need to vent

Okay everyone,  

 I'm going to vent pretty strongly in this message because I'm horribly hurting right now.    My husband and high school sweetheart of 36 years was diagnosis with Prostate cancer 2 1/2 yrs ago( he's 52 now).  He had the Prostectomy 2 yrs ago July at the Mayo Clinic.  He's been cancer free since then.  EXCEPT he has no erections NONE.  This April we went back to the Mayo so that he could learn how to give himself penial injections which work to some extent.  EXCEPT that the scare tissue that was formed due to NOT having erections for over 2 years has caused another whole set of problems in which he is kinked and intercourse is still very difficult.   We were not advised about this type of side affect at anytime.     

Now  that you have a little history of our life I want to let everyone know that since counseling was never discussed or made part of his treatment or recovery our happy marriage is ending.  I caught him with another women 2 weeks ago and then found out that he'd had an 8 month relationship with another women that started 2 weeks prior to his surgery.   His comment to me was that "Use it before you losed it" attitude.  He has changed immensly over the last 2 1/2 yrs and I thought it was just normal worrying about his cancer.  I've been there with him through thick and thin.  He tries to say that I lost interest and I didn't care but actually he was bringing home the guilt and deception and blaming me for all his problems.........  I've neverr been with any other man and he swears that up until 2 weeks before surgery I had been his only one also.

I put part of the blame on the medical community for not treating the WHOLE patient body, mind & soul...  Maybe this marriage could have been spared. 

We are both seeing therapist (separately) right now.  But my point to everyone reading this 'I BELIEVE THAT COUSELING SHOULD BE MANDATORY'  especially when it has to deal with the male's precious ego and manhood..  Okay I'm done for now but I still don't feel any better.  My comfortable, secure, happy, stable life has been shattered.  Just another statistic now......  

Interesting post...husband has esophageal cancer but we were discussing a study I read about cancer, and it had used prostate patients for the study and my perception was that prostate might not have been the best to study because I felt the issues around surgery and treatment were too complicated by the emotional/physical issues that are involved in prostate treatment because of the way a man's sexuality is so wrapped up in their image, and is so at risk because of the treatments used. You are definitely reinforcing my belief, and counseling should be recognized as a necessary part of treating prostate cancer in my mind.  

Venting is a good thing, and I'm sorry you have infidelity to deal with as well as having had to get through the physical issues associated with having a spouse with cancer.  

Venting is good but unfortunately this does not solve your problem. It seems that you were not given more than 1 option before proceeding with the Prostatectomy. The chances of this happening are higher than most doctors tell you (loss of sexual function) There are so many treatments out there that exclude this proceedure but leave the sexual function intace. Perhaps it is not quite the same but the male can still get erections and function sexually.  Your husband has issues but perhaps your issues were present before the operation and unfortunately you did not notice.

I can tell all people needing prostate treatment to look into the multiple opetions out their. Often the doctor wants to keep it "in house" as they will not benefit by the patient going for alternatife care. My husband had the Proton beam and it is marvellous, as it keeps most of the functioning parts intact. There is now a new therapy but I am not sure of the name. In Canada they have several new treatments. So I say to all of you don't believe the only option you are given go check it out yourself. and Cheater 2 all the best it will be difficult for you both.  MMS

On 7/8/2009 cheater2 wrote:

Okay everyone,  

 I'm going to vent pretty strongly in this message because I'm horribly hurting right now.    My husband and high school sweetheart of 36 years was diagnosis with Prostate cancer 2 1/2 yrs ago( he's 52 now).  He had the Prostectomy 2 yrs ago July at the Mayo Clinic.  He's been cancer free since then.  EXCEPT he has no erections NONE.  This April we went back to the Mayo so that he could learn how to give himself penial injections which work to some extent.  EXCEPT that the scare tissue that was formed due to NOT having erections for over 2 years has caused another whole set of problems in which he is kinked and intercourse is still very difficult.   We were not advised about this type of side affect at anytime.     

Now  that you have a little history of our life I want to let everyone know that since counseling was never discussed or made part of his treatment or recovery our happy marriage is ending.  I caught him with another women 2 weeks ago and then found out that he'd had an 8 month relationship with another women that started 2 weeks prior to his surgery.   His comment to me was that "Use it before you losed it" attitude.  He has changed immensly over the last 2 1/2 yrs and I thought it was just normal worrying about his cancer.  I've been there with him through thick and thin.  He tries to say that I lost interest and I didn't care but actually he was bringing home the guilt and deception and blaming me for all his problems.........  I've neverr been with any other man and he swears that up until 2 weeks before surgery I had been his only one also.

I put part of the blame on the medical community for not treating the WHOLE patient body, mind & soul...  Maybe this marriage could have been spared. 

We are both seeing therapist (separately) right now.  But my point to everyone reading this 'I BELIEVE THAT COUSELING SHOULD BE MANDATORY'  especially when it has to deal with the male's precious ego and manhood..  Okay I'm done for now but I still don't feel any better.  My comfortable, secure, happy, stable life has been shattered.  Just another statistic now......