This is tough

Hi

I posted a message a few weeks back after my wife had just undergone a double mastectomy following diagnosis of two separate tumors - grade III left side and grade I right side. Lucy had been coping really well with the pressure and was philosophical about the affects of hair loss following the first course of chemo - until she read an article in a magazine a couple of days ago about people who had died as a result of breast cancer. This has really rocked her and sent her into a terrible bout of depression which is so uncharacteristic.

My wife is surrounded by friends and family offering support and I am doing what I can, but she is so down at the moment it is hard to break through. We have three wonderful little girls aged 10, 8 and 6 and it is so heartbreaking trying to keep family life "normal" for them when Mummy is crying a lot and feeling unwell. They just don't deserve this and nor does my lovely wife.

I guess there is nothing anyone can really say or do to change things, we have just got to ride out this storm and hope for the best - I just needed to have a moan and get it off my chest.

Solidarity and best wishes to all who are going through similar exepriences.

 

Hi Partner,

 Your wife is grieving - this is pretty normal for women with breast cancer when they realize the statistics on breast cancer, and have to come face to face with the fact that this thing could kill them.  I know - I've been there, and as a nurse took care of many other women who've been there, too.

So it's good that you support your wife, and understand that she needs time to grieve.  But don't let her grieve too long - she really needs to embrace the fact that she isn't dead yet, that she doesn't have an expiration date stamped anywhere on her body, and that MANY women successfully beat this thing through acts of will, sheer determination, and taking on a lifestyle that creates an inner body terrain NOT conducive to growth of cancer.

The temptation for many husbands would be to say,"come on, I need you, the children need you."  I recommend rather than saying that, that you and the children gently invite her back into the fabric of your lives. Ask to sit down with her and keep her company while you read a book, or have the girls go to her and ask to sit down with her while they do their homework. Gentle reminders like this from her family will help her recognize that she has much to contribute, and that partaking in the life of her family is much more fulfilling than hiding herself away.  

Also, let her know that you find her attractive, that you want to hold her in your embrace, and that you are all in this together. Make her feel wanted and loved, in a very gentle way.  Reaffirmation of her place in your heart will help her to regain confidence that she can help meet the needs of the family.  Let her know that when she's tired, you and the kids are there to help.  Fix her some snacks - favorite foods that she likes, and sit and share them with her.  Concentrate on simple non-demanding things that will help her focus on the here and now, rather than what could be.

 I hope this helps. Please make sure to take good care of yourself, also.

Sincerely,

Tre

Hi Partner, My love to you and your family. Cancer is tough, scary, and affects the whole family. I am in treatment for thyroid cancer. The cancer experience in my book is awful. You feel old before your time, worry about dying, worry about living with long term effects from therapy. So this is on your mind, and then one day you read a post, see an article, hear of someone who despite all the treatment still lost their battle and you just lose it. Its the bathtub filling up, it spills over and its tough to stop the flood. Some things that helped me are identifying my good, reliable friends (a girl needs her girlfriends) and calling on them for help. Connect with other survivors. They have wonderful wisdom, and hey, they are out there! There is a powerful sisterhood of survivors! Do you have the livestrong notebook? When it arrived in the mail it made me cry. Then I opened, and read survivor stories. Cried more. But then I found such comfort from reading the stories. I also watched the DVD Crazy Sexy cancer (its available on netflix) that made me laugh and cry at the same time. Be there, love, understand, love some more. Thats what you do. Liz

Hi Partner, I am stage IV BC survivor and have been on the roller coaster for 11 years. Your wife is morning many things. Not only the loss of her woman hood but the thought of maybe not being around to see your children grow and have lives of their own. It takes time and when she is ready you both should join a support group. It was a relief for me to see a room full of bald women just like me when I was going through my Chemo. You learn to cope from people who have been there and are still here. It does get better. It just takes time and she has plenty of it. Hope this helps. Also my husband felt better when he was helping new partners cope.

Have your wife look at www.jillies.com.  Thsi site was designed to be a soft and welcoming place for women to go and find resources to help her maintain her dignity and positive attitude.