Hello,
I wish I had a technical answer for you; my only experience with this is an aunt who developed lung cancer after a lifetime of smoking. They removed part of a lung and at least she quit smoking ... Anyway I don't know what stage cancer she had, but she also suffered from leukemia, as well as lymphoma. Yet when she died much later (in her late 80's), ironically she was in complete remission from cancer! She had a stroke that was very disabling and eventually passed away. But back to the lungs: she did have to take daily treatments, breathing some medicine into her lungs several times a day. At least the cancer was gone.
At stage 4 who knows? At least your husband is fighting the valiant fight. I just want to offer my emotional support. I think it's ok to cry and perhaps there is a support group for spouses or other support. At the medical center where I go, there are even massage therapists who massage the caregiver and listen to their woes. They also have many other kinds of support both for the cancer victim and family. Maybe you have something like that nearby?
I lost my mother, in fact the date just passed, suddenly due to septic shock, not cancer, and unfortunately she was in a coma most of the time. As things would have it, we had fought the very day she became ill. At least I could apologize before she fell into a coma and we held hands. I tried to make up for everything by not leaving her hospital bed at all, reading her beloved poetry and so on; she cried even in her coma! Yet I have so many regrets as she died so suddenly. Why didn't i spend more time with her, etc etc.
I am no longer afraid of the process of death after my mom died. I know she knew I was with her. It's so frightening to think of losing someone, especially a spouse in your case. Cancer treatment is so debilitating, it's hard to be supportive because the time might be short and quality of life is diminished, plus you share the pain of the sick person and can't bear it. But with cancer, at least you have some time to resolve any issues, try to spend quality time on the good days, so you won't have those regrets. That is the nugget of advice I would give you. I think you can be both strong and emotional for him. He probably wants to cry too, but it is so hard for men to show their emotions (at least in general).
I know it will be hard to move on after he is gone, yet he will probably tell you to try to find happiness, even with another man, though soul mates come along so seldom.
I have known people who died of AIDS, a friend who is dying right now of metastatic melanoma, and a dear dog who has both metastatic bone cancer and severe hip dysplasia. I babysat the dog last week for the humans, and saw now the terrible suffering he endures. I gave him his pain pills but the help he needed most was to get up off the floor to go out in the garden to poop. He can barely walk now, between the limping of his front legs with the cancer eating up the bones, and the hips that make him fall. The guy who's had him since he was a puppy is surely in denial about the dog being in pain. They will not put him down yet, but the dog clearly feels sick and is in pain despite his pills. Sometimes it is the kinder thing to let go, as gut-wrenching as it is.
That is the other lesson I have - not about pulling the plug on humans, but recognizing the person is slipping away and finding some acceptance there.
Friends can help and I think should not be pushed away. I knew a woman who died from breast cancer, and afterwards I told her husband how, when I asked her how she endured it (the first time around), she said her husband was so, so great, and how she loved to walk with him and their dogs on the beach every day. This lit up his face, I can tell you! Sure, he was grieving, but things like this can really comfort.
Another woman I knew died of pancreatic cancer quickly but pushed everyone away, so her husband had little in the way of a support system. She didn't want anyone to see her sick, she was too proud. Only until she was being spoon-fed morphine did people start coming around anyway, and at that point it was really too late. Good news for the husband though: he approached an old friend he'd always had sort of a crush on, and they've lived together for several years now, in love and very happy. Yes, he still mentions his late wife from
time to time, so she is still in his heart, but he was able to move on and form a new relationship.
But I will say once more, my biggest loss to date has been my mom. If only she were here today. I don't miss my divorced husband at all. But I do miss my dear mother as well as assorted cats who I hope to see in heaven. As an animal lover I always have a cat I love, but of course have pet guilt too and want to cry. But animals are so sensitive, I feel bad crying in front of them because I don't want them to feel bad and worry, much like you with your husband. I understand how you feel I think.
I hope my relating these experiences has helped you somewhat. Find a way to accept and find peace with it as awful as it is. But who knows: he may beat the odds yet! I hope so for your sake. If not, you are not alone, as lonely and bleak as the future looks, you might find peace in letting him go, finally free of pain. I wish you the best.
On 9/19/2009 elenit wrote:Hello,
I just discover this site and I felt like teling what I have to cope with...My husband was dignosed with lung canceer in the early stage in 2006 which hey operated and and revouved one third of his right lung he also went 8 sessions of chemo he was suppose to do 16 but he could not take it so the Dr.stopped him from having any more for three years had check ups every 3 months and everything was going well untill July of 2009 he started having shortness of breath and had a TC done which showed 4 spots 2 on each lung . His Oncologist wated him to try a new treatment but because of his heart condition did not qualified.(he has two open heart surgerys) When he went back to the Dr. he tell us there are about 10 spots 6 on one lung and 5 on the other and told him he is on stage 4 needless to say we were devastated to say the least, Now he is on chemo again (carboplatin and taxol) He had one treatment on September 6th, for the first couple days he had no symtoms at all just yesterday he had some pain in his joints he took some Aleve and it helped him today he has no pain he will do chemo every three weeks for 6 treaments then he will go on Avastin. I am hoping that he will have no side effects. Can someone survive with this type of cancer and for how long.
I am having a hard time with it ...I like to be strong for him but I start to cry when someone asks me how he is doing I keep thinking that he will soon be gone and I don`t think I could live with out him. How does someone cope with something like this?
Can`t stop Crying!
Eleni T