my mom died

Dear new friends.,

i wrote a little while ago, like in April. i haven't had time to get back, i was asking what to expect. nothing could of really prepared me. Mom died 2 weeks and 3 days after being diagnosed with PC. I went into shock from the beginning to the end. I am still a little in shock, it all happened so fast. I am finally starting to express some emotion, a little, after not crying at all at the funeral. I miss her so much, my dad is VERY sad. maybe someone could tell me what to say to help him? I am living at his house right now. luckily I am single and able to do this. Mom was 75 and he is 78. they were married for 56 1/2 years. Maybe someone could help me help myself as well.

Thank you for your time,

I will be watching for responses,

Debra

Debra,

Words can not express what has happened. Your parents are a true testement to Love, marriage, and commitment.. I am glad you are there for your Dad as well. Tell him you love him as you know your Mom did as well. God Bless

Damon

I am very sorry to hear about your loss. My wifes mother nearly died one day 3 years ago to pancreatic cancer. Now, even after whipple surgery we have to watch it all over again as she now has it in her lungs and the year they gave in August is alomst up. . Yesterday she had her last chemo treatment. We beleive she has been hanging on to meet her new grand daughter as we are expecting her in July.

There reall isn't much one can do for a loved one except love them. Tender words and memories can help releive the pain, but only time will and prayer will ease the emptiness. We were fortunate to have another 3 years with her, but sometimes ignorance is bliss. Having someone pass and watching them pass slowly can be just as hard, becuase either in one day or day by day you see the person you have loved your whole life diminish. Your father is a brave man and I am sure that he was with her until the end.  You can tell him this...: your father is an example to us all. 56 years of marriage is a dream to most people. A loving father and husband are the true measures of a man. Tell him that he was a good husband and your mother loved him dearly and that you are proud of him. Death is only a small part of the rest of ones life, and they will be together again one day. I belive that our souls find true love and it sounds like your mother and father had just that". I only have deepest sypmathy for him becuase I love my wife more than life. I cant imagin how he feels.  I whish you both the best and will keep you in my prayers, as someone who is about to lose a very close friend and mother.. God bless you both.

Debra,

I am so sorry the journey you and your father have been on has ended so soon and so terribly shockingly for you both.

You might want to visit the online Bereavement Board which is part of the Pancreatic Cancer Support Board provided by Johns Hopkins.  You will be able to share your experiences with others who have lost a loved one and perhaps gain some relief for yourself and your father.  You can google their name to find the web address.  There are also in-person support groups which might be more your father's style.

Blessings on both of you.

Joan L 

 

On 5/28/2009 a_lien_23 wrote:

Dear new friends.,

i wrote a little while ago, like in April. i haven't had time to get back, i was asking what to expect. nothing could of really prepared me. Mom died 2 weeks and 3 days after being diagnosed with PC. I went into shock from the beginning to the end. I am still a little in shock, it all happened so fast. I am finally starting to express some emotion, a little, after not crying at all at the funeral. I miss her so much, my dad is VERY sad. maybe someone could tell me what to say to help him? I am living at his house right now. luckily I am single and able to do this. Mom was 75 and he is 78. they were married for 56 1/2 years. Maybe someone could help me help myself as well.

Thank you for your time,

I will be watching for responses,

Debra

Debra, I am very sorry for your loss and know first-hand what you must be feeling. I too lost my mother very recently to PC, and within pretty much the same timeframe. It was a lot to take in and make sense of.

When I lost my mother, all I could think of was why her and why now and I had a lot of resentment and anger. She was in good health last year after a hip replacement and feeling very proud of herself for going through with the operation and feeling positive about being able to get back to some of the things she loved to do. Then she became ill over Christmas and was diagnosed in early March. She passed away on March 20th. So fast, so soon. It defies logic. 

It is nice that you and your Dad are together at this time to comfort each other. The consolation here (that I try to keep in mind) is that our mothers didn't suffer very long and that they are in a pain-free place of peace and  with those that have gone before. It's a tough reality to know that your loved one is no longer there to talk and laugh with and give a hug to in person, but they are still there, listening and watching. They are still very much around and will continue to be around through our lifetime. When it is our time, they will be there waiting for us. Talk to your Mom and tell her how you feel. This will help to give a voice to your feelings and you'll feel better for it.

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, the well known author of On Death and Dying, wrote many other books on this subject, but just before she passed at the age of 78, she completed a book with David Kessler called On Grief and Grieving. I am reading this book now and find it well written, insightful and very comforting. Perhaps it might help you and your Dad as well.  

Grief has many facets and will take its time and so be gentle with yourself and let it happen. I wish you and your Dad peace in the coming days. God bless. 

Debra

I am so terribly sorry about the loss of your beloved mom. I know only too well the pain you are feeling as I just lost my dad from this beast 5 months ago. It all seemed so quick, it was hard to get our arms around what was happening, and once we did, even with incredible care he was still gone. I can only tell you to remember that she is now at peace and you will see her again. As far as your dad, how lucky you can stay with him. I am married with 3 kids but try to see my mom daily.It is hard, but we did find a widow/widowers group through hospice which really seems to be helping, and she is certainly not the group joining kind of person. You don't have to have used hospice to benefit from their services. Be kind to yourself, and know you never get over it, but you will get through it.

 

I am very sorry for yours and your father's loss.  My husband died of pc 6 months ago.  Several people on this site sent me kind words of support.  As a new widow, the nights are still the worst for me; it is easier to stay busy during the day.  Both you and your father are really still in the numb phase.  I see that people have offered to you good info.  I lost a parent also to cancer (CLL)  2 years ago - my dad.  You do get that orphan feeling when losing a parent, no matter your age.  You are wise to seek advice and help from others, especially those who have been there.  Continue to find help for you and your dad - it may be different help you each need.  Best wishes.

Debra, please accept my deepest sympathy in the loss of your mother.  Also, your father is in my thoughts.  My mother passed away about 6 months to pc.  She had it for 4 months and we were fortunate to have spent much time together.  The pain that I feel without her is very real every day.  You and I are also in a fortunate position to spend time with our fathers.  How wonderful they were able to share 56 years!  I was proud of my parents and their 54 years.  Your father will be very lonely, especially around meals and in the evenings.  I have lunch with my father 3 to 4 times a week and I call him every day in the evening to break up his time alone.  In time, this may become less, or not.   It doesn't matter.  We talk so much about my mother.  Sometimes her illness, sometimes events in the past.  It really doesn't matter.  What does matter is that you talk and also keep your mother's memory alive and close to you both.  It is not easy living life without your mother and his loving wife.  Be there for each other and live each day as best as possible.  Don't look back one day and say, "If only I had done this or said that..."   No regrets.  You sound like a loving daughter and I'm sure your mother loved you back and was thankful to have you with her during these dark times.

Hi,

I'm so sorry for your loss!!!  It hurts to just think of it!  But, as a PC patient that has a family the is loved and is loving, the last thing I want for them is to morn to long (I know that morning is part of healing).

What I want is for the family to enjoy the many memories that we have shared over the years and rejoice in those good times.  I hope that they all hug and kiss and express their love to each other.  I hope they remember the life lessons I tried to teach them...and the lessons they taught me!  Mostly, I hope they laugh ALOT when they remember me, I hope they laugh till they cry!!

I bet your Mom had similiar thoughts,  Go give your Dad a hug and a kiss and tell him you love him!

God Bless,

MarkB.

Dear Joan,

thank you for your response to my message. I am so sorry for what you are going through. two different worlds we are in and yet the same.

i am wondering about the bereavment thing you mentioned. can you give me the website or do i go to john hopkins.com? i am not very savvy on the computer.

thanks again for your time,

Debra