how to tell a parent w/ alzheimers advice

I could really use some advice. My sister has melanoma. She has been fighting since last December when she was diagnosed. Unfortunately, it has become too advanced and she can't take any more treatment. She is now in a Hospice center and is unable to even speak. Our mother has Alzheimers and it is also advanced to where she has little logic but still knows who her children are. Since my sister was diagnosed with melanoma, she didn't want to tell our mother about it. My question is, do I tell our mother now? If I don't, how do I keep her from ever knowing? I've discussed this w/ doctors, nurses, the people at Hospice and even counselors but none of them has faced this. They all say that people with advanced Alzheimers have a very difficult time dealing with complex situations, therefore, it would do more harm then good by telling her. If anyone out there has faced this terrible dilemma, I would really like to hear from you.

God bless all of you who are fighting and dealing with cancer.

Your's is a tough situation.  While I was not faced with the exact same decision as you, my sister died six weeks after my father who was in a nursing home.  My family and I often discussed, after the fact, would we have told dad that my sister had died if he had still been alive - we can never come to a conclusion.  The answer is - there is no right answer.  I know you want someone just to tell you what is the correct thing to do.  But, alas, if your decision is made with love for your mother then you will do the right thing - whatever you do.  With your mother's advanced Alzheimers, she most likely will not remember on a daily basis about your sister's illness - then what? Do you remind her every day, will she spend the day worrying about your sister, feeling helpless to help her.  If you don't tell her, will your Mom sense that there is something that the family is keeping from her.  

Go with your heart - no right or wrong - you do not need to feel guilt with whichever decision you make.  Be strong - you have a lot on your plate right now!   

Hi

I don't know how much help I can be, but just to tell you that I have stage 4 melanoma and an 89  year old mother living in England who has senile dementia  and not much memory left.I am the only child and have gone back and forth about whether to tell her and still keep coming back to the same conclusion to not say anything. As I know she wouldn't remember and the next day would ask me what I'd said and then she would have to hear it all over again. I don't feel I can really advise you one way of the other as every one is different, but I know this is a really difficult predicament. I guess the main question to ask is what would ultimately cause her the less distress. My heart going out to you

Skyfky