when does patient need physical help?

My first question is does your friend have someone to be there with her when she has her surgery - to go with her to the hospital, to wait through the surgery and then to be there for her when she gets out of recovery ?  Does she have someone to take her home, and to be with her for the first few days, or a week or so, until she's able to start cooking and doing light activity for herself?  If the answer to these questions is no, then you should find out when she's having her surgery, get your ticket paid for, and pack your bag.

If she doesn't need your physical help at this time, then it might be more a question of emotional support.  Does she have someone there who can present a shoulder to cry on if she's scared? Ask her if she would like you to be there for morale support when she has her surgery, and the first few days or so afterward.  If she says yes, and it's doable for you, then I certainly would make the trip.

I also would consider going a little bit in advance in either situation - certainly you would need to be there the day before surgery, but even a day or two before that might be really nice for her if it's doable for you.  Can be a real good thing to have that kind of support available as the anxiety of having this thing done and the uncertainty it entails mount up.  I know it was very important to me to have both my partner's physical and emotional support when I had my surgeries (3 major surgeries in 4months time).

More than 20 years ago I had a friend who had a radical mastectomy with immediate implant of a saline prosthesis.  I didn't find out about her diagnosis until several days after she'd had her surgery.  (She had not told me because she didn't want me to worry, and she didn't want me to miss work making a trip to see her.  I JUST HAPPENED to call her a few hours after she got home from the hospital, and she told me then what had happened.) I immediately dropped everything - scheduled emergency vacation and drove from KY to PA to give her some support, despite her assurance that my visit wasn't needed.   I arrived at her house about 3 or days after her surgery, and stayed a little longer than a week. It's a good thing, too - her teen-age sister was doing ok with my friends kids, but by the time I got there my friend was exhausted and very emotionally frazzled, and REALLY needed another adult in the house.  I drove her the 3 hour drive for her post-op visit to the Cleveland Clinic to get her biopsy results and discuss therapy, and spent a few days helping her with rehab exercises and just getting her head around the idea of chemo and radiation and trying to take care of her  family.  She said my presence was truly a god-send at that time.  I have never ever regretted making that trip.

If you're friend says there's no need for you to be there now, it's still your decision - you know the dynamics of the friendship and how likely she is to be realistic - so make your best judgement and act on your conscience.

What your friend's  treatment might be after surgery at this point is probably not really known - they may have said this or that, but really until the surgeon gets in there and gets a good look and they find out just how much they have to remove, how involved it is, they really can't say with absolute certainty what further treatment will need to be.

So, talk to your friend about it.  Tell her you want to know what she's going to have to go through once she's able to give you a more definite answer. Help her get through the surgery and immediate recovery if you can, and if it seems like that is needed.  After that, go with the flow  - but certainly make it known that you expect her to be upfront with you, and actually tell you if she needs help!

I wish her, and you, the very best.

Sincerely,

Tre

I totally agree with everything Tree had to say (she is THE guru on this site).  I will throw in my experience and ideas.  I needed the support of others when I had my biopsy and diagnosis (July 2004).  But at times I was overwhelmed by the attention--and simply wanted to be alone.  I found that often trying to be "cheery"  and make conversation was exhausting.  It all comes down to how close your relationship is with the person.  Do you know her well enough to pick up the signs that she IS exhausted, either physically or emotionally?  I am a "card sender."  It is a passion of mine to try to "touch someone" by sending them just a little note that says, "I am thinking about you; I care about you."  I also love to include a little quote.  I make little magnets with quotes that I send to people and provide at the local Cancer Center.  My little magnet quotes are often put on patients' trays when they are getting lunch while receiving chemo.  There has been a great response to these little thoughts.  When you cannot be with your friend, particularly after you return home, do make it a habit to just send a little note.  I think everyone loves to get mail.  All the cards I got during my surgeries--well, I would just read them over and over.  And Now--4 1/2 years later--I can revisit all the wonderful sentiments.  Sharing a quote with you:  "Become a possibilitarian.  No matter how dark things seem to be or actually are, raise your sights and see possibilities--always see them, for they're always there."