i Feel Lost Sometimes

Debbie,

How are you and your family doing? I hope all is well. I know that the holiday season may be tough for you and your family as you are still dealing with the lost of your husband. I really want to thank you for all of your support and also for trying to keep me encouraged. I also want to apologize for not being on line and taking so long to respond. We had his funeral services and everything went as well as could be expected. However, death seems to bring out really ugly spirits in people. His parents (father) was not very easy to deal with. I'll tell you about that later. I am now in the process of trying to get things together here. Bob and I talked a lot before he passed and he told me all of the things that he wanted me to do but I am having a very difficult time with it. Thanksgiving was extremely hard for me. I feel so lonely now. It is truly unbelievable. I am trying to be stong for Kiersten but it is really hard when I don't know what to do myself. I would love to keep corresponding with you if that is alright. Please let me know how you are doing.

Thank you again for the support.
Janeen

Allison,

Thank you so much for responding to me. I really appreciate your kind and thoughtful wishes. I am trying to maintain a small level of strength but it is really difficult. There is so much stuff that needs to be done and I have no clue how to go about getting it all done and maintaining my sanity.

Thanks again for your encouraging words.

Janeen

Dear Janeen, Hello there, I hope you are feeling a little bit stronger, physically and mentally, I am so glad you are able to keep on connecting with me. How are you doing? are you still a bit numb and in a foggy daze with all that has happened. Sometimes I am still feeling like it happened yesterday, the emotions are so strong at the moment as it is soon Christmas and it is very hard to pretent to the children that everything is going to be O.K. I think that things are just balancing on the edge at the moment, christmas was John's favourite time of the year he always decorated the outside and I decorated the inside, and my sons' friends used to all come over to see the lights, but it is really hard to try and keep up a tradition that I don't have any heart in.
At the shops yesterday I was looking at something for my daughter and I had to go into the ladies rest rooms as I was almost hysterically crying it hit me that hard. So don't worry at all if you can't feel normal or at ease, with yourself or anyone because grief is the worst thing for someone to deal with even with support of family, but if there is some family differences then they should take it away and deal with it later, now is not the time, try and be strong for yourself and your daughter. Are you finding that you are angry all the time, I am the poor kids are really trying my patience and I do know that what they are doing isn't as bad as it seems at the time, but they seem to know at the moment I am
vunerable. John gave me a list of things he would like me to do for him, I felt guilty until I was able to complete all things, I feel he gave me the list so that I would have something to focus on for a while because looking back there was nothing important to be done just little odds and ends,
Do you have a bubble like image of Bobby that keeps appearing and does it feel unreal as if it hasn't happened? Even now I can still hear his voice telling me something, and when I look he isn't there,. I am told that it is a normal occurance and will stop when the haze clears and you can accept the unacceptable, it has stopped a great deal, so it must be true.

I will check the message board every couple of days as I find a great comfort from you, I have been emailing someone from Oregon he has a web site prostate support group called Man to Man his name is Bob maybe we can give MSN details happening through him .
All my love and best wishes to you and Kiersten,

until next we talk Debbie

Hey Debbie,

 I'm sorry it has been so long since I have responded.  I really missed talking to you.  We have been trying to hang in there.  It has been really difficult for both Kiersten and myself.  The holidays were particularly difficult.  I wish that we had some of the resources here that you have there.  I am now looking in to a grief counselor and support group for Kiersten and myself.  I have been so concerned about her that I don't actually think that I have really greaved myself.  The problem for me is that there is so much stuff that needs to be done and I was having so many problems with my in-laws.  Unfortunately, they are not very good people.  They are very materialistic and I haven't heard from them since Thanksgiving. 

Dealing with this is really hard for me.  I miss him so much.  Nothing seems the same for me anymore and I am extremely lonely.  Although my friends do call and check on me it is really not the same.  I went back to work and that wasn't easy.  I seem to only want to lay around and sleep.  Some days I have no desire to get out of the bed so I absolutely know what you mean when you said you seem to be walking around in a daze.  I am working on our bills now, trying to get things caught up.  I must say that this is one task that I don't miss.  Anyway, Bob's death has taken a real toll on me physically and mentally so I will probably spend some time with the grief counselor as well.

How are things for you and your family?  I'm sure the holidays are difficult for all of you as they are for me. 

How do you handle being lonely?  I know that you and John were married for much longer than Bob and I and I seriously don't know how to handle things sometimes.

Again, I'm sorry for the delayed response.  Please respond when you have a minute.

Janeen 

 

Hey Debbie,

 Just checking in with you.  I sent a message a while ago but haven't received a response yet.  I hope all is well with you and your family.  Kiersten just recently got out of the hospital, her sugar got out of control and landed her in ICU.

Please me know that you and your family are ok.

 Sincerely,

Janeen