Depression

I was diagnosed 4 years ago. My journey became one where I lost both breasts, two failed reconstruction surgeries, systemic infection, and a total hysterectomy and my ovaries removed. But that is not all of the story, my orignal surgeon did not take the entire breast as he said he did in his op report and did not tell me, which set off a chain of events. I am no longer a candidate for recon surg, and now have C-Diff infection which I spent five days in the hospital with. I have been on Zoloft and Lexapro, which a some point you just do not feel anything. I am very angry as I have gained 20 additional pounds, I look at the scars on my chest, and I just cannot get past the anger. Any advice?

Dear Karen P. Your letter brought back some dreadful memories of mine. Mastectomies, reluctance on the part of the surgeons to reconstruct then eventually had it done and it was a success though the reconstruction revision 'a few adjustments' meant more trouble and 7 years later still incomplete. What is C-Diff infection? is it your infection that prevents more reconstructive surgery or a surgical problem?
Get second, third, or as many opinions as you can, gather notes, always write down what you asked and the reply, take someone with you to write it all down - recap on parts you don't understand. Or ask if you can record the consultation. You will learn so much more. There are tissue expanders that can be inserted into your back/side/lower chest to harvest tissue that can be brought to the front. A drawn out process but it might mean that you get reconstruction. I am in UK where are you? Try writing to implant manufacturers for advice. Look for the most qualified surgeon through your countries' surgical associations and if you have to travel then do so. Look for breast reconstruction specialists - the augmentation surgeons are not the best port of call.
Use that depression energy to get constructive, use the anger to develop your mind, learn about every aspect of reconstruction. Look up the different types of flaps e.g the bottom can be used, look up microsurgery on the net, look up anything and everything to do with breast reconstruction. Look up silicone gel healing strips. Print off anything you find of value, get a folder and file all your research, add notes to it. I had five folders at the end of the year and my mood lifted the day I began researching. If your mood improves then you can reduce the tablets and finally get off them, then the weight will begin to disappear. Feel good about the way you are handling your problems and this will lead you to even more goal setting. Then you can diet, exercise or whatever,- you have the power.
I know what you mean about all the scars on the chest and scars on the chest and no breasts are considerably worse than scars on the chest and some breasts. Scars do fade but shape and feeling female is the important thing here. Make yourself wear prostheses, make yourself really glamorous, find a good support group for depression and another for breast problems. Set yourself goals but nothing too big at first. Talk to breast care nurses, local radio, local TV, you can use a different name. Is there any chance that you could sue the first surgeon? Look for free consultations, ask for recommendations.
Whatever you decide to do record it and file it and I know you are strong as you've already made the first move by writing here. Let me know how you get on as I am very interested and I fully empathise with you.
Just a couple of tips, take arnica pills as per instructions and massage daily with aloe vera cream/lotion/gel.(not expensive) both good for healing. They were recommened by the top cancer hospital in UK. I am sending you the biggest hug ever, Velvet

You have ever right to feel angry, disappointed, and even betrayed. You were! Nothing, unforunately, can undo what has wrongly been done to you. But through it all, you have managed somehow to cope-maybe more at times than others, but it's still coping! Talk about a person possessing strength.
Though it may seem like you feel consumed with what's wrong and tragic, you have so much strength in sharing your story and reaching out for help. Being that we are members on a website dealing with cancer, it's probably safe to say we all agree life is unfair- and sadly, with no rhyme or reason. Some things in life are done to us, and as hard as it is, we are left to pick up what pieces are left. I am glad to see you are not trying to carry this alone. Ask for help? Find out how others gain strength in their lowest times. Read books on resilency (Al Siebert "Survior Personality" is one I like). And, sometimes it's just about recognizing what strength you already have-you just have to stop long enough to see it/believe it! And it sounds like you have a lot of strength and perseverance. You sound like quite the fighter, even if you feel battered and bruised! Hang in there, and don't forget to give yourself credit for all you have gone through in the past 4 years. You have a world of support!!
Sincerely, Jamie
Please keep me posted-

Dear Velvet, I have been to the top recon surgeon in Los Angeles, he is head of Plastics and Recon at the USC Norris Cancer Center. The option that was left was the flap from my lower abdomen with microvascular re-implat, because of the systemic infection I was not a good surgical candidate and would not survive the anesthesia. The prosthetics would not work for me, I am 44 years young ha ha---and I for excercise ride horses two-four days per week. They were heavy and would not be a good option. I did sue the orginial surgeon and won, not alot but hopefully, he would never do this to another patient ever again. I took myself off the anti-depressant drugs, but there is just the feeling that I get that, when people stare, or the better one is because I wear my hair short, I have been called sir. I will just turn around and look at the person, and ask what did you just call me? C-Diff is severe infection in the GI Tract....Karen:)