Just to get it off my chest

I am writing to just get my feelings off my chest...The past 7 months have been a challenge for my husband and me. He has been in and out of the hospital with the re-occurance of a rare cancer. I have put so much emphasis on "when he feels better" that, now that he is doing okay, we fight more than ever. He feels I baby him, he wants more time alone, but he also wants me to know when he needs to get out of the house. I am watching a man who used to have self confidence and personal stamina suffer from anxiety, depression and an obsession with all that can go wrong. I read caregiver websites that are supposed to inspire but at this time much of the advice does not jive with my experience. My husband has become more beligerent than before, more "this is what I want and need and who cares about the rest of you" and I am trying, trying to be that caregiver who is supportive. But then he yells at me for things I am not doing-"Don't yell at me that I am having a panic attack"-when all I do is say,  "honey, I think you are having a panic attack."

I am really trying to be a good caregiver, but at this point I look forward to when I can come to work, get out of the house and get into my own space. Caregiving websites do not address these feelings...of frustration, of seeing the person you love most become someone else during this time. I only hope I can continue caregiving in a compassionate way with no judgement on how he is feeling and responding.

I read your post and my heart really goes out to you.  I know that cancer takes a toll on all the people involved.  I hope that you can find some relief in taking a break from the situation; read a book, go catch a movie, go to the beach/river for an hour, and promise yourself that for this hour or two that you are not going to think about anything at all.  Just live in that moment and enjoy it.  This should help revive yourself in between the little arguements.

Take care and make sure to take some time for yourself.

Hi there,

I know what you're going through.  My husband gets cranky with me. He needs me, and knows it and does not like it.  But this is mostly because he has always been so damn independent before CANCER took this life for a loop.  Life has been anything but normal since being declared Stage IV.  But ask yourself:  is this emotional?  Are your husband's mood changes  chemically induced?  Could it be a reaction to the chemotherapy he's on? Or maybe some other medications?  Maybe the various meds he's on are interacting with each other.  Remember, his brain is an organ too and its' also being "chemoed" -- and his brain regulates emotions.

Looking back on my husband's case, his venting was likely more emotiona than anythingl.  Yesterday, he went back to work mostly for his psychological welbeing more than any nose-to-the-grindstone reason.  He likes his colleagues, he likes his job and he's now feeling a little more like his life is a bit more "normal" (even though it well never be normal again).

Paula Jean.  

Yes, I think there are similarities here...my husband was so self confident and independent before his cancer; now, he depends on so many people and doesn't care for it at all. So, I am sure it is all about emotions, frustrations, and throw in some fentanyl which makes things a little worse. I am glad to hear that I am not the only one feeling this way!!

Wow, Can I relate.  I have been dealing with much the same with a bit of a twist.  My fiance (we are getting married in Sept) was diagnosed this summer with Multiple Myeloma Stage III.

Before he was always  a bit "dramatic" about things, but folks just adjusted to that being his personality.  Now...the drama is a real problem in that he used to be a very independent, "I can do it myself", kind of person.  Over the past few months he has become very "dependent" and I see his family enabling him to be an invalid and him soaking in the attention.  His mother (age 87) showed up yesterday with baby food to feed him.  The issue isn't that he can't eat, the issue is that he chooses not to eat because things don't seem to taste right to him.  Bottom line, I am frustrated that someone that likes drama is now being enabled to act this way.

I know he feels bad, I know his life has changed dramatically, and I know that I must have compassion....but being a nurse myself, I finally just put my foot down and became a "nagging nurse" to say, you must try to eat, try to drink, try to get out of bed, try to get better.  He had to have fluids yesterday because he did not get in enough fluids post treatment.  I would not let him off the hook, and basically told the doctor that he was not nauseated, he was not vomiting, but that he chose not to take in more fluids.  I have been firm with him getting up and moving...even if it is only the length of the halls in the house (about 30 feet).  He has been in bed so long now that his muscles have atrophied, not from the disease, but from a lack of use.  I went on to say that if he was in the hospital, they would be getting him up in a chair, walking the halls,etc.....and that he better start doing that on his own, or I would arrange to make it happen.

Cancer SUCKS, but the choice of how we deal with it is still ours.  I don't like being forceful, but when I take off my fiance hat and put on my nurse hat, I realize that I must be more forceful with him and tell those around him that doing everything for him isn't helping.  We, his family, should only do for him what he can't do himself...and at times that varies.  So...this caregiving thing is hard work....and we must take time to get out and be who we are as well. 

Good luck and please feel free to send a private email...as it does sound like we can support each other.  AMW

My 34 year old husband has stage 4 brain cancer, and cannot have surgery because of the location of the tumor and his 'qualify of life' after surgery.  He was diagosted in May 2009 and just completed his (1st) round of chemo and radiation.  I don't feel like he's improved any at all, and now has severe foot, leg and elbow pain that none of his docs know whats causing it.  He has his first MRI scan after the treatments next month Sept. 9th to see how things are progressing or not.

I, too, am having a hard time!  I feel more like a sister than a wife to him lately.  He depends on me for everything!  I am the sole provider and he calls me constantly in a panic over what i feel are little things and I feel like i have to fix everything for him.  He goes into angry fits then feels bad later and cries because he didn't mean it and can't help it.  We have five children (blended family) ages 8, 9, 11, 16 and 16 (soon to be 17) and I tell them he doesn't mean it when he gets angry at them.  We find ourselves doing everything we can to make him happy, to make sure we don't anger him.  He feels like he's alone but he's not, we are right there with him and he doesn't understand that!

 I'm afraid of the future, afraid that the chemo and radiation haven't done anything to help him, I'm afraid of being alone to raise my children, just afraid.

I'm trying to get therapy for me, but in my area it's hard to get an appointment, my 1st appointment isn't until October!!

I know what your feeling, and am finding this post helpful, too, by the responses you are receiving.