I am so (&*! angry and sad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

May 17, 2007,  One of two dates I will never forget--Diagnosis.  Dec. 17, 2007,--Right side Mastectomy.  I was 39 when Cancer stole my breast and forever altered my life.  

It's almost been a year and I want to know when I start getting on with my life?   When do I wake and not think about what Cancer has done to me?   How can I not think about it,  I am reminded in the mirror every morning. 

To make things worse I have to go in for more surgery.  I elected to have reconstruction done at the time of the Mastectomy.  It was a very, very good reconstruction!  I was satisfied.  Some how I have managed to tear appart my Latisimus muscle from my Pectoral muscle.  This now leaves my implant floating around.  Additionally my under arm is swelling up. 

I so want to be happy and move on but I am angry and sad!!!!  I am also scared.  My father is the only person who is alive on his side of the family.  They all died of Cancer.  I know I am destined to have Cancer again.  

Any advice on how to move on?

Yes I know what you are feeling! Almost everyone goes through being sad and angry! I also had breast Cancer and had my left breast removed. I didn't have reconstruction b/c I had read how much trouble some have with the implants.

BUT we as human beings do not understand that we can not make things right with ourselves or anyone else! We have to talk to our creator and ask him what lesson can I learn from this? Turn this over to God and ask him to see you through, that's what I did. I was allergic to all the pain killing drugs and had hives all over me from the Morphine! I said Lord you have to ease my pain b/c I can't take the drugs to numb me. Guess what---I had NO PAIN  at all and that is almost unheard of,after a mastectomy.YOU see our trouble is trying to fix it ourself and we can't,so now we have to turn it over to God and TRUST him to fix our MIND,BODY and SOUL. And he will!!! Dr's and nurses are just helping God out by taking care of his children,BUT the real healing take place under God wonderful hands,that he gives so freely to us.All that he ask in return is our faith and trust in him. No bills in the mail ,just your love for him! I will pray for you and ask God to comfort you and see you through it all.

Hugs Shirley

On 11/24/2008 cancerbites wrote:

May 17, 2007,  One of two dates I will never forget--Diagnosis.  Dec. 17, 2007,--Right side Mastectomy.  I was 39 when Cancer stole my breast and forever altered my life.  

It's almost been a year and I want to know when I start getting on with my life?   When do I wake and not think about what Cancer has done to me?   How can I not think about it,  I am reminded in the mirror every morning. 

To make things worse I have to go in for more surgery.  I elected to have reconstruction done at the time of the Mastectomy.  It was a very, very good reconstruction!  I was satisfied.  Some how I have managed to tear appart my Latisimus muscle from my Pectoral muscle.  This now leaves my implant floating around.  Additionally my under arm is swelling up. 

I so want to be happy and move on but I am angry and sad!!!!  I am also scared.  My father is the only person who is alive on his side of the family.  They all died of Cancer.  I know I am destined to have Cancer again.  

Any advice on how to move on?

Hi - I get angry and sad too.  I think it's a part of this whole package we didn't ever want.  I am a 35 year old mom of 2 kids (14, and 3).  I just had a bilateral mastectomy on Oct 6th, 2008.  I am now having 16 weeks of chemo. I  feel and look disfigured and although I know millions have been through this, I feel I am the only breast cancer patient in the world.  That is what brought me to this site today.   I had an aggressive triple negative tumor on my right breast and elected to just remove them both because I came to the realization that I am not the kind of person who is comfortable sitting around waiting for it to recur on the other side. It was a hard decision but I know myself.  My oncologist told me that people are generally ok during treatment because they feel they are actively doing something to "kill" the disease.  It's afterward when the treatments are done that they freak out about small aches and pains being the cancer coming back and so on.  I have never been a truly optimistic person (no one is in my family) but I do think that so far in this journey I am on, I am learning to be a hopeful person.  I am trying to train myself to think positive thoughts about my future.  I think about things I would love to do when this is over.  I have never seen much outside of Illinois, I want to take my kids to Disney, I look forward to retiring with my husband and getting a boat someday.  Those thoughts and many more keep me going strong now.  Also, today I read an inspiring note on this site that helped me face my next 6 chemos with a better attitude.  I want this to be over and when it is, I WILL put it on the backburner in my mind and live life!  I will mind my health but I won't give this damn cancer the power to put me out of commission.   It will already have taken my breast and nipples, hair, and who knows what else by the time I am done. I don't want to think about dying!  I feel too close to that thought since this started a few months ago.  I cannot wait for the next step (chemo) to be done. Chemo is tough too.  My hair just fell out this week and although I knew it was coming and buzzed my head ahead of time, I am still mourning my long red hair that I had a few months ago.  I am looking forward to my reconstruction. I have already started that now and look forward to the final results.  I think... then I will be free.  I have a few moments a day that tears or fears come.  I just chalk it up to the cancer breaking me down so I can come back stronger than I ever was.  Maybe, just maybe, tragedy will do that for us.  I hope so.  The other best therapy is laughter.  I make fun of myself contsantly to my friends and family because I HAVE to laugh to stay sane sometimes.  I call people when I am down that I know will have me in stitches laughing about old times or something.  You need your friends and family now (especially an old pal).  Give yourself a set time to grieve and when it's done, move on.  I hope the best for you, don't let cancer  have that much power, kick it's butt out of your life...that's what I am trying to do.

Andi

Hello Cancerbites

I am a 2time bc survivor and in Feb.2008 I had a double mastectomy with immediate DIEP reconstruction, followed by 5 more surgeries. I totally "get" your prolonged anger and sadness, especially when the healing is delayed by problems with treatment so that you MUST focus on the !@#$%! cancer again.

I hope it helps to know that it is not only normal, but necessary, to feel what you are feeling, and finding someone to share openly with will help you let go and move beyond the cancer.  Often we shy away from talking with family and friends because we don't want to either scare them or wear them out, which is why hashing it out with survivors can be so helpful.  

I will include a Youtube link to a very moving video clip by Nicole Johnson called "Stepping Into The Ring." Here it is:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W_yivlcCpB4

If you want to read my whole story it is on my website www.stayinthepink.com.   Please feel free to write to me from there if you would like to chat.

Your sister,

Jamie

On 11/28/2008 will be ok2 wrote:

 

On 11/24/2008 cancerbites wrote:

May 17, 2007,  One of two dates I will never forget--Diagnosis.  Dec. 17, 2007,--Right side Mastectomy.  I was 39 when Cancer stole my breast and forever altered my life.  

It's almost been a year and I want to know when I start getting on with my life?   When do I wake and not think about what Cancer has done to me?   How can I not think about it,  I am reminded in the mirror every morning. 

To make things worse I have to go in for more surgery.  I elected to have reconstruction done at the time of the Mastectomy.  It was a very, very good reconstruction!  I was satisfied.  Some how I have managed to tear appart my Latisimus muscle from my Pectoral muscle.  This now leaves my implant floating around.  Additionally my under arm is swelling up. 

I so want to be happy and move on but I am angry and sad!!!!  I am also scared.  My father is the only person who is alive on his side of the family.  They all died of Cancer.  I know I am destined to have Cancer again.  

Any advice on how to move on?

 

Hi - I get angry and sad too.  I think it's a part of this whole package we didn't ever want.  I am a 35 year old mom of 2 kids (14, and 3).  I just had a bilateral mastectomy on Oct 6th, 2008.  I am now having 16 weeks of chemo. I  feel and look disfigured and although I know millions have been through this, I feel I am the only breast cancer patient in the world.  That is what brought me to this site today.   I had an aggressive triple negative tumor on my right breast and elected to just remove them both because I came to the realization that I am not the kind of person who is comfortable sitting around waiting for it to recur on the other side. It was a hard decision but I know myself.  My oncologist told me that people are generally ok during treatment because they feel they are actively doing something to "kill" the disease.  It's afterward when the treatments are done that they freak out about small aches and pains being the cancer coming back and so on.  I have never been a truly optimistic person (no one is in my family) but I do think that so far in this journey I am on, I am learning to be a hopeful person.  I am trying to train myself to think positive thoughts about my future.  I think about things I would love to do when this is over.  I have never seen much outside of Illinois, I want to take my kids to Disney, I look forward to retiring with my husband and getting a boat someday.  Those thoughts and many more keep me going strong now.  Also, today I read an inspiring note on this site that helped me face my next 6 chemos with a better attitude.  I want this to be over and when it is, I WILL put it on the backburner in my mind and live life!  I will mind my health but I won't give this damn cancer the power to put me out of commission.   It will already have taken my breast and nipples, hair, and who knows what else by the time I am done. I don't want to think about dying!  I feel too close to that thought since this started a few months ago.  I cannot wait for the next step (chemo) to be done. Chemo is tough too.  My hair just fell out this week and although I knew it was coming and buzzed my head ahead of time, I am still mourning my long red hair that I had a few months ago.  I am looking forward to my reconstruction. I have already started that now and look forward to the final results.  I think... then I will be free.  I have a few moments a day that tears or fears come.  I just chalk it up to the cancer breaking me down so I can come back stronger than I ever was.  Maybe, just maybe, tragedy will do that for us.  I hope so.  The other best therapy is laughter.  I make fun of myself contsantly to my friends and family because I HAVE to laugh to stay sane sometimes.  I call people when I am down that I know will have me in stitches laughing about old times or something.  You need your friends and family now (especially an old pal).  Give yourself a set time to grieve and when it's done, move on.  I hope the best for you, don't let cancer  have that much power, kick it's butt out of your life...that's what I am trying to do.

 

Andi

I think anger is a normal response,,, considering    WE HAVE SUDDENLY had our life altered...   I have been fumeing angry...  (at myself, at drs..and family)   

WE need to overcome & no be the victim,.....

THis is what is.. and was  before we even knew it was happening inside of us.....

BE WHO YOUA RE to the fullest....

THOSE DREAMS you have had   NOW is the TIME to do them

THOSE THINGS you've always wants to do... make an effort to do them

HUG MORE... say I LOVE YOU MORE.....

Life life to teh fullest & KICK Cancers BUTT

:D

thats my 2cents for   today

-Mary Anne

Hi Ladies - here is my two cents for what it is worth - IT DOES GET BETTER - The day will come when you get busy with the rest of your life and the BC recedes.  I am 50, I have had BC twices with surgeries, chemo & radiation...getting ready for a DM with reconstruction - it is sad...but so much better than the alternative.  For those of you who are done with Chemo and just waiting to feel good again, one day will come without your even realizing it when the thought will cross your mind "Hey I don't feel bad today - when did that happen?"  Hang in there - take care of yourself, don;t expect too much too soon - it is a process...but eventually - it is a memory.  Hard as it is take the good that you can from it, like going for the gusto, once you feel whole again.  Good luck to you!!

Robbie

Life is not about surviving the storm but learning how to dance in the rain

Andi

I totally relate to your feelings about how much cancer has already taken from you.  I felt the same way, particularly about the loss of my nipples.  So I did something crazy and got a tattoo around my belly button. The only way I could do it was because the area is numb!  It is a flower with a butterfly on one side, and it was a fun thing I did after so many very un-fun things I had gone through.

What kind of reconstruction are you having?  I had a bilateral mastectomy with immediate DIEP reconstruction, which left me with a tight tummy and lovely breasts.  The results are great, but the process was still very hard.  You have my heart.

Jamie

On 11/24/2008 cancerbites wrote:

May 17, 2007,  One of two dates I will never forget--Diagnosis.  Dec. 17, 2007,--Right side Mastectomy.  I was 39 when Cancer stole my breast and forever altered my life.  

It's almost been a year and I want to know when I start getting on with my life?   When do I wake and not think about what Cancer has done to me?   How can I not think about it,  I am reminded in the mirror every morning. 

To make things worse I have to go in for more surgery.  I elected to have reconstruction done at the time of the Mastectomy.  It was a very, very good reconstruction!  I was satisfied.  Some how I have managed to tear appart my Latisimus muscle from my Pectoral muscle.  This now leaves my implant floating around.  Additionally my under arm is swelling up. 

I so want to be happy and move on but I am angry and sad!!!!  I am also scared.  My father is the only person who is alive on his side of the family.  They all died of Cancer.  I know I am destined to have Cancer again.  

Any advice on how to move on?