How Do You Move On When The Cancer Wins?

This is the first time I have seen this site and i was wanting some advice. My dad was 44 when he was diagnosed with cholangiocarcinoma. His diagnosis was in the end of January in 2002 and we lost him in July of that year. The cancer became apparent when he began to get the jaundice symptoms and severe abdominal pains. At first our doctor assuered us it wasn't cancer but with in a couple weeks we found out that he was wrong. At 17 that is the worst news someone can give you. They told us that he was a rare case and that he didn't have long but he proved them wrong. Aside from the previous symptoms he seemed fine but quickly the cancer progressed and he got worse. Eventually he became bedridden which was hard because he was an outdoors person. He went through chemo and whatever else they could find but it just seemed to make things worse. He never stopped fighting but the cancer won after six months. I thought watching him slowly fade away and knowing i had to be the one there for my family was the hardest part but i was wrong. How do you move on with life after that? The rest of my family has so why can't I? Leaving for school a month after he passed away didn't help and it has been a little over three years since he died. I'm not trying to kill anyones hopes of recovery but i was hoping someone could tell me how they let go and moved on. I will take anyones opinion at this point because i need to do this before i graduate from college in a few months.

Its OK to remember your father and think of him often. Its the way he can remain with you even in his absence. They say time heals all wounds. Hang in there and keep you head up.

"If I were asked to give what I consider the single most useful bit of advice for all humanity, it would be this: Expect trouble as an inevitable part of life, and when it comes, hold your head high. Look it squarely in the eye, and say, "I will be bigger than you. You cannot defeat me." - Ann Landers -

I am so sad that your dad was taken so early in life. It breaks my heart.




I lost my sister 13 years ago, and it took a while for me to move on with my life. She did not die from a horrible cancer - she was taken from us very quickly in a car accident, which I definitely think is easier than what you have gone through. I was also 17 when it happened, and left for college the following year. It haunted me for a long time. I found that therapy definitely helped me to pick up the pieces and try and move forward. Through constant effort over a period of time, I was able to move forward. But this didn't happen for a good 5-6 years, although it did not seem that long when I was going through it all. I still have bad days, but for the most part I am happy when I think of her. I eventually stopped thinking of her death when I thought of her; instead, I only remembered her life. And with some of the memories will come a bit of sadness for not being able to form new memories. But I can honestly say that I am so thankful for the 17 years I was able to have her in my life - her presence helped shape who I am today and I always laugh when I do something that is characteristic of her. I like to think of it as her living through me.




My friend was recently diagnosed with this cancer. As a result, I contacted a former co-worker who lost his wife to breast cancer. He told me that my friend may want to join a support group. Support groups and therapists are not for everyone, but I would definitely recommend giving it a try if you haven't already.

Dear Brandie,

I can see from your message how close you and your Dad were. He seemed to be the type of person who always wanted the best for you. I'm sure he would want you to enjoy the life God gave to you.

Three and a half years is more than enough time for the pain to lessen. I can tell you that your Dad is in a better place and will always be with you. I would suggest that you get some grief counseling as soon as possible.

Your Dad raised a wonderful daughter to give to the world. Do him proud and get out there and make a difference.

Rick

I appreciate all of your feedback. It has been helpful. I figured someone would say grief counseling but I have already been down that road. It's okay though. I read everything everyone said but truthfully it took hearing a song last night to make me realize that I'm not helping myself or my family being like this. I sleep to music every night and before I went to sleep "When I Get Where I'm Going" by Brad Paisley came on. I listened to the whole thing and when it was over I was smiling. I realized that I will see my dad again someday and that he would be upset with me for being like this. He would want me to move on and be happy and remember him at the same time. There is a reason that my stepfather enter our lives so I should use my time wisely and stop wasting it. I won't forget my dad but to be happy I need to move on. Again thanks for everything and have a happy holiday.

Hello Brandie,

I too lost my mother when i was 19 and she was only 44 years old when she passed away from Leukemia less than 3 months from diagnosis. It is almost 30 years since she passed away and I still miss her and think of her. It is a devastating experience however, the best tribute you can pay your dad is to make your life a success. You will never forget him and he will always live in your heart. Let his love drive you in everything you do and your love for him be an inspiration which will give you the strength to succeed. On Dec. 4th of 05 I lost my husband of 7 years to bile duct cancer he passed away after surgery. This is a very tough loss to get over as he was truly everything to me and it's a lot to bear two such great losses in one lifetime.

All the best to you.
Cristina

I am so sorry to hear about your Dad. My Mom died of breast cancer when she was 44 also (I was 14 and my sisters were 12 and 9). I still miss her very much and still have a hard time dealing with it at times. I think that you truly would benefit from counseling, as the others mentioned. (I never had it, but I wish I did.) Honestly, I think that time eases the hurt, but it is never completely healed. In life, you never know what cards you will be dealt. It's so hard not to be angry, but sometimes I try to think about something really terrible and think about all of the positives in my life and I do feel grateful for those good things that God has given me. It has been almost twenty years since my Mom's death and my Dad was just diagnosed with stage 4 cholangiocarcinoma. I guess I thought our family would be "safe" and something like this wouldn't happen until he was much older (he's 64). Unfortunately, he is not doing well and is hospitalized. I guess I regret not learning from the loss of my Mom...sometimes it's easier to try to repress. I now wish I would have spent more time with him, now that I know our time is so limited. My advice to you would be to live each day like it were your last and appreciate your family and friends that are here with you now. You need to find happiness in yourself and know that one day you will see your loved ones again. It seems unfair, but I guess that's how things go sometimes. I hope that you find peace. Good luck in college.

Thank you for your advice. I'm sorry to hear about you dad and i wish you all the best of luck in your dealings with the cancer. I learned to cherish everyone around me before my dad died. I lost my grandma, who was my best friend, just six months before i lost my dad. That is when i stopped taking things forgranted. I'm not sure how to explain this but i don't need counseling anymore. Right before i went home for christmas i heard this song from Brad Paisley called "When Get to Where I'm Going" and it is hard to explain exactly what happened. Since then i have been happier and i enjoyed christmas for a change. I'm not going to say that i don't think about either one of them but i don't get upset much anymore. I was surprised that when the day passed that my grandma died four years ago i didn't get upset. I feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders and my family tell me how much better i seem. They never really knew how i felt but they say i'm happier than i use to be. That is encouragement enough to stay this way. I'm sure you learned a great deal from your mothers passing several years ago but my advice to you is talk to your dad and never give up on him. I have learned that hidding my feelings hurt the ones around me because i take things out on them that isn't their fault. Don't bear everything going on alone because everyone needs help. Again i say thanks for your story and advice and wish you the best of luck. Thanks also for the encouragment with my college career.