How do we proceed?

My husband found out tonight that his mother has lung cancer. Now I know that for most people this would be an obvious answer but let me explain why it isn't. 3 years ago Mat (my husband) and his mother had a falling out. She told him he was worthless and that she wished she had never given birth to him. There has been no contact between them since that time. My husband was devistated at the time but with counseling and the support of his friends and my family he has come to realize he doesn't need her. Now that he is getting back on his feet and becoming the confident man and wonderful father that he used to be, he gets hit with this. He is very confused about whether he should call her or wait for her to call him. He loves his mother no matter what she has said to him but I'm not sure we (our children and I) can handle the depression he endured after the last blow up again.  

His mother will not survive the lung cancer. She has COPD, asthma, smokes 2 packs of cigarettes a day and already wears oxygen. She has been intubated from COPD exacerbations twice and she is only 62. She has high blood pressure, diabetes, acid reflux, and mental disorders. 

My questions to put out to this group are:

Should he contact her or wait for her to contact him?

Would his presence make her treatments more successful or hinder her progress?

Most importantly to me, Do you think Mat talking to his mother will help him have less guilt when she passes? (He still has a lot of guilt about walking away from her and not continuing to support her anymore.) 

I can only speak from my own experiences, but it was from my heart.  My late mother was mentally abusive and quite cruel.  I left home as soon as I was able, and got as far away as I could.  Even so, I loved the witch, and was foolish enough to continue to try to EARN her love, long long after I should have given up.  I think this is hard wired into a child, and in my case it really did take.

When she got sick (with multiple myeloma) I essentially commuted, every other weekend half way across the country to try to help.  She never offered to pay for the air fare, or anything else.  She never said thank you.  And she continued to abuse me until she finally died.

Her dying is the only thing that put an end to it.

I feel like I did the right thing and made the effort, and it was a heroic one on my part, and undertaken at considerable cost.  I was working full time, had a house, a husband, and a 5 year old.  I used to get on the plane immediately afterwork on Friday afternoons, and come back on the first flight on Monday morning, going direct from the airport to work. On those weekends, I didn't see my son, my husband, or my home.  I got to the point where I didn't even see myself.

And for what?  In a futile effort to get her to love me?  Trust me:  you can never make that work for you.  In my case, in doing my daughterly duty, I played right into her abusive hands.

It wasn't worth it, and neither was she.  Even now, 20 years later, when I think of what I put myself and my family thru, I kick myself.

I sure identify with this scenario.  My family quit speaking to me many years ago.  Had contact with one sister.   Dad died long ago.  Mom diagnosed with lung cancer that was terminal.  I wasn't sure what to do.  In the end I sent a note to tell her I loved her and would keep her in my prayers.  No response back but I didn't expect one.  But......I know that I made an effort;  feel like I did all I could and have no guilt.  Good luck in whatever you decide. 

applejacks,

Unfortunately, I believe these questions can only be answered by your husband Mat, perhaps with your input.  Things such as this situation your husband finds himself in are so intensely personal that no an outsider can't really have much valuable input.  It depends on how much more Mat is willing to do for his mother, how much more stuff he will put up with from her, how important it is to him to do what society calls 'the right thing', how much of  grip she has on his mind, etc.  There is no right or wrong answer, just what Mat and you feel is the best thing for him, you and your family at this time.  He won't want to look back in later years and feel guilty about anything so both of you should give careful consideration to this whole issue.

Godspeed and I pray He will guide you in making the right decision for all concerned.

Joan L