Feeling Guilty About Moms Death

Hi, my mother passed away a year and a half ago and I think I am blocking my grief. I think about her and I miss her, but when I start to remember what happened with her I immediately sort of change topics to something else and move on. But there are so many things that remind me of her. I think the main reason why I am blocking it may be because I feel like I caused her to have cancer in a way. I know that sounds strange, but the previous couple of years before my mother developed lung cancer which spread to her brain, I had alot of problems in my life such as my fiance cheating on me and leaving me. Also, I met someone new was was supposed to be a "christian" and they were cheating on me while I was trying to take care of my mother in the early stages of cancer. But I was alway so depressed. It just seemed like to matter what I did I couldn't trust anybody and I turned to my mother for emotional support. After my fiance left, I lost 37 pounds, lost my jobs, and basically just fell apart. My mother picked me up though. She would buy me nice clothes to try to get self esteem back up, cook me wonderful meals to try to get me to gain wait again, she put me to work in the garden helping her plant flowers. But I know I drained her and it took all her energy to pick me up. This on top of her own problems. I feel so awful. If had just been a stronger person, if I had just told my fiance to get lost and gotten over her, if I had just been a happier person for my mother maybe she wouldn't have gotten so drained and gotten cancer. I feel terrible.

On top of everyting else. My mother actually worked in a doctors office when she developed cancer. She actually sat in doctors office all day for two or three months coughing and hacking and her boss the doctor just kept telling her that it was a mild case of pneumonia and to take antibiodics for it. 3 MONTHS she sat there right beside a man that she trusted and she had worked for him for 15 years. She would bring him lunch, she always gave him a present at Christmas, she was always good to him. And it makes me so damn mad to think that he didn't even take a second look at her. One of my mothers friends actually had to go her boss the "doctor" and ask him to take a look at her because she thought something was wrong. Throughout her entire fight with cancer she trusted this same doctor. He just told her to go to this local clinic and they would help her. She fought cancer for a year at this "experimental" cancer facility and then died. I have so many emotions I don't know where to begin. I'm angry at myself for falling apart, I'm angry at her doctor for not even trying to help her. I don't know what to do or if I'll ever work though these emotions.

Thanks for reading my message,

Rick

It seems you could have a problem with forgiveness. First of all, you are not responsible for your moms death. She had cancer...it happens. You need to let that one go. Forgive yourself for falling apart. I'm sure she was happy to be there for you. Also, its ok to think of her and talk about her. Its how our loved ones live on....in our hearts.
Sounds like you also need to forgive the doctor where she worked. What happened is too bad, but he is human. We make mistakes. If we could forgive others as God forgave us, we would be have less guilt and be much happier.
God bless.

Hi there- I lost my dear Mother a month ago and I am feeling so many excruciatingly painful feelings it's horrible. I, too experienced relationship nightmare situations , deppression etc. All the while my Mother who was losing weight was supporting me emotionally and I wasn't "getting it" that her weight loss would be due to Cancer ... I was so troubled about my scenario that I just figured the weight loss was happening because she was getting up in years..
Then she began getting check ups because her stomache was aching and although she was feeling some pain she never really expressed it to me- at the time. To make a nightmare story short- she was finally diagnosed with Cancer and I am thankful that I set my issues with "stupid people" aside and spent everyday and night by her side whether at the hospital or at home until the the day she passed away- but I hurt like crazy when I think about the times I wasted making her worry about me. She was everything to me and we did share a lot of fantastic times together and had a unique and special bond. It sounds like you and your Mom did, too if she was so supportive during your time of relationship troubles. As far as, the Doctor your Mother worked with I can't say I know him but to say he is "only human" when so many of them have an attitude of thinking that they are "God" is a cop-out. He should have gotten a clue.Even the doctors that My Mom and I dealt with were Ass holes- I don't know if their attitude was because she was "older" or because the state of California has gone down hill in the way of medicare/medical and (not many doctors accept either of those) or that her Cancer was so advanced that there was nothing they could do but be jerks.Who knows.. I know that this all really hurts like hell and I can relate to what you are saying. What's scary is that I don't know either if I'll be able to sort through these feelings- it's only been a month and all I can think of is her last days and that I was feeding her ice chips trying desperately to hold back the sobs. It all sucks and I am still very devastated. But we gotta stay strong...and know that we were lucky as hell to have had Mothers with such great love for us.
L.

I'm sorry to hear about your loss. It's only been a month, so I'm sure you have a lot of things you want to work through in your head. It's coming up on a year and half now for me and believe me things have gotten better. Just don't try to make yourself get over it. Take your time and let yourself kind of go through the emotions as they come. Losing somebody and losing somebody and feeling partially guilty about it are completely different. I think you have to forgive yourself before you can really start to understand the loss of your mom. I know I did. I do feel guilty, but I also realize that everybodies human and the things that my fiance did to me were horrible and the fact that I met someone else after her that cheated on me while my mother was sick was even worse. But you have to realize that we things happen to you in life you have to experience all of the emotions that come along with it. You can't just shut them off. It's part of who you are. I'm sure your mother was glad to be there for you and I'm sure she knew that you had problems in your life when she was sick and she respected you for helping her while you were struggling yourself.

If I've learned anything for this experience in the past year and a half is that I spent a lot of time upset about situations that were not in my control. I was associated with the wrong kind of people who had no intergrity and because of that, it brought me down as a person and in turn made everyone around me who cared for me upset as well. Now I can say that I'm a different person. If I'm in a relationship or a friendship and that relationship becomes draining to me or I detect dishonesty I am immediately emtionally unattached. It's taken a while to do that. But now I live my life and I have people in my life that I care about, but if something occurs were someone is taking advantage of me or lieing to me I am over it immediately and all the rest of my friends don't suffer for it by seeing me so upset. I have to be stronger now because my mother isn't there and so do you. I know that I will see her again someday, but I am going to make my life on this planet the best I can and the happiest possible not only for me but for the people in my life who love me and she would take comfort in that. In short I choose to live life, love life and if anybody gets in the way of that happiness or tries to bullshit me they can xxxxx off. I wish I could go back in time to when my fiance was sleeping with her boss behind my back and just say, "Why don't you go straght to hell and never call me again." My mom, would have been so proud of me and that's the attitude I have now.