Breast Cancer - What has happened between My Wife and Me...

To all the ladies who have breast cancer...,

I am sorry you have had to go through this.  I feel deeply for those whose husbands deserted them.  That is awful!  I feel for what you have suffered and for what you are suffering.

Also to the men whose wives have had breast cancer and feel abused...,
My story is a little different.

I love my wife with all my heart.  She has stopped loving me... We are separated.  We are going through a divorce. She made a false police report several months after her surgery.  I was arrested.  My wife has a protective order against me.  We have not spoken in almost three months.  I am facing criminal charges.

My wife needs help and I need help.  We are Jewish.  My wife use to be such a rock of Spirituality then over a short time she stopped praying everyday. Being kosher was a stickler to her then it stopped being an issue.  Observing Passover was very big on our lives because we were engaged during Passover. She would always take off an extra 3 or 4 days leading up to Passover for preparations until this year.  My car broke down she didn’t want to come pick me up. She stopped phoning during the day. She started coming home late (2 - 4 hours) without notice.  She would not say where she was etc..

All of this began happening after her breast cancer surgery and radiation treatment etc.  I thought we were madly in love... I thought we had a great relationship... Now I wonder.  She is bisexual.  I knew this when we married 14 years ago. She claimed to be solo for the past 9 years... Since my ejection from the marital residence she has begun keeping close company with same sex people.  We have always welcomed same sex people in our home not as a matter of approval but as a matter of being kind to everyone.  I now wonder about that...

There are several other strange twists to all this. Two years prior to this I was injured on the job.  This required surgery and over 500 physical therapy treatments and doctor appointments.  My wife was supportive up until being diagnosed with breast cancer. She took time off from work under FMLA.  She drove me to appointments for the first four months.  She attended many appointments.  She helped with the paper work.  She was wonderful.

Shortly after being diagnosed with breast cancer my doctor commented that I might be permanently disabled.  He was wrong. I expect to be released to begin working part time soon.

When my wife was diagnosed with breast cancer I tried to be there for her just as she was there for me.  I went to every appointment.  I listened, took notes and asked questions.  I hired a weekly house keeper to clean house.  I did laundry and meals most of the time.  We talked we walked we cried, we prayed etc. 

I don’t know what happened.  Our marriage came apart at the seams...
A friend of mine feels like my wife needed more feminine attention that I could not give her.  As crude as this sounds I feel like all the many examinations stirred emotions up within her.  She has indicated this also.

I am curious after reading about all the tragedies, the pain, the suffering and the losses that so many have experienced on this blog if anyone might have some insight surround the emotional side to breast cancer.  I understand it is different for everyone.  I would ap[preciate some feed back.

Thank you,

VOR

Though those of us who have had breast cancer have a unique perspective, I feel very strongly after reading your message, that you need more than a cancer survivor can offer here on this site.

The issues you outlined and uniqueness of your situation really could benefit from professional counseling. They should be able to deal with the specifics of you situation.

Going together as a couple would be helpful, but I'd encourage you to go on your own even if your spouse doesn't want to go.

I know breast cancer is difficult for all of us who have been though it and our loved ones. We each have ways we have coped, but I doubt any of our experiences can adequately cover all of your issues. Please seek out a professional counselor.

Good luck to you both. 

On 7/23/2009 Teresad32 wrote:

Though those of us who have had breast cancer have a unique perspective, I feel very strongly after reading your message, that you need more than a cancer survivor can offer here on this site.

The issues you outlined and uniqueness of your situation really could benefit from professional counseling. They should be able to deal with the specifics of you situation.

Going together as a couple would be helpful, but I'd encourage you to go on your own even if your spouse doesn't want to go.

I know breast cancer is difficult for all of us who have been though it and our loved ones. We each have ways we have coped, but I doubt any of our experiences can adequately cover all of your issues. Please seek out a professional counselor.

Good luck to you both. 

I agree with this response. As a Christian, I believe that God is bigger than everything we are going through; however, He never said that life would be easy. He is there to help us through these difficult times, to make us stronger in our faith. Please pray for a counselor that you can open up to and God can use to help you and your wife!! Blessings in His Name!