New to this Site

Hi all,

My name is Milly. I have decided to join and share our journey, need to share with someone who is going through this. As many of you know there is only so much you can tell the spouse and family. How do you say I,m tired of this I want it to go away without making it sound like you dont want to do what you should. Those of you who need to say that will understand. Anyway I dont mean I dont care I'm just tired. I will not let him know how angry I am at the cancer, how dissappointed I am at the doc saying enjoy the holidays and you should make the best of it. He is my other half how do I except the fact that I will have to live life without him. I dont want to!!!!!!

We have been battling this since 2001. Dave was stage IV when they found it, the old story where he ignored the symptoms too long.( I think sometimes I am angry with him for that.) Surgery was not an option at that point, it had already left the prostate. We have done well until recently. We have been through hormone therapy, tried genetherapy, chemo several times, still doing it weekly, and yes radiation. We no longer get to enjoy life much. It's all about gaining time now.

I feel really selfish wishing we could just dance again, walk to the river with a glass of wine and watch the sunset, go look for the perfect antique for the old Victorian house we have worked on for years. I have to wonder why cant I just feel happy to have him beside me. I know it really doesn't make sense for me to be mad at myself for wanting the normal in life to come back. Sometimes we need to be selfish I suppose.

                                                                      Milly

Sometimes, when she's lying asleep beside me, the thought runs through my mind that she could be gone at any time... perhaps months... perhaps years. I don't know. Then I feel guilty for the thought ever to have crossed my mind. We still do all the things we used to before diagnosis (about eight months ago), but it's the saddness that greets me every moring and breaks into my days just when everything seems normal again that is wearing me down. The other thing that fills me with guilt is the thoughts I've been ahving of what to do when she is gone. She's not gone. She doesn't want to be gone. Neither do I. She's my wife and the greatest friend I've ever had. I think these thoughts are just a part of what it is to be human. I think it's the same with you.

Tad

On Oct 20, 2009 12:00 AM millyppl wrote:

Hi all,

My name is Milly. I have decided to join and share our journey, need to share with someone who is going through this. As many of you know there is only so much you can tell the spouse and family. How do you say I,m tired of this I want it to go away without making it sound like you dont want to do what you should. Those of you who need to say that will understand. Anyway I dont mean I dont care I'm just tired. I will not let him know how angry I am at the cancer, how dissappointed I am at the doc saying enjoy the holidays and you should make the best of it. He is my other half how do I except the fact that I will have to live life without him. I dont want to!!!!!!

We have been battling this since 2001. Dave was stage IV when they found it, the old story where he ignored the symptoms too long.( I think sometimes I am angry with him for that.) Surgery was not an option at that point, it had already left the prostate. We have done well until recently. We have been through hormone therapy, tried genetherapy, chemo several times, still doing it weekly, and yes radiation. We no longer get to enjoy life much. It's all about gaining time now.

I feel really selfish wishing we could just dance again, walk to the river with a glass of wine and watch the sunset, go look for the perfect antique for the old Victorian house we have worked on for years. I have to wonder why cant I just feel happy to have him beside me. I know it really doesn't make sense for me to be mad at myself for wanting the normal in life to come back. Sometimes we need to be selfish I suppose.

                                                                      Milly

Hi Milly...be kind to yourself...way to hard on yourself....hi, I am OUdave....20 month head and neck cancer survivor.....man, what is a harder job than acaregiver...the loss of control, your own life, and the frustrations of thinking about your past lives together.....you have been thru a tramatic experience so you have been tramatized....

If I had read this post sooner I would have responded ASAP....there are somany cliches and you will need to find ways to vent...pyschologist, good friends, relatives you can trust...don't worry so much what you think someone might think of you.....

Turn your pain and suffering, fatigue and lonliness over to the Lord and ask for his guidancce and assistance...He is waiting to her your call...your cry...your whispers.....

Still do stuff you enjoy like exercise, shopping, movies, music reading etc....and don't feel guilty........that is what the Bible passage means, he maketh me lie down in the green pasture and the still waters.....Your god will find a way to give you peace of mind and rest over time.....what did Jesus offer.....he could have said lots of stuff but he said Rest......Come to Me and I will give you rest....

You are not selfish-you are a trooper battling since 2001...simply find or pay someone to talk to-someone you can trust like a pyschologist in a cancer hospital.....everyone forgets the toll cancer takes on the caregiver.....not bargained for but you are not a bad person-just a tired one who feels guilty.......the Lord will Listen to you and in the quiet in the Day...if you are still and listen....he will answer You with Love, Kindness, Foregiveness...and speak your mind....he can handle outbursts and anger...JOB went on for pages......give it to him....and then be still and Listen....

I am listening too.....

You ar a good person-God Bless You and your husband-he is lucky.

Oudave