Last stage of the disease

My father was diagnosed with lung cancer more than a year ago. Last July, a year ago, the doctors told me that he has a couple of months to go. After a series of chemotherapy and radiation therapy, they say it is now a matter of days, the cancer has spread to the rest of the body and has taken one half of his brain (the left one). A neurologist did a scan of his brain yesterday and she said he has about a week to go. My father does not recognize me any more, sometimes not even my mother (he was taken home to be taken care of by her, that is her wish, they have spent 40 years together and she wants to spend his last days with him, although this is incredibly hard for her, she does have Hospice help). My father is nervous at times, he cries, he has flashbacks from his youth (he was 59 in May), and he sleeps a lot, after taking medication. The only thing he seems to be well aware of is immense pain, he feels better after taking morphine-based pain killers. He is very weak, eats only little and has lost a lot of weight over the last month or so. The doctors say his blood is too weak for another session of chemotherapy (they exchanged his blood twice over the last month, but that didn't help a lot). This deterioration has happened very rapidly, for example he gave me a phone call two weeks ago and he does not even recognize me any more. I have read other people's experiences on this site and I hope nobody minds me asking this question, but my mother's worst fear is that he is going to die of suffocation. The neurologist said that this was not going to happen, that his death will look like falling asleep. Does anyone have a similar experience on this and is willing to share it? Thank you.

My husband was 57 when diagnosed with stage 4 nsclc.  He died 9 months later.He did loose a tremendous amount of weight.  He was 6 ft tall and weighed 120 lbs. He did try to eat and even had a feeding tube but I guess the cancer took over.  He, too, slept most of the time.  The pain meds pretty much kept him pain free.  In the end, his kidney's were shutting down and it took about 12 days before he passed peacefully.  He had been in and out of consciousness for the last 4 or 5 days.  He asked to be sedated when they told him he was dying and they obliged.  My brother in law also died of lung cancer at 48 and he, too, died peacefully.  It was as if he closed his eyes and went to sleep.  I only know of these 2 people who have died of lung cancer and thank God, both went fairly peacefully.  It is so hard to watch them deteriorate and waste away but we have been told God will not give you more than you can bare.  Good luck and God bless you.

 To,jeannemac,

I would like to know if you husband did any type of treatment, if so can you tell what type and for how long. How large was your husband tumor? If you husband did treatment do you think it give quality or quantity of life. My loved on has stage 4 nsclc and has completed all the treatments they can have. I guess I am looking for somewhat of a time line. Cancer sucks and I hate to even ask you or anyone else these types of questions.

Thank-you so so much, and I  am deeply sorry you and your husband had to go through  this awful journey.

From, Freckle

Freckle,

    Cancer does suck. My husband chose to continue with treatment even after he got the news that the treatment wasn't working as well as they hoped. The tumors continued to grow and he has a new one (which makes 7 now).  The treatment has slowed the growth some.  My husband continues to choose quantity.  He just wants to be on this earth as long as he can and doesn't care what the quality is; however, I rather have quality.  In my personal opinion what is quantity without quality.  I support him in his decision and I am there for him all the way.  But I would rather him have quality time with our children, grandchildren and me for a couple of month, then have a few more months of him lying in a bed sick all time.  I don't want him to suffer any more then he has to. 

My husband's always asks me why, he says I've tried to be a good person all my life why me.  My answer to him is hunny it has nothing to do with you personally.  Before you were born it was already desided when you would be born and when you would die. It is in Gods hands. I tell him he is not dieing he is just leaving his human body and moving onto a better place.  Where he will still be an important part of our lives but in a different way  

Don't be afraid to ask questions no matter how hard they are if you are ready for the answers. This is the place to ask those questions.  People are helpful and supportive. Over the last several months, the one thing that has helped me is this web site.  I don't feel along like its us against the word.

 kzfamily  

     

So sorry about your dad and what all of you are going through.  Believe it or not, there will be times in the future when you will actually miss what you are going through right now because you are with him and really witnessing life's true meaning of love and family.  My mom passed away a little over a year ago and I would give anything to go back to that last week when I sat by her bedside every night all through the night. My aunt would take the day shift her last week when we knew it was getting close and I would take the night shift. She talked to me up until about 3 days before her death.  There were a few times that she said I looked different or seemed not to recognize me from about day ten until day 3 before her death.  And then on day 3 when she stopped really talking and started sleeping most of the time, her eyes at first remained fixed on one part of the room when she was awake.  I truly think she was in between this world and the next.  Seeing old relatives and friends.  Toward the end she would say, I need to pack up and go somewhere.  She was in a hospice place so at first I thought she meant she needed to pack up and go home.  But I later realized she really,meant she knew it was her time.  Ask your dad if he has any weird dreams....he may share with you all the things he is experiencing as he is getting ready for his next journey.  You must read the book Crossing the River written by a hospice nurse named Michael something.  It is absolutely crucial to you getting through this part.  I gained so much emotional strength by reading that book. 

Don't worry if starts to not eat....that is normal and necessary for the body.  Food may really bother him so don't force it.  But do worry if he is feeling pain....there is no need for him to feel pain.  The hospice people can help him find the right dosage where he is not feeling pain but is not sleeping all the time.  THe pain meds will likely cause him to have more memory problems or confusion but the cancer will be too.  Hard to determine which is causing more mental impairment but there is no need for them to feel pain.  Pain will prevent him from relaxing and going through what he needs to go through emotionally and physically. 

I was able to witness my mom's passing and am very happy I did.  The hospice books say that the person will choose their time to go and it may be with or without a loved one present.  The person may think it will be too hard for the loved one to witness.  There are so many instances of family leaving the room for less than 5 minutes and that being the time they go.....which was their choice.  So your mom or you shouldnt' feel bad if your dad decides to spare you that. 

In my mother's case, she died at 3:30AM.  Her breathing had been labored with the raspy throaty sounds for the whole day.  Then about midnight I noticed her breathing became more shallow and not as often.  Her pulse started to drop slightly but was still okay.  The hospice nurse and I swabbed her mouth all day because it was so dry.  About 3AM, some bubbles came out of her nose (phlegm building up) and the nurse helped me position her up slightly more.  The nurse left the room.  I talked to my mom about all the things I appreciated about her and talked about a few funny stories about her grandkids who loved her so.  Then I told her that it was okay for her to leave now.  And then I prayed for God to take her to be with him.  In less than 3 minutes she was gone. I know she heard me and I know God heard me.  She never appeared to suffer.  For the remainder of that day I had several unmistakable signals that she was around and I along with my son still get those signals although less frequently. 

It helps me to write this although I still get very teary.  I hope something in this helps you.  Just remember that when your father no longer communicates by talking or seeing, he can still hear you.  Hearing is the last sense to go.  Always talk in his presence like he is listening even with hospice staff.  He hears you and wants to hear your voice and feel your hand on his.  Please read that book and the Final Gift written by two hospice nurses is incredibly good too.  Read them at his bedside.  They will give you questions to ask him and the understanding to help him.  I wish you, your mother and your father the best on this journey.  It is not easy.  Take care of yourself.....I am still learning to do that one year later. 

Laura

One more thing....please feel free to send me a private message if you have any more questions or thoughts. And I am sorry if I told you too much.  It is a tough thing.   

Laura

You have received some very good, sound advice from others on this site. PLEASE insist on better pain management. Our Dad had a port, with morphine available at the push of a button. In my opinion, there's no reason for your Father to suffer with that much pain.

Dad came home after a brief stay at hospice. He was home for 4 months before he passed (one year after diagnosis). He slept a lot. When he was awake, he wanted someone laying with him, or at least holding his hand. He had recurring halucinations, which we thought were dreams, but realized he had them while awake, as well. They were always the same -- he was standing in his living room, but there was no floor. I can smile now, as I remember the look of surprise, mixed with confusion & awe, as he experienced them. He would often call out & ask "Hey -- do you see that?!" And he always said, "Well, I'll be damned", as if he was amused.

He had some extremely tough days. Some very bad days. But I think the worst was probably a couple of weeks before his death, and had more to do with his emotions & fear, rather than physical suffering. He was still mentally aware; and talked to each of us kids individually, to make sure we were okay. That was quite a gift. Just a few days later, he began needing so much morphine to stay comfortable that it became difficult for him to hold a conversation for any length of time. (And boy was he cranky when they started wearing off!!)

The morning Daddy died, his wife, my brother and my husband were with him. My brother noticed a clear change in Dad's breathing & confirmed his suspicion on Dad's monitors, so he woke Cora. She came and layed in the hospital bed (which was in their living room) with him & he opened his eyes for just a second. He put his arm around her, and passed about 10 minutes later. He simply went to sleep, holding his wife. 

I pray that your Mom & Dad are able to experience the same peaceful end to such a horrible illness.

God Bless

 

On 7/17/2009 paurae wrote:

You have received some very good, sound advice from others on this site. PLEASE insist on better pain management. Our Dad had a port, with morphine available at the push of a button. In my opinion, there's no reason for your Father to suffer with that much pain.

Dad came home after a brief stay at hospice. He was home for 4 months before he passed (one year after diagnosis). He slept a lot. When he was awake, he wanted someone laying with him, or at least holding his hand. He had recurring halucinations, which we thought were dreams, but realized he had them while awake, as well. They were always the same -- he was standing in his living room, but there was no floor. I can smile now, as I remember the look of surprise, mixed with confusion & awe, as he experienced them. He would often call out & ask "Hey -- do you see that?!" And he always said, "Well, I'll be damned", as if he was amused.

He had some extremely tough days. Some very bad days. But I think the worst was probably a couple of weeks before his death, and had more to do with his emotions & fear, rather than physical suffering. He was still mentally aware; and talked to each of us kids individually, to make sure we were okay. That was quite a gift. Just a few days later, he began needing so much morphine to stay comfortable that it became difficult for him to hold a conversation for any length of time. (And boy was he cranky when they started wearing off!!)

The morning Daddy died, his wife, my brother and my husband were with him. My brother noticed a clear change in Dad's breathing & confirmed his suspicion on Dad's monitors, so he woke Cora. She came and layed in the hospital bed (which was in their living room) with him & he opened his eyes for just a second. He put his arm around her, and passed about 10 minutes later. He simply went to sleep, holding his wife. 

I pray that your Mom & Dad are able to experience the same peaceful end to such a horrible illness.

God Bless

I am a Stage IV lung cancer patient and consider that I am on that journey toward a cancer death.    We are only on this earth for a period of time and then on to the reward God has provided in heaven.   I don't want to leave my family, but I can certainly enjoy the thought of being with that glorious light.    THANK YOU to all who are willing to share what will probably be happening in our family within the next 5 years or so.   Cancer can be managed for awhile, but the alternatives do run out, the quality of life issues kick in.   My family and I are making many memories right now.    The worst fear is pain, and I'm being assured that that can be mostly escaped.   These accounts of what happens make it possible to go through this part of life victoriously.   I trust God to meet all my needs according to his riches in glory.   

 

my farther passed away from lung cancer fifteen years ago and it was very peacefull but now my father-inlaw is in the last stages off lung cancer and its spread to his brain, he has now gone very violent and very confused it is very cruel to see such a placid nice man turn into this raging lunatic and now they have had to section him could anyone let me know if they have witnessed anything like this before i just can not berlieve what is happening to him thankyou.

I had recommended the book Crossing the River but it is actually called Crossing the Creek by Michael Holmes. Excellent book about what to expect toward the end and what to talk about and how with your loved one.  Michael is a hospice nurse.