How can I help

My sister-in-law first had colon cancer in 2007-2008.. She underwent chemo and surg. Her labs started comming back with elevated readings.She went to Duke and had a PET Scan. She now has liver cancer. I want to help her but I do not want to be a hinderance or an annoyance to her. What can I do to help her ?The last time we bought her some gowns and other things to help her while she was in the hospital. While home I called her everyday and volunteered to do anything she may need. We visited her  as oftern as possible.  She is having to go back on chemo. The Drs. have told her this time she will lose her hair. I am sure this will be so very hard on her.  I just felt I did not do enough lasgt time . I want to help her. I love her very much. Any advice is greatly appreciated.

You are a very generous person.  I believe the best way to help is to do the things that need done without asking "how can I help?"  It is sometimes difficult for people to ask for help or to accept an offer to help. We had friends who simply did what needed to be done (lawn care, etc) without saying a word to us and that was truly appreciated.  Not only because a time consuming chore was done but because they did this without our having to ask which made us feel less indebted or obliged somehow. 

Thank you so much. I have never thought of it that way before but it makes perfect sense. I would never want her to feel she owes me for anything.  I just want to help in anyway possible without being in the way. Thank you again for your help.

 

On 7/14/2009 MOLLYSMOM wrote:

My sister-in-law first had colon cancer in 2007-2008.. She underwent chemo and surg. Her labs started comming back with elevated readings.She went to Duke and had a PET Scan. She now has liver cancer. I want to help her but I do not want to be a hinderance or an annoyance to her. What can I do to help her ?The last time we bought her some gowns and other things to help her while she was in the hospital. While home I called her everyday and volunteered to do anything she may need. We visited her  as oftern as possible.  She is having to go back on chemo. The Drs. have told her this time she will lose her hair. I am sure this will be so very hard on her.  I just felt I did not do enough lasgt time . I want to help her. I love her very much. Any advice is greatly appreciated.

It's sometimes hard to make plans in advance or to answer the "call me if you need me" approach.  As someone still undergoing chemo, I appreciate:  call me the day before and invite me to lunch or a movie the next day; then, call that day to see if we can still get together.  If it doesn't work out, try again in another week and keep on trying.  Let me know you'll be dropping off a dinner or a cake a few days before; or, ask if Tue or Wed, e.g. would be best.  Invite me to go to a makeover at the mall, Pick me up to go to visit mututal friends or family.  I don't expect people to pay my way but I do really enjoy these sorts of non-cancer invites with non-cancer conversation. Offer to take the dog for a walk or take the dog for a grooming.  I find that a messy or chaotic house is very upsetting; I want it to be peaceful and clean all the time.  I now have someone to help clean (my husband hates all the inside chores) which is a godsend. Think about a 2x/month gift certificate for a housecleaning service (change the beds, too).

Most of all, try to share normal, every day stuff.

God bless,

annes

I agree with "daybyday." When you say "how can I help?" your sister in law may not be sure, or she may want something done that she feels funny asking you (like clean her toilets), or she may feel overwhelmed by the offers for help (My husband is in Hospice and I feel that way right now).

You might want to say, "Can I bring dinner? Or Can I mow your lawn?" In other words, look for a need and offer to fulfill it. A friend just sent an e-mail listing 4-5 ways he thought he could help, along with the offer of doing anything else I needed. It was great help! And he offered to do some things I would not have asked him to do on my own. You could also ask her to keep a running list of things that others can help with. Then when you (or someone else) asks how they can help she can direct them to the list and they can complete what they want on it. Again, then your sister in law isn't feeling funny about asking someone to do a task they may hate.