On 6/25/2009
Andrea McC wrote:
My Dad took ill in October 08 with a sore back, Doctors were treating him for a pulled muscle and a cough. Xrays in Nov 08 said his chest was clear! Dad lost about two and a half stone by Xmas and was now getting treated for Siatica!!!
He was in so much pain they admitted him to Hospital on 29th Dec 08 and scans revealed Lung Cancer and a Crumbling Spine! More scans followed on the 31st Dec and we got the results on the 2nd Jan 09, Cancer had spread to his Bones & Liver! He got moved to The Beatson on 8th Jan 09 for 5 days Radiotherapy which he came through with flying colours and was even putting on weight and didnt look to ill for the 1st time in Months! Doc told us on 15th Jan that he olny had weeks, but with Chemo he could get to the summer! Dad always said he didnt want Chemo and I forced him into it, im an only child, so theres only Mum & I, I pleaded with him for a day and he finally relented, he started Chemo next day, 16th Jan. Drip went in and my Dad was finished, he couldnt produce enough fluid and started swelling up, By the Saturday he was rambling on and saying he was out for coffee with his 2 friends, they had Died the previous year, and I got scared and went to the Nurses saying he was getting forgetfull and they said they hadnt noticed!!! By the Sunday his kidneys were failing and he couldnt get a gasp, we sat with him all day while they tried to get drips in (which they couldnt) Dad was in so much pain! I asked if I could stay with him and was told no! We left him at 10pm and phoned at 12am and was told he was sleeping peacefully!
We got a call at 5.30am next morning to say get there as fast as possible! Nothing couldve prepared me for the sight when I went in the room, Dad was gasping for breath and was in so much pain! We got 5 hours with him and four and a half of them he was in tremendious pain, I had my arms around him and he was a little bit sick, then he passed away in my arms! My precious Dad lost his fight for life at 11am on the 19th Jan 09.
I blame myself for his death, if I hadnt persueded him to have Chemo then he might have lasted a few more weeks and slipped away in his sleep! He didnt deserve to go like that, no one does! There is a big gaping hole in our lifes now that "Our Rock" has gone, Mum & I cant come to terms with how quick the Cancer claimed him! If only I had of respected his wishes not to have Chemo we would have got more time with him! He was due out of Hospital the very day he died! Bed, wheelchair & comode had all been delivered!
Please repect your loved ones wishes, I wouldnt like to think of other people going through what Im going through just now, I keep asking myself WHY!!! Why did I force him into it?
I not only lost My Precious Dad, I lost My Best Friend Too!!!!
Sleep peacefully Dad x Love You So Much xxx Andrea x
Hi Andrea
The majority of us carry some degree of guilt and/or regrets when we lose someone we love. I lost my mother and my husband six months apart. I was also an only child and my mother and I were extremely close. My Dad even said after her death that he knew it would have been easier on me if it had been him that died instead of Mom - I was dumbfounded. Later I asked why I didn't say "It would have been difficult either way" but it caught me so off guard that I said nothing. My mother had cirrohis of the liver due to a bad blood transfusion following surgery many years prior (never drank alcohol). I talked her into a liver transplant even though Dad swore they always had expressed to each other never to have someone else's organ in their bodies. I now believe I was fortunate in that testing showed it would only shorten her life rather than prolong it due to her advanced condition. It was the most natural thing in the world to want to hold onto the mother I loved so dearly for a few more months.
With my husband, he was in a hospital bed in our home and I had settled him in for the day before heading to work. I spoke with him prior to leaving work - asking if he needed anything. He said he did not. I took a few minutes after work to talk to friends - I just needed a breather for a bit before heading home. When I turned the corner by my home, and looked at my home (it was down a private lane), my yard was full of emergency vehicles. They determined that my husband who had lung cancer had a coughing spell and a major artery ruptured - he bled out almost immediately (they assured me without his knowing what was going on). The last thing he did was call 911. I still feel guilty though - 16 yrs later - that I took those precious few minutes to talk with friends rather than going directly home. If I had gone directly home, he wouldn't have died alone. I ask myself - did he know what was going on - was he frightened? The only comfort I derived was/is in noticing a plaque at the foot of his bed the day after he passed. I had it in the hallway for years but hadn't noticed that he had placed it on the wall at the foot of his bed (even though he was hooked up to an oxygen machine we lovingly called Robbie). It is the famous "Footprints" - at least it is famous in the U.S. - and I take comfort in knowing (it was the last thing he had to have seen) that in his last moments there was only one set of footprints. If you are unfamiliar with it - here it is:
One night I dreamed a dream
I was walking along the beach with my Lord
Across the dark sky flashed scenes from my life
For each scene, I noticed two sets of footprints on the sand ,
one belonging to me and one to my Lord.
When the last scene from my life shot before me
I looked back at the footprints in the sand.
There was only one set of footprints.
I realized that this was at the lowest and saddest times of my life.
This always bothered me and I questioned the Lord about my dilemma
"Lord, you told me when I decided to follow You, You would walk and talk with me all the way.
But I'm aware that during the most troublesom times of my life there is only one set of footprints.
I just don't understand why, when I needed You most, You leave me."
He whispered, "My precious child, I love you and will never leave you, never ever, during your trials and testings.
When you saw only one set of footprints it was then that I carried you."
The above was written by Margaret Fishback Powers - and during my own battle with cancer two years ago knowing that God was with me - to carry me through the really tough times - knowing there was only one set of footprints and Our Almighty God was carrying me through them - brought me comfort daily.
Your father is a peace and watching you from above. The last thing he would want is for your to feel any guilt - he loved you and you him - that is the greatest gift any parent or child can give each other. Anyone who loves someone - parent, child, spouse, anyone wants to keep their loved one with them as long as possible. You have absolutely nothing to feel giulty about. We learn throughout life - and many many many times we would do things differently if we had knowledge of the outcome. You were behaving as a loving daughter - no parent could ask for more.
My prayers are with you - that God give you peace.
Diana