Anger

Can anyone tell me how to stop being angry?  When my late husband was diagnosed with colon cancer at 29 years old, we called places to get help...we called CTCA and Moffit, both told us they couldn't help him and there's nothing they could do for him.  He was put on 3 different chemo treatments together, along with radiation by his doctor. And also had a colostomy bag. For 7 months my husband did these treatments.  At the end of the 7 months they did a scan and the doctor said it looked good, there were no spots to be seen, his scan was clear.  The look on my husbands face was so full of hope.  A month later, 1 month later, he had another scan done.... but this time the news was unbelievable.  We were told the cancer was covering everything, his colon, his stomach, lungs, lymphnodes, evrything.  He was diagnosed in December of 2004 and he died in November of 2005.  He left behind 2 very little boys, me (his wife) 24 years old at the time, his mom and dad, aunts, uncles, cousins, and many dear friends.  Its been almost 4 years and i am STILL angry! How do i get passed being angry????  How do i let go of the anger???  You know... everyone said to me, "you're so strong", "i wish i had your strength".  I am not so strong. I am broken.  Even now, I feel torn to peices. I dont know how to put myself back together.

I cannot tell you how to move past your feeling, and god knows you have every right to be angry. I won't even begin to try and tell you what to do or how to do it. What I can tell you is that as a husband, and a father to two young boys that the last thing I want is for my death to leave my wife angry so long after I am gone. If my cancer kills me, I expect her and my sons to be sad and I would hope that they would always remember me. But it would break my heart to think that 4 years after my death my wife was still angry. I would want my wife and boys to find joy and happiness and love in their lives when I am gone. The hardest part about having cancer for me is not dying, it not being there for the ones I love. It is the fear of what my wife and son's lives will be like after I am gone. I know they will miss me and morn my passing, but I want to be able to sit up in heaven and look down on my family and know that they are truly happy and are living their lives with as much joy as possible. I am pretty sure that your husband feels the same and that he is looking down on you now hoping that you will find happiness. Best of luck to you and your boys.

I cannot tell you how to get over anger, but I can tell you what has worked for me since my own diagnosis two years ago.  It is called prayer, and everyday I tell myself "life is for the living".  It is your responsiblity to live the life God has given you as best you can and to take care of your children.  I do not think your husband would want you to raise them in a world of anger. 

God Bless

I can't imagine what it must be like to live through that.  I'm 29 years old (as is my husband) so although I'm older by a couple of years I can't say I wouldn't be angry too if I had lost my husband when I was 24 years old.  My Dad has stage 4 colon cancer and I will not try to compare my 55 year old Dad's cancer to your 29 year old husbands.  My Dad is too young to have it abut your husband's death from it at his age is simply tragic and completely unfair.  What I will tell you is that I come from a very very close family (five of us kids in the family all have now moved back to our small town and settled down).  Anyways, I look around some days when things aren't looking good for my Dad and I get so angry when I see mean people or hear about criminals or abusive people etc.  because I wonder why God wouldn't give them terminal cancer and instead give it to my really amazing Dad.  I'm sure you can relate to how we look at people and wish we could give THEM cancer instead.  Anyways, the thing that gives me so much comfort are these two things.  First...I know because my Dad has such a strong faith that he will be in heaven the split second he is gone and I can't fathom what an amazing place that will be.  The other thing that gives me comfort is that I really feel in my heart that the five of us kids and my Mom, would not have ever fully recovered if we would have lost Dad in a sudden way (heart attack, car accident etc).  I believe with my WHOLE heart that God knew we needed to have time to grasp that we would be losing Dad and time to try to come to peace with it.  Lastly, I have come to also believe that some day we will all be in heaven together and the second we experience how amazing it is, you will wonder why you ever tried so hard to stay on Earth.  The anger and the grief is you wanting your husband back.  I don't blame you one bit.  He sounds like he was a wonderful husband and Dad and it's obvious that you love him a lot.  Try to imagine what he would tell you if he had 3 minutes back on Earth.  I think he would tell you how wonderful heaven is.  He would tell you how sorry he is that he's gone, and he would tell you that he doesn't want you to spend the rest of your life angry because in the end...the anger will not bring him back but will change the quality of YOUR life while you're still on Earth.  I will keep you and your boys in my prayers.  You should be proud of yourself for realizing how you're feeling and acting and for wanting to make it better.  God bless you....high strung daughter. 

Thank you... i am sure your wife and children will handle this better then me. But i hope to god that you will be able to pull through this.  I would not wish this on any family.  The heartbreak is just so unbearable.  I will pray for you and you family, just remember to fight, as hard and as long as you can, fight! For them.

 

On 9/24/2009 nolalady wrote:

I cannot tell you how to get over anger, but I can tell you what has worked for me since my own diagnosis two years ago.  It is called prayer, and everyday I tell myself "life is for the living".  It is your responsiblity to live the life God has given you as best you can and to take care of your children.  I do not think your husband would want you to raise them in a world of anger. 

God Bless

I pray everday! Not just for me and my family, but for all families that have to go through this. And my children are not being raised in a world of anger, my anger is not for them.  I love my kids and they go through everyday knowing they are loved.

 

On 9/24/2009 HIGH STRUNG DAUGHTER wrote:

I can't imagine what it must be like to live through that.  I'm 29 years old (as is my husband) so although I'm older by a couple of years I can't say I wouldn't be angry too if I had lost my husband when I was 24 years old.  My Dad has stage 4 colon cancer and I will not try to compare my 55 year old Dad's cancer to your 29 year old husbands.  My Dad is too young to have it abut your husband's death from it at his age is simply tragic and completely unfair.  What I will tell you is that I come from a very very close family (five of us kids in the family all have now moved back to our small town and settled down).  Anyways, I look around some days when things aren't looking good for my Dad and I get so angry when I see mean people or hear about criminals or abusive people etc.  because I wonder why God wouldn't give them terminal cancer and instead give it to my really amazing Dad.  I'm sure you can relate to how we look at people and wish we could give THEM cancer instead.  Anyways, the thing that gives me so much comfort are these two things.  First...I know because my Dad has such a strong faith that he will be in heaven the split second he is gone and I can't fathom what an amazing place that will be.  The other thing that gives me comfort is that I really feel in my heart that the five of us kids and my Mom, would not have ever fully recovered if we would have lost Dad in a sudden way (heart attack, car accident etc).  I believe with my WHOLE heart that God knew we needed to have time to grasp that we would be losing Dad and time to try to come to peace with it.  Lastly, I have come to also believe that some day we will all be in heaven together and the second we experience how amazing it is, you will wonder why you ever tried so hard to stay on Earth.  The anger and the grief is you wanting your husband back.  I don't blame you one bit.  He sounds like he was a wonderful husband and Dad and it's obvious that you love him a lot.  Try to imagine what he would tell you if he had 3 minutes back on Earth.  I think he would tell you how wonderful heaven is.  He would tell you how sorry he is that he's gone, and he would tell you that he doesn't want you to spend the rest of your life angry because in the end...the anger will not bring him back but will change the quality of YOUR life while you're still on Earth.  I will keep you and your boys in my prayers.  You should be proud of yourself for realizing how you're feeling and acting and for wanting to make it better.  God bless you....high strung daughter. 

Well i kind of agree with you.  Although i dont think its right or fair that good people have to go through this kind of hell, i would not wish this on anyone. 

 

Yes my husband was an amazing person, i will always love him and miss him. And so will my boys.  I know that someday we will all be together again... and it will be beautiful and peaceful.  I cant imagine losing a parent and im so sorry for your pain. and like i said to the others who responded to me as well, I will pray for all who have to endure cancer.

I just want to tell you how sorry I am for your loss - I don't know how to get past the anger. I am living with Stage IV colon cancer. I know at times when people say "you are so strong" etc. on days I feel anything but strong - I try to realize they are trying to encourage me. I also have a friend battling breast cancer that is someone I can vent my true feelings to. She understands and forgives me when I'm a Witch. Many of the support groups I've tried have been people who seem like they enjoy being stuck on cancer. I don't find too much of what I'm looking for in those (but you might). I think cancer has taken enough of your life away already. I know if I die I want my family to love the lives they have ahead of them. I know it would be without me but I know life IS good. I want them to go forward with the life they HAVE - enduring a loss makes you different and opens your heart in ways you would have never known without it. Not that it's the hand you'd wish for ... but sadly it's the one you've got. I hope this helps - if not cuss me to your best friend. I send you love and prayers for some peace and closure. Again I am so sorry that you are having to deal with the pain and loss. When you can remember him for how he lived - more than for how he died.