in desparate need of advice

My 63 yr old mother-in-law has renal cancer. She has not been truthful with her 3 children or other family members as to how advance her cancer has become. I believe she may just be in denial. She has been hospitalized 3 times over the past 7months for sob. From what I have pieced together, she has had pleuredesis of both lungs on admission #1 and #2. While she was hospitalized her pmd confirmed that she does have renal cancer and was diagnosed over 3yrs ago. We were referred to the oncologist who did not offer any more information as to diagnosis or plan of care as per her wishes. She then started chemo and radiation treatments for .... From all the information that I have read about treatment of rcc, removal of the primary tumor/kidney (which was not done per her choice only) is necessary for any hope, so why chemo/rad  (palliatve?)About 3 wks ago she was admitted for the 3rd time again for sob where there was no medical intervention except for home O2. On friday the pmd spoke confidentially to her daughter and revealed that the cancer has metastazied to her lungs, and at this point there is nothing else that can be done and suggested hospice. I read alot of these message that are posted, and there is so much success and hope. Now that I am in the middle of my own crisis, why does it fell so gloomy and doomed? How can I enc my mother-in-law to let her children and family be involved in her care, and let her know she cannot do this on her own. At this point without any surgical intervention in the past and with the mets to the lungs, is palliative care our only option. This situation I know has to be rough on my mother-in-law, trying to protect her children from her suffering, but the not knowing is hurting them more because they feel left out. Without the full story, they don't know if they should have hope, or just wait for a phone call. All her 3 children lives in 3 different states away from her, the family goal is to have her move to SC where her son and I live and there is more family support from my mother-in-law's mother, and her many siblings. As of yesterday she was making plans to move into a new senior citizen apartment by herself, this option or thought in my opinion is not realistic. Our family needs some great intervention NOW. My mother-in-law is completely alert and oriented but is just making poor decisions at this point, how can we intervene, so musch precious time has already been lost.

 

Hi,

I don't quite understand.  Has she told her doctor not to give information to her children?  Maybe you are the person to talk to her and see what she is thinking and why she doesn't appear to want help from anyone.  Some times it is easier to say things in email instead of on the phone or in person.

 I'm certain she is scared and probably doesn't see how any one can help her if everyone lives so far away.  There is always hope no matter how bad it looks in the beginning and 63 is still young, especially if she has been in good health.  But you do have to get her talking and have an idea exactly what help you can offer. It is also very helpful to get a second opinion (after you figure out what is really going on).

I hope this helps some?  I'll say a prayer for you.

Shelley

Yes she is keeping the important details a secret. On her 1st admission, her adult daughter was at her hospital bedside, when the doctors came in to make rounds she asked her daughter to step out of the room so she could speak with them. I am sure she is scared, I know I would be too. If it wasn't for her medical doctor just telling us the little information as to her dx of rcc and how far it has progressed we would still believe it was just a breathing problem and a cyst on her kidney. I know it is difficult to understand, I myself is trying to make sense of it all. Thanks for your prayers and your insight.

I am sorry for your difficult position.   In the last 18 months, my 58 yr old husband has had 1 kidney removed, mets to the lungs and more recently mets to the brain.  He was on medication which was reducing the lung sites and when the brain mets showed up, he had radiation therapy and is doing well for now.  There is ALWAYS hope! 

However, in your case, the final decisions are ultimately up to your mother-in-law.  If she chooses to not involve her family in her care, all you can do is acknowledge her decision (you can say it would not be your choice) and support her decision and help her to be as comfortable as possible.   

Bookmum

You may be able to get some help from the hospital's social worker.  I, too, will say a prayer for you, your family and your mother-in-law.

I am sorry that your Mother-in Law refuses to allow her family to know what is really going on. Unfortunately the Drs hands are tied if she does not wish to share the results of her treatment with her family.  she may feel that she is sparing her loved ones pain by keeping them in the dark. maybe you could have somone tell her that this is not true. Cancer effects everyone in the family not just the patient. Allowing those you love help you makes fighting this monster alot easier.  She will not be able to do this on her own for much longer, I hope that someone can make her understand that.

Thanks to all of you for your kind words and prayers. My husband and I are going to NY this weekend. to speak with my mother in law to let her know that we are aware of how sick she is, and she does not have to travel this road alone. We cannot force her to come back home with us, but we are going to let her know that we would love and want her to come  with us. She is a very stubborn woman and at this point in time, we have realized that she has to do what she believes is right for her.  I hope she doesn't wait too long to make her decision or  get us involved so we know exactly what she wants in her last days.

Good Morning Daisy,

You are in between a rock and a hard place for sure. Although a person has there right not to let members of the family know there health issues, it does seem to hurt those that love and care for the person who is ill.

Has she always been more to herself? I hope she doesnt continue to go through this journey alone. No one deserves to to that. Where about in NY is your mom-in-law? I hope she realizes how special you are as a daughter-in-law and takes whats being offered to her. Best of luck to you and the family and prayers are out for you mom-in-law.!!

Travel safe..

lilsis