My heart is breaking

I have been posting and reading messages on this board since May 2008 and have gained strength when things were hard.

I am now at my lowest point since my mum was diagnosed with Cervical cancer in May 2008. She now has secondary lung and liver cancer and only has weeks left.  I am trying to be strong for her and my 2 daughters.

I have cared for her throughout her cancer and although she didn't initially want to have any treatment for the cervical cancer, she was bullied by her doctor to have chemo, radiotherapy & bracytherapy. He promised her she would be cured and after her last treatment held her hand and told her he was her best friend and that she would have another 10 years.

I was sad when my dad was dying of lung cancer 9 years ago, but this time I feel more lost. I feel like the last person in my family is leaving me and I feel so alone. I don't have any brothers or sisters and I am a single parent.

I am grieving like she has already died and I don't think this is normal. I can't stop crying and I don't want her to see me like this as it will make her last weeks more difficult.

How have others coped with grief and made this not so heartbreaking?? Time does heal but how do you get by in the meantime?

Cheers

R

 

Hi R  Im not experiencing what your are right now, but my heart flew out to you darling and i just want to tell you that I hear you and please dont be afraid. The children of yours need to see you celebrate your mums life now, try to create some happy moments even though they are short [mum been very tired] with her and you all together as a family.  Death and the idea of death is such unnatural thing[ our enemy ]of course you are greiving now and its not wrong. Mybe as a suggestion ask the children what they would like to do for their grandmother while she is here. Even if its a little tea party assuming they are really young or a party with friends to hug her and reassure. It will give you something positive to focus on and keep your mind busy...you dont have to just stand by and let death come and take her away from you.  positive fun stuff will keep her with you longer. Have a princess crown party....Im doing this with someone else who is losing someone too and its been really fun.  I have lots of idea and as an artist Im happy to help here. It would make a wonderful picture of you all together with beautiful Princess crowns.  In my mind and heart its just a send off a bon voyage party for now ok just as much as death is unnatural ..then Life is natural and can be restored in what ever way our creator deems it to happen...be assurred you will see your mother again so wish her peaceful journey and hug her heaps letting her know that in the blink of an eye you will all be together again. Your not alone ok you have family the lovely children and they need mum whole and complete and healthy and happy for them so they can continue to grow you have so much to share in life yet.  Take care be so very Brave my heart to you hugs Michelle  

roula -

I am sorry you are going through a heartbreaking time. I feel your pain and my heart of all hearts goes out to you. I lost my father about 4 months ago to liver cancer and it was an emotional roller coaster for the last 2.5 yrs of care giving so I know exactly what you are going through.

Do what you can to help yourself process your emotions at this time - talk to girlfriends, close family members, church members if you know any or a counselor, and journal. It's important for you to cry it out, talk it out, write it out.

The worst you can do is bottle up the emotions or walk this journey by yourself without reaching out to others. It's ok to feel the emotions you are feeling, but try to work through each emotion so it doesn't get the best of you. 

 If  you believe in prayers, make good on them to bring you comfort and strength. Truly, there are no "right" ways to handle your grief, but there are healthy ways that will strenghten you in hope, courage and strength.

Please know that there are somethings you just can't control, but the best thing you can do is just be there for your mother and keep her comfortable. At the same time, don't forget to take time for yourself as selfish as it may sound at this time - you must take time out to recoup so you can be the greatest single mother that you are and to allow yourself to put things into perspective.

I pray that you will find comfort and strength during this challenging time. 

God bless you.

Thank you so much to all of you for your kind and comforting words. And thank you for the private reply as well.

Even though nothing will change the inevitable, it helps to hear your words of encouragment.

I am trying to make my mum as comfortable as possible but I need to open up and tell her how I feel. At the moment I can't open up as it is too painfull. By not talking openly with her I feel that I am prolonging what is going to happen. I guess its because she has been living with me for the last two and a half years and I have been looking after her for that time.

Anyway I really appreciate your support and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I also wish all of you the best of strength as I guess you all have your own pain and grief to deal with, otherwise you wouldn't be on this site.

God bless you all and thank you again

R 

 

 

Roula,

I am so sorry that you are going through this. My mom died from cervical cancer on december 11th. I never gave up hope. I did what you are doing.I was with her tll the day she died but i would cry constantly. I thought how do i move on without my mom.She is my best friend.I wished that someone would tell me this is a bad dream.In seven months i saw my moms life sucked out of her.She was in so much pain.She was suffering.So what you are going through is normal.You will always think should have would have.There is nothing you can possibly do to make it better.I cried to my mom at times.Cause she is still my mom and she would always know how to make me feel better.I know it is so hard to be strong if front of them.I did not cry in front of her all the time.I walked out of her room most of the time and told her i was getting a drink.It is so hard .I wish i could say something to make you feel better. I am here if you have any questions.My prayers are with you and your family.

Roula,

I lost my 29 year old daughter to cervical cancer on October 6, 2007. She was diagnosed three years earlier and had a radical hysterectomy,chemo and radiation. She was fine for two years and the cancer came back with a vengeance. She had it in her liver,lung and bone. She fought valiantly for 6 months. At the end, she was in a lot of pain and barely able to breath, but she wouldn't let go. She was lucid and alert until the last hours when she went unconcious. Even then she kept fighting. The morning she passed away my wife and I talked to her and we knew we had to tell her it was ok to let go and stop fighting.  We will always believe that in some ways she was fighting for us.  Within minutes of us telling her it was ok to stop fighting, she seemed to relax and her heart rate and breathing slowed down and finally she passed away. As parents, we only want what is best for our children. We never cried in front of her because we didn't want to upset her.  I  believe with all my heart that much of her courage and strength were for our benefit. Sometimes we have to let them know that we will be ok, even if we won't. They need to know that we will be ok.

I am far from being an expert, but I suggest you tell her that you love her and that you will be ok and try to spend as much time with her as you can. Find a friend to talk to or find a support group in your area. Getting your feelings out will help you deal with what is coming.  I can say that initially you will feel a sense of relief that her struggle is over and that she has no more pain. You may also feel guilty about feeling relief. This too will pass. Thats when the grief will come. As for lessening the pain of losing her, I don't believe that ever happens....you just get better at dealing with the grief.  I miss my daughter more each day that goes by, and I still cry everyday. I cope by trying to visualize her smile and hearing her laughter in my mind.

I too lost my mom to cancer 25 years ago, and when she was sick she told me that "God will never give you more than you are capable of handling".  I passed that on to my daughter while she was undergoing her treatment and she seemed to take solice in that. Now I would like to pass that on to you and your mom.  You will get through it. but now is time to just be with your mom and tell her how much you love her.

My wife and I will pray for your mom and you and are available if you want to chat. God bless you both.

A father who misses his daughter  

 

On 2/6/2009 Harry5177 wrote:

Roula,

I lost my 29 year old daughter to cervical cancer on October 6, 2007. She was diagnosed three years earlier and had a radical hysterectomy,chemo and radiation. She was fine for two years and the cancer came back with a vengeance. She had it in her liver,lung and bone. She fought valiantly for 6 months. At the end, she was in a lot of pain and barely able to breath, but she wouldn't let go. She was lucid and alert until the last hours when she went unconcious. Even then she kept fighting. The morning she passed away my wife and I talked to her and we knew we had to tell her it was ok to let go and stop fighting.  We will always believe that in some ways she was fighting for us.  Within minutes of us telling her it was ok to stop fighting, she seemed to relax and her heart rate and breathing slowed down and finally she passed away. As parents, we only want what is best for our children. We never cried in front of her because we didn't want to upset her.  I  believe with all my heart that much of her courage and strength were for our benefit. Sometimes we have to let them know that we will be ok, even if we won't. They need to know that we will be ok.

I am far from being an expert, but I suggest you tell her that you love her and that you will be ok and try to spend as much time with her as you can. Find a friend to talk to or find a support group in your area. Getting your feelings out will help you deal with what is coming.  I can say that initially you will feel a sense of relief that her struggle is over and that she has no more pain. You may also feel guilty about feeling relief. This too will pass. Thats when the grief will come. As for lessening the pain of losing her, I don't believe that ever happens....you just get better at dealing with the grief.  I miss my daughter more each day that goes by, and I still cry everyday. I cope by trying to visualize her smile and hearing her laughter in my mind.

I too lost my mom to cancer 25 years ago, and when she was sick she told me that "God will never give you more than you are capable of handling".  I passed that on to my daughter while she was undergoing her treatment and she seemed to take solice in that. Now I would like to pass that on to you and your mom.  You will get through it. but now is time to just be with your mom and tell her how much you love her.

My wife and I will pray for your mom and you and are available if you want to chat. God bless you both.

A father who misses his daughter  

 

Harry,

Thank you so much for your kind words and my heart goes out to you.

As hard as it is for me to watch my mom die, I can't even begin to imagine what it would be like to lose a child. I have two adult daughters myself and would not be able to pick myself up if anything happened to either one of them. They are my life.

Going before your child would be the hardest thing anyone could go through. I am so sorry for your loss and I hope you and your wife find the strength you need to go on.

Thank you again for your words of support, it looks like she may have a month or so left, although no-one knows what is around the corner.

And thank you to everyone else who has written to me with kindness. I'm sorry I haven't repplied sooner.

God bless you all, it really helps to hear from others in a similar situation.

Cheers

Roula