Emotional Support for Older Children

I am new to this site.  I'm 48 eight years old and my Mother has been battling breast cancer for the past 4 years.  I don't use the term battle lightly.  She had a mastectomy 4 years ago followed by chemo which had minimal side affects for her.  As a family, we thought we got off pretty easy.

 A year and a half ago, extreme fagtigue and shortness of breath lead to a new diagnoses...the breast cancer was back and has metasticized (sp) in her lungs, liver and bones.  She's practically immobile right now due to back and hip pain.  Her rhumetoid arthritis adds to her pain and inability to get around better.

I've tried to be strong calling upon God for a miracle (there isn't one yet), and I'm reading books and talking to a counselor from time to time.  I was a wreck right after she was re-diagnosed and decided I better get my act together so I could be there for her.  My Dad and I are not very close; he's very depressed and is dealing with his own health issues.  I have one younger sister who isn't around very much.  I got angry about that from time to time.

The tumors on my Mom's liver are increasing so her onc. is going to put her on Taxol, most likely.  She's been on Navelbean and has had few side effects.  Her lungs and bones are stable.  I've decided to stay positive and will support her as long as she wants to continue the battle.

I called ABCD (After Breast Cancer Diagnosis) help line several months ago and was disappointed that they did not have a mentoring program for childen of breast cancer patients. 

 I would love to hear from other older children about what they are experiencing and how they are coping with a parent's serious illness.  Nothing prepares a person for this.  I feel so lost some times.

 Lilly's Mom

This site offers free counseling for patients and families:

www.cancercare.org
1-800-813-4673

There is no RIGHT way to get through this.  Just do the best you can, and you just have to trust that will be good enough.  Take things one day at a time, and if you need to, one hour at a time.  The only moment we have any influence over in life is the moment we are in right now.  So make each moment the best you can.  If you are overwhelmed, stop, step back, take some slow deep breaths, and refocus on whatever the task is at hand.

You need to make sure you are taking good care of yourself, also.  A broken down caregiver is no good to anyone.  Make it a point to include laughter as part of every day - even if at first it is forced laughter, that's still ok.  Laughter is a non-discrimination therapy - it will bring about positive body chemical changes regardless of whether the laughter is real or not.  Exercise your senses by reason of use:  make yourself see humor in everyday life, and laugh out loud.  Ask those around you to help.

Also, share the humor with your mom.  Rather than seeming to make fun of her situation, shared humor is very important for her also, because it emphasizes the normalcy of everyday life (which can be very reassuring to someone who is very ill), and shows her that she is loved and still considered to be an important part of the family.

Make sure to talk to your mom, about anything and everything. Encourage everyone else to do the same.  Keep her in the loop, unless she tells you otherwise.

At some point things may start looking very grim for your mom.  This is an excellent preparatory article about end-stage cancer:

http://www.virtualtrials.com/btlinks/death.cfm

 Sincerely,

Tre