The Hard Core Truth

I am the primary caregiver of my wife who has been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. I know how hard it can be to be "put aside" for the betterment and recovery of the actual patient. I know what it feels like for "fun" to run out of your life, for your world to be turned upside down. I have experienced the fear, the dread, the uncertainty and horror of it all. I have by no means gone the full route. And I am still learning to deal with this on my wife's terms. But I have learned one important thing...a very important thing, that I would like to pass along to all caregivers.

You are not unimportant, though it may appear that you are. Your feelings, your life does still matter. However, as caregivers, we have not just the obligation, but the unique opportunity of a lifetime to give our loved ones what they so much deserve: The BEST care and support we can give them, in every way possible.. Yes, it really is about them and not us. Though we are human too, and have feelings, hopes, and wills, we have been chosen for an urgent task  We have been elected to traverse a path many would run from to avoid at any cost. Remember when you first heard the news "It is Cancer?" And you somehow found strength you never thought you had?

Here is what I intend to do. I do not know what everyone else intends to do, but I shall strive to sacrifice my time and my resources to find ways to actually care for my loved one in the BEST possible way I know how. I want to educate myself as much as possible, keep notes, make phone calls, these things and a thousand things more, not just the mere answering of her every call..

For if I lose my loved one, I do not want to have to go through a period of guilt, because of the times in which I was impatient, or self-centered, placing my desires ahead of her own, when I exist healthy, and she is the one who is ill. I am NOT saying caregivers do not have needs or concerns, or that their lives should no longer matter. What I am saying is, my wife may be dying, therefore I do not have the time nor the desire to sacrifice the precious time that she needs for me to be the best caregiver I can possibly be, to be something other than that for me. Take care of yourself first, then take care of your loved one the best that you can. Your labor of love will be rewarded in heaven.

A wise and generous post. I'm caregiver to my Stage IV kidney cancer husband, and I do, right from the DX, know that we are basically ;'in this together'. Yes, that may sound easy for me to say (I'm not the one with kidney cancer)(nor, I pray, any other), but we are partners in this. We research together, go to appointments together, we're an 'anti-cancer team', getting as much out of what we have now, and for who knows how long, as we both can.

And one thing I do know - this may be a negative way of putting it, but it's true all the same, and for me it really works as a cause for thanks. Every day, people's lives are snuffed out, wantonly, in road accidents and so on. But with cancer, God gives us the precious gift of TIME - maybe not much, not as much as we thought we would have, but a lot, lot better than kissing a loved one goodbye in the morning, and never seeing them alive again....

With cancer, for this day, at least, we still have them, and they have us. And that's a precious, precious gift.

As I have read here, and in many cancer support places, 'It's called the Present because each day is a gift' 

Kind thoughts in heartbreaking times, Julie.

Julie that post just gave me goose bumps, I have lost my Aunt to cancer and she was gone within a month of diagnosis due to being the most serious form and a allergic reaction to chemo so therefore I had no chance to accept that she was sick and or say goodbye . I also lost my brother to a tragic fall so again no time to say goodbye or accept anything. No closure.

Now , last week I found out my mom (58) has almost Stage 4 Ovarian cancer and I have spent the past two weeks at her side and caring for her  telling her everything I need to tell her and  I have never been at more peace with the thought of her leaving . I know that sounds odd but it is true.I want her to leave this world knowing she was loved and adored in every way possible and that we are all okay, she isnt leaving a train wreck of emotions behind. I dont want her to suffer , but i think that is unavoidable at this point . She is to hopefully have surgery on the 21st of this month and then what seems to be a lifetime of chemo and radiation. If God could answer my prayers it would be that she never wake up from her surgery .

ThankYou both for posting such heart wrenching and TRUE posts.