burdensome on my retirement. I have spent over 6 months of the last year with her, away from my family and loved one.  Now, I have taken teaching jobs so I can pay down my bills.  We are thousands of miles apart and things are getting worse.

We live with an anvil hanging over our heads, never  knowing what to do. I am wondering if anyone has any ideas.  I know this does not help with your issue except to say you are not alone.  I wish you and your family well.

RE: Angry Patients?

by shortstopmommy on Thu Oct 15, 2009 12:00 AM

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You  have no idea how much this DOES help. Thank you! It's easy to start feeling alone - especially when I feel guilty on top of it all. I'm sorry that you have to go through what you're going through, and I thank you for the well wishes. I hope you are doing okay too, let me know.

(sorry i hadn't replied for so long, my 3 month old and 5 year old are keeping me on my toes)

RE: Angry Patients?

by WouldntDareSay on Tue Mar 29, 2011 04:32 AM

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On Sep 30, 2008 12:00 AM dre04 wrote:

My mom has liver cancer and has been battling it for as long as I can remember. This past year has been the most difficult because it's the first time we've actually seen the effects of cancer. She has lost a tremendouse amount of weight and the only thing that stands out is her belly where the tumor has become so enlarged, it makes her look like she's pregnant. She has also lost control on her right side so it is very difficult for her to walk and her right arm is limp. My family tries everything to make her comfortable and  cater to her every need but she is extremely ungrateful and constantly puts us down and demands things from us instead of asking. We try to tell ourselves that her depression has taken her so deep that she can't control the angry emotions. But on top of my family dealing with the fact that we might lose her soon, we have to deal with her being negative. Not a lot of people believe what I tell them because they wonder "What cancer patient would be this mean to their family?" I can give a million examples of this but instead I want to ask people if they have experienced the same thing with other cancer patients? Are they rude, mean, spiteful, and resentful towards their families? Do they demand and expect someone to cater to their every need and ungrateful even when they get what they want? I'm almost reaching my limit with this and I know she's my mother and love her deeply but I almost can't tolerate the way I'm treated. No matter how much I express the disappointment to her, she continues with it.

Angry....Hateful....Mean.....Ugly...  I am right there  with you.  Every time we have to go to the doctor & she knows she is not going to like what he has to say, she wakes up angry and takes it out on me all day long.  The whole family starts preparing for it days in advance.  My mom (in-law) has lung cancer and a great big fat tumor in her brain.  Today...  She became uncontrollable when the doctor suggested help from Hospice (for the 3rd time).  Like you we jump through hoops trying to please her.  Catering to her every need just ticks her off more.  She refuses to let anyone help her with anything.  She gets angry when she cant do whats she wants.  She gets angry when her body wont cooperate.  She gets angry when you try and help her.  She falls frequently because she refuses to let anyone help her and she accuses us of holding her hostage when we tell her its not safe for her to live alone anymore.  Her memory fails her and when we try and help her remember, she accuses us of trying to make people think she is crazy.  In hopes of making her happy, we are going to physical theropy to build her strength up.  We let her do as much as she can by herself and listen nervously to the monitor praying she doesnt fall.... But letting her do it "her way" none the less.  Now she is accusing us of spying on her so we can "tattle" on her.  (By the way, I am no longer allowed to take her to her appointments).  I cannot even begin to tell you the horrible things she has lashed out at me.  She gets herself so worked up she gets an upset stomach and refuses to eat..... OMG that is a whole other story there.  This is how I deal with....  I choose to believe that aliens have abducted her and replaced her brain with a big fat tumor and that is not "mom" in there anymore.  It is so difficult to keep quiet and just sit there and take it.  She pushes and pushes and pushes till you have not choice but to be brutely honest with her.  I have had to tell her that I cannot let her hurt herself and I will not let her starve herself and if that makes her angry.... Well she is just going to have to be mad at me.... And I move on.  When she tells me to go away... I find something to do in another room.  When she tells me she is packing her bags and moving back home...  I ask her if she would like me to fix her some lunch before she goes.  By the time she done eating re-enforcements have arrived and she has forgotten she was moving out.....  I believe it is the cancer she is angry at and she loves all of us the same as she always has.....  YOUR RIGHT...  It's almost intolerable.  Someone should hand out manuals on how to survive it.  I'll take one.

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