Lost My Best Friend, My Mommy

I lost my mom, my best friend on November 10th, 2005
It is really a hard struggle. I miss our laughs, our tears together, when I did bad things and got burned out I slept with her and she would hug me, ... I miss her love and hugs.
Im only 22. I lost my nana to pancreatic cancer in 2000, and now Ive lost my mom too. I don't really have any wonderful supportive family. Two family members are there for me, but only since my mom died. I also find it hard to talk to them. Im more alone.
My mom had bowel cancer, and it spread to her ovaries, and then spread to her lungs, liver. The liver cancer cleared up. I don't know what actually let her go in the end. I suppose it was cancer that messed up her body and thinking.
She is diabetic, and the day we took her by ambulance to the hospital, well i thought it was just a diabetic reaction. She was doing the diabetic reaction talk: slurs, mixed up speach etc. I just didn't understand any of it.
As it turned out it was her cancer.
The last night she was alive, I was in the hospital and I have one good memory, that her and i laughed and smiled. She ate a lot too whereas when she was dehydrated i didn't see her laugh or have much of a zeal for life.
I didn't cry or anything when she passed, I was in shock. Numb to my feelings. Im on anti depressants and they don't allow me to cry unless I really do try. I quit them every so often just to let it all out.
How does one deal with losing your best friend who is your mom? I was also her primary caregiver. I just felt suicidal and wanted to be with her again.
I am christian, and i know i have been told over and over that she is in a better place (heaven) helping me and looking down upon me , but Im not certin that is the case. My mom didn't believe in God. and biblically... well i don't know where she went. I would hope Heaven, but i just don't know.

My heart really does go out to you Sonia I too have lost my mother but i also lost my father last year. My mother was only 46 years old and she was diagnosed with non hogkinson lymphoma in the may and we lost her on the 1st october 2003. She was my best friend my only friend. not only do we look alike we are alike. My dad then was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer february 2005 and we lost him 5th September 2005 he was 50 years. i have an older sister i am 27 and my brother is 22 the same age as you. Between losing my parents i gave birth to a beautiful baby daughter i am a single mother and during the pregnancy (which i found out i was pregnant 2 days before i lost my mum) i was on my own. my father was scared i was going to die (for some strange reason) but the day my dughter was born they were all there for me. She is the one and only grandchild to my parents and i am so proud my dad had time to share with her. His wish was to stay with us to see her first day at school but that unfortunatly will not happen. To be honest even after losing my father i say i have not grieved but in reality i have and still do, in my own way. I don't cry and if i was to it would be forced. I believe my mother and father are together. I was with my father when he passed and i asked him if mum was there for him and his actions told me she was. even my sister looked at me as she knew what he was trying to say to us. You don't have to be religous to go to heaven. I'm not a preacher, i only go to church if i need something (baptism, funeral) but i have my beliefs. I believe my parents are together loving each other, living back as husband and wife even on odd occasions probably having a row but i also believe they are around me and my daughter. After losing my mum and being pregnant every other night for 2 weeks my feet would go cold and heavy, even though they were under the covers i believe my mother was sitting on them. doing what she did when i lived at home i never looked just smiled and the night my father passed at 3am my daughter woke me pointing at the bedroom door with her arms out for a hug crying granchie this broke my heart but he came to say goodbye to her. thats what i feel. your mother went where ever you feel comfort. but remember your mother will always be in your heart just like my parents take care and keep your head up and please try to come off those tablets many docs just put patients straight on them when they lose a loved one. they tried with me but i turned them down. Talking helps but it's your decision lovely. take care my thoughts are with you xxxx

I lost my mom on September 12, 2005 to stomach cancer. I
have been looking for some help lately and came upon your
letter. You expressed many of the same things I have faced
and am still facing. I'm 29 years old and my mom too was my
best friend. We lived 3 blocks away from each other and ran a
family business together which meant I would see her
everyday. I went through all the usually stuff after she died
and then my body and emotions seemed to take a break. Well,
now it is all back full force. I have realized that I want to talk to
someone young that has lost a mother as well. Most people
who are here to help still have their mom or their mom passed
away when she was 90. I have compassoin for those people
but a person is suppose to pass away when they are that old.
Not 51 like my mother. The cancer only took 3 months to
knock my mother out. In that time I was beside her everyday in
the hospital with hope. It was not until a week before she died
that the docs told me there was nothing they could do. 3 days
later she was sedated and 3 days after that she was gone. I
don't know where to go from here. My family was brought
together at first, but now I see us slipping away from each
other. It is really hard to see my dad go through this as well. I
feel like I have lost both parents. I have a great husband and a
2 year old girl which keep me going, but I have a hard time
giving them the love I need to. I am also pregnant now and
really having a tough time knowing mom won't be there to hold
this baby. I too am a christian, but boy has my faith been
tested. I've lost hope in everything, which has taken my "light"
for life away. I know our moms would not us want to feel this
way, but I just can't help it. Mabe we'll find peace one day.

I saw that two other people responded to this original message. I am also grieving the loss of my mom, my best friend. She passed away at the end of March. She was battling leiomyosarcoma which metastasized to her lungs. After undergoing a very successful surgery in December '05, she underwent another in March '06. Unfortunately, she never made it out of the hospital. After coming out of the surgery fine and spending a wonderful day with me and our family, things suddenly took a turn for the worse. Nobody really knows what happened but only two days after her surgery, my Mom was put on life support measures. Her body slowly began to shut down and we had to make a decision. We first tried dialysis but when that didn't work, we knew the only thing my Mom would want at that point was to be let go. So on March 29, 2006, we said goodbye to my Mom and let her pass, doctors told us it would be days before she passed but it turned out to be minutes. I know we made the right choice but it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. She was my best friend, I saw her everyday. After the first few weeks, I seemed to be handling things better than I am these days. I'm also expecting my first child, my Mom's first grandchild and have been having a lot of problems with my pregnancy from the start. However, my Mom was always there during those times, now I find it hard because I don't have her to turn to. My husband is wonderful but my Mom and I had a relationship that was amazing and I went to her for everything! My Mom had only turned 53 and I had turned 30 a month before she passed. (Our birthdays are a day apart!) It is helpful to hear that other people my age have lost their mothers, none of my friends have lost their mothers which makes it difficult when talking to them. Thanks for sharing your stories, it is much appreciated. And to my Mom, I will always love you!

my mother told me before she passed that if she wasn't healed here then she would be when she died and either way she would win. Just remeber that for your mom too that she still won she is healed now. God Bless