What Is The Best Way To Deal With My Dad's Cancer?

My dad was diagnosed on Dec 12 with lung cancer.
A CT scan showed it is in the bronchial tubes. He was scheduled for a PET scan and bronchoscopy last week,but he already had pneumonia and he got worse and was hospitalized for a few days. My question is how do my mom and I take care of him without making him feel like an invalid? His spirits are good,so we are being positive,but it is hard because we don't know yet when he will have the tests and I don't want him to overdo and end up in the hospital again. Wendy

Dear Wendy, so sorry to hear the news of your dad's cancer, I too have a loved one fighting this awful disease, my beloved husband has matastic prostate cancer, he is 56 I am 43, I am still tring to accept that this is even "real" you know what I mean? Of all the research that I have done so far, the one thing that I keep finding is "positive attitude", keep him involved in things, don't sheild him from all aspects of your daily routine. Touch him as much as possible, a loving caring touch is always right, You will find that he will have more strength than you could imagine, he will let you know when he is uncomfortable or needs help, make a special place in your living room or family room where he can lie down, and still be among the family's normal routine. Allow him to sleep when he wants for as long as he wants, his body is healing and needs rest, try not to be too scared if he does not feeling like eating much, but keep popsicles around for him, have one with him. Read out loud to him, it will occupy his mind and most likely put hi too sleep........you will discover other little things that will help as you take this journey with him, that will ease and comfort him. There will also be times that he will have to comfort you, this is normal and he needs to be able to do this, this is all I can really tell you from my own journey, I am still learning, and would appreciate if yo have any ideas that you can share with me. All my love to you and your family....Johnny's Angel

Dear Johnny's Angel:

I read your email and it struck me that we are the same age. My father, age 79, has just been
diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in its final stages.

He and my mother live near-by. ( We actually
live in Bermuda.) All of the things you do..like
let him lie and sleep on the couch and treat him
like he is there and still part of the family...
we do. Dad gets up and moves about.

Everyday we go off and have "ADVENTURES." Usually a little walk and then we drive places
that he has not been to in a long time. He grew
up here and is 12 th generation Bermudian. He
loves to talk about his childhood and growing up.

Dad has accepted his fate with great dignity and
a very positive attitude. His attitude is what
allows him to get out of bed everyday and go do
something.

Keep up the faith.

All the best,

LIZ

Wendy,
From my own experience, I can tell you that you should do your best to treat him as normal as possible. That means, allowing for him to be himself as much as possible. When my dad was with us, he refused to lie in bed all day. So, we accommodated him by getting him up every day and getting him comfortable in the living room. He only stayed in bed when he was ready for bed for the night. His internal clock was off so he would awaken at like 230am most days. So, I would get up with him, make breakfast for us and just start my day at that time. We watched tv together and I would take him with me to the store, even though he couldn't move much on his own. His mind was still the same, so he helped me in the store while shopping. He felt like he was contributing and that made him feel good.

At first, if he coughed or something, I was right there giving him full attention. This annoyed him and he told me that he would let me know if something was wrong, otherwise, he just needed me to watch him every now and then. If he wanted something he couldn't get, he would ask. I learned to stop trying to think for him and do too much for him.

So, I hope this helps. Just try to remember that the best thing you can do for him is just be there for him. My dad and I loved to laugh. I used to sit and hold his hand while he slept. He loved that and he told me once that he could feel my hand in his sleep. I loved that so much. My dad and I made it a point to talk more, laugh more, and just enjoy each other as much as we could. When time didn't allow for anymore of that, I had to accept it. Now, I look back on those times and it makes me smile....it just makes me smile and proud to have had such a courageous dad.

Hang in there, ok?

God bless,
Vinnie

Wendy,
From my own experience, I can tell you that you should do your best to treat him as normal as possible. That means, allowing for him to be himself as much as possible. When my dad was with us, he refused to lie in bed all day. So, we accommodated him by getting him up every day and getting him comfortable in the living room. He only stayed in bed when he was ready for bed for the night. His internal clock was off so he would awaken at like 230am most days. So, I would get up with him, make breakfast for us and just start my day at that time. We watched tv together and I would take him with me to the store, even though he couldn't move much on his own. His mind was still the same, so he helped me in the store while shopping. He felt like he was contributing and that made him feel good.

At first, if he coughed or something, I was right there giving him full attention. This annoyed him and he told me that he would let me know if something was wrong, otherwise, he just needed me to watch him every now and then. If he wanted something he couldn't get, he would ask. I learned to stop trying to think for him and do too much for him.

So, I hope this helps. Just try to remember that the best thing you can do for him is just be there for him. My dad and I loved to laugh. I used to sit and hold his hand while he slept. He loved that and he told me once that he could feel my hand in his sleep. I loved that so much. My dad and I made it a point to talk more, laugh more, and just enjoy each other as much as we could. When time didn't allow for anymore of that, I had to accept it. Now, I look back on those times and it makes me smile....it just makes me smile and proud to have had such a courageous dad.

Hang in there, ok?

God bless,
Vinnie

My dad was just diagnosed with stage 4 non small cell cancer. It
has spread to his bones in three different areas. He is feeling ver
positive and feels great. He doesn't have any symptoms, it is
ironic. He went to the hopsital the week of x-mas with abnormal
bleeding from his rectum. They never found out why, but the
standard xray taken at the ER showed an abnormality on his lung.
Before he left the hospitla they did a biopsy of hid lung. A week
later they did a PET scan. This week we are meeting with the
oncologist.. The first of three we are meeting with. It has been
scary and draining. I need your help: What is the hardest part of
watching a person you love live with cancer? How has it changed
your life? despite the obvious. Thank you all in advance.
SLR

I would say that the hardest part for me is the waiting. First,our doctor said lung cancer,then there was a CT scan and chest xray. Finally,
a bronchoscopy and PET scan. Now,my mom and dad finally met with the oncologist today for a formal diagnosis and staging. So the waiting in between tests is bad. Not knowing anything. Once you know what you are dealing with,you can figure out what to do about it.
Treat your dad as you always have. Maybe say things you didn't before. Let him do whatever he feels like doing. And most important I have found is telling the people you love that you love them every day.
Wendy

My family and are taking one day at a time. Thursday is going to
be a huge day. Leraning how we can beat this horrible disease.
Since I have found out about my dad I have been appreciating life
in a different way. Especially telling the people I love how much
they mean to me. Thanks again for your posting it helps.:o) I will
pray for you and your family.
SLR

Vinnie B.
Just wanted you to know i read your email you had replied to.. Been There ....I just wanted you to know that helped me alot... We just found out my dad is a stage 4 lung cancer and has it in other places to.... We just had to take himt to the hospital today sick as a dog... Everytime it gets time for him to start his Chemo he ends up sick and does not get to take it... This is the 3rd time we are missing it.. and he really needs it.... He has a huge mass on his lung... I did not know what to do... I am 30 and love my dad to death i am still daddys little girl... I have two children that love my dad to death and i don't know what will happen when something does happen to him... He is going down hill fast... And i just don't know what to do... I read your email and you where talking about getting him as comfortable as possible and letting him sleep.. And i guess the biggest thing was being as normal as possible...And i try to do as much for him as i can... I take him to all of his doctor appt. and i cherish those everytime we have to go... But I just found out about this website and i saw yours and I know it was for someone else but it really did help me out alot... I'm still having a hard time but i'm trying to deal with it everyday... Thanks.. Cindy

Cindy,

I am sorry to hear that your dad is not doing well. I know exactly where you're going because I have been there. I remember those days of flying to Florida where my parents live from New Jersey. I remember going straight to the hospital and staying there for days on end. But, most of all, I remember just sticking it out with my dad. I, too, was daddy's little girl. Oh my goodness, my dad and I were just goo goo for each other....laugh. I am 40 now and it still bothers me tremendously that I can't call him and hear his voice. But, I take comfort in knowing that I was there for him as much as possible.

I was thinking about this yesterday....when the cancer spread to my dad's brain, he used to have problems with his peripheral vision and he would see 3 of me if I stood on his right or left, as he would put it. So, I would stand at the foot of the hospital bed and jump up and down and ask him if he still saw three of me? He would laugh so hard. He would laugh so hard when I did that. The point is that I made him laugh even though he was dying on the inside. He still laughed.

So, as you spend time with your father, talk to him and make him laugh when you can. And, if he doesn't want to laugh, just talk to him and let him hear your voice. That too, is comforting.

Do not give up hope. When it feels like all hope is gone, hang on to the hope that you have anyway. Every day is a miracle to a cancer patient and family members. Remember, the cancer can't take away the love that you and your father share, no one can.

This website got me through some rough times listening to the voices of others that have gone through similar experiences. My dad has been gone 3 years as of January 15 and I still visit this website. We all need to help each other and it should never stop....the talking and the listening.