Hi Ninasuzie,
I'm sorry you had to join this club. Scary and disheartening stuff, that's for sure.
I am a big advocate of breast conservation for most women, but invasive cancer can be quite a different beast. While they can't accurately stage the cancer until the surgery, were they able to grade it based on the biopsy, and have they been able to say how aggressive they think it is? With staging, the lower the number the better, but with grading, the opposite is true - the higher the grade number the better. So, if this is a not very aggressive cancer with a higher grade, you might be ok with a very thorough lumpectomy. However, if this is aggressive (as it might be - 4.5 cm is a pretty big tumor) and/or low grade, you might do well to consider telling them to just take the whole thing so as to maximize the chances of removing all the cancer. (Also, consider - if the margins AREN'T clear when they do the path exam of tissue from your lumpectomy - as happened with me - you're gonna have to have a 2nd surgery anyway, at which time they may or may not be able to conserve remaining breast tissue, depending upon the location of the tumor in the breast.)
I think societies through out the ages have done women a HUGE disservice to place so much emphasis on the breasts in terms of what constitutes attractiveness and social worth. Breasts play such a huge role for many women in terms of self image, but I think that's a learned process rather than a trait we are born with. While our breasts are indeed part of WHAT we are, they really are not WHO we are; WHO we perceive ourselves to be results from the very active decisions we make about how to respond to the world around us. Consider the great women of our time, some of whom are (or were) actually quite flat-chested (and no, I'm not just talking about Twiggy! Katherine Hepburn, yes!) They forged ahead with life regardless of how much padding they did or didn't have!
To combine the comments of two other frequent posters to the board: They're just boobs. You can replace the girls, but you can't replace your life!
I wish you the best in making this tough decision, and in your treatment. Please keep us posted on how you are doing. Cancer Compass is one of the greatest clubs in the world - we collectively try to support those in need, and we all love to do the happy dance when we hear good news!
Take care,
Tre