Cowboy Up- They Need Us

I am the primary caregiver of my wife who has been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. I know how hard it can be to be "put aside" for the betterment and recovery of the actual patient. I know what it feels like for "fun" to run out of your life, for your world to be turned upside down. I have experienced the fear, the dread, the uncertainty and horror of it all. I have by no means gone the full route. And I am still learning to deal with this on my wife's terms. But I have learned one important thing...a very important thing, that I would like to pass along to all caregivers.

You are not unimportant, though it may appear that you are. Your feelings, your life does still matter. However, as caregivers, we have not just the obligation, but the unique opportunity of a lifetime to give our loved ones what they so much deserve: The BEST care and support we can give them, in every way possible.. Yes, it really is about them and not us. Though we are human too, and have feelings, hopes, and wills, we have been chosen for an urgent task  We have been elected to traverse a path many would run from to avoid at any cost. Remember when you first heard the news "It is Cancer?" And you somehow found strength you never thought you had?

Here is what I intend to do. I do not know what everyone else intends to do, but I shall strive to sacrifice my time and my resources to find ways to actually care for my loved one in the BEST possible way I know how. I want to educate myself as much as possible, keep notes, make phone calls, these things and a thousand things more, not just the mere answering of her every call..

For if I lose my loved one, I do not want to have to go through a period of guilt, because of the times in which I was impatient, or self-centered, placing my desires ahead of her own, when I exist healthy, and she is the one who is ill. I am NOT saying caregivers do not have needs or concerns, or that their lives should no longer matter. What I am saying is, my wife may be dying, therefore I do not have the time nor the desire to sacrifice the precious time that she needs for me to be the best caregiver I can possibly be, to be something other than that for me. Take care of yourself first, then take care of your loved one the best that you can. Your labor of love will be rewarded in heaven.

Thanks for this message, Steve, I really needed it.  It's not that I'm not caring for my husband it's just that I find myself sometimes putting up a wall or pulling back just a little, emotionally, possibly in an attempt to lessen the blow when he is no longer here.

We've neither one of us ever been overly affectionate (we just weren't shown much affection growing up) but I do love him and there are not many minutes during the day when I'm not thinking of him and wondering how he is and praying for a cure or at least an easing of his pain.  I lie awake at night listening to him breathe (and snore ;)) and wonder what it will be like when he's gone.

I know, I should be focusing on the here and now and enjoying the time we have left, and I'm going to try my best to do that for him from now on.

Thank you for your message - it was very good to hear.

I love my husband so very much.  It's hard to see him suffer (stage 4).  We both know he doesn't have much time - and though it seems like a long time since he was first diagnosed - it's actually only been just a little more than 1 year.

Some people at work say that I'm one of the strongest people they've ever met. And I can't see it. Because when I'm alone - I can break down and just let the tears fall.  I think about life when my husbands gone.  We've had open discussions about it. 

I think one of the very best things my husband and I ever did - was when he was diagnosed - we had a very frank discussion.  we wouldn't hold back anything - and we wouldn't hold it against each other. we would use code words if it things were getting too hard.  I could tell him that he was a jerk - when he was teasing me too much - and he'd stop.  He could tell me that I was 'hovering'  and I would go to my room for a while and stop.  It's helped us this past year to keep it open between us, keep the sanity between us and keep our love growing.

And, like you, I think the very best thing I can do - is to take care of him the best way I can.  But sometimes it's just so hard. 

I never looked at it as an opportunity. I've questioned  - why me.  why now.  why him. 

After radiation - I kept up the foot massages - even after his skin cleared.  And now every day, he looks forward to it.  and I look forward to having a little intimacy.  Even if it's as cheesy as a foot rub. 

He doesn't have many visitors during the day, but when I come home from work - sometimes surprising him by getting home early - just for him.  I always spend the rest of the evening in his room, with him, talking, watching him snooze, watching tv, being there.. comforting him.  Listening to his wishes and his concerns. Even listening when he's irritated and frustrated.  

Thank you for making me feel as if this journey is something rewarding instead of a burden or feeling like I'm the local whipping post.  I needed to hear what you had to say.

Go Lady,

nothing cheesy about a foot rub. I love waking up to find my wife holding my hand, makes me feel on top of the world again.

Keep up the love

Regards

ColinW