I miss you, mom

the last time i came on this to post something was back in october 2008 when my mom had a horrible seizure. i was in the hospital as i wrote that and tonight was the first time i've read it since then.



it brings tears to my eyes, yet i'm grateful that i captured my feelings at that very moment. fear, anxiety, and doubt. since that time my mother has passed. she passed at 7am december 25th, 2008...christmas morning. if you had known my mother, you would think she almost did that purposely, as if trying to steal God's thunder. (always an attention seeker) but it's why we all loved her so much. her spirit, her laughter, and that big smile that i feel lucky to have inherited.



everyday is a struggle and not a minute goes by where i don't think about her. my heart has permanently been broken and i'll probably never experience such pain but i find relief knowing she's not suffering anymore. the last two months of her life were ones that i hope nobody else has to endure. she wasn't the same person. she wasn't 'mom.' she became a stranger to me and i struggled to find the mom i confided in, my best friend. i tried anything to make her smile like doing her hair extra poofy how she liked it, by doing her make-up, taking her outside...i cry as i write these memories of her, but i hope someone can find comfort in it as well. because although the physical being of someone is gone, you will always be flooded with memories and feel their presence when you need it the most.



i remember one day i came home from school and i felt overwhelmed with grief and i began sobbing. i cried all the way to her bedroom where i laid down on her side of the bed and crawled into a ball calling out 'mom' over and over. i felt my dog jump on the bed but i didn't turn to give him attention. i faced the wall and kept crying. he left after only a few seconds but when i was done wiping my tears i turned around and there sat one of his favorite stuffed animals. i must add that my dog has a huge basket of toys in the house but he just happened to pick the stuffed dog toy that has a collar around it that says 'love.' call me crazy but i think my mom must have had a say in that.



i always used to love hearing stories like that from people who still feel their loved ones around them. for my mother's gravemarker we chose a great quote. "gone from our sight, but never our memories. gone from our touch, but never our hearts."



if anybody else has gone through something similar or is going through it right now, i'd love to hear thoughts, questions, stories. take care everyone. <3

My brother passed in January from liver cancer only six weeks after his diagnosis and prognosis.  We tried everything to save and/or extend his life - traveled to different cancer centers and arranged for him to participate in a clinical trial.  But he went into a coma before he could begin, and passed away after ten days.

Though I frantically sought help, I think I was in denial that he was terminally ill with such a dire prognosis.  We were so very close to each other and had a great, abiding love for each other...and I still love him deeply - always will.  I loved him so much I would have given my life for him.  I held his hand and prayed God would give me his illness and give him my life energy and good luck.

He was the one person I could always rely on and trust.  He was extraordinary, brilliant, and the most wonderful person in the world.  And he helped so many people during his short life.  He was nine years younger, and I always expected him to outlive me, but it was not to be. 

I will never recover from his passing.  Not ever.  He was my life force, the source of my joy, and he meant everything to me.

I can't go into the details of his passing, but I can say it was the most painful experience I've ever had or ever will have.  Having lost him, I can lose anything or anyone now.

After his passing, I kept talking to him - telling him I needed to hear from him.  Told him I needed to know he was ok.  On April 24th, which would have been his birthday, a tape of his suddenly appeared and made me scream with laughter.  I have since found notes and cards he sent me through the years.  I interpret all that as him saying to me that he's fine, that he's with me, and that it's ok to laugh.  He wants me to pick up the pieces and move forward, knowing he is with me and aways will be.  He gave me what I needed to move forward, and it was just like him to get those messages to me.

I know he's with me always.  Love never dies, and he will stay with me until I leave.  When I leave, we'll have a great reunion.  "Til then, he has reassured me that he's just fine and that I must move forward, knowing that he is and always will be by my side.

I love him dearly, and always will.  The pain continues and will always be there, but he has assured me that he's with me - always.

The best to you and yours...