trouble being strong for wife

My wife is the one with cancer, but I'm the one who's a mess. I take anti-depressants and hold myself together at home, but I struggle to keep a straight face at work and often can't sleep. I have taken on much more responsibility at home and am glad for it, but I have trouble talking with her about our future. She is a strong woman and has focused on life without cancer, but I wake up each day completely heartbroken. I need to be stronger for her sake and don't know how. I just love her so much. Please help.

From a wife with cancer... aside from support groups through cancer help org. in your area, I would suggest a friend you can vent to. But don't leave your wife out. If she is the strong woman you say she is - she probably wants to help you in your struggles too. Pull together and it will be a strength to you both. Now I'm not saying dump on the girl but be vulnerable and draw near to each other. I know everyone handles their diagnosis in different ways but for me it is harder for me to watch my family suffer second hand with something they can't change for me. I love it when they share with me and we can be close. It makes me feel safe to share with them.

Thank you. I know what you're saying. Most of the time she knows I am here for her--she acknowledges what I do and thanks me, not just with words, but with her expressionsl. I guess it's the helplessness I feel that I don't want her to see. In the past I would blather on and on about my feelings, but haven't lately. I try to listen more and not comment so much.

Gosh! you are just the opposite of my husband,  sometimes I don't think he even cares.  Your wife is holding strong because you are caring all the burden for her.  Bless your heart.   

Radish,  I forgot to suggest keeping a journal,  there you can pour out your feelings on paper,  It really does help,  maybe you could write a book.  I don't think I've seen the story from the other side of cancer.  I will be praying for your strength.  GOD Bless

I keep meaning to journal, but every afternoon after work I end up just enjoying my 8-year old son's company. All that he knows is that his mom had a big lump taken out of her leg. Just in case the worst happens I want him to know that I'm still going to be here for him. My wife works long hours and can't see him as much as she would like, but beccause our insurance is through her workplace, she doesn't have much of a choice.

Perhaps I should stop researching synovial sarcoma so much. I keep looking for hope and have found some inspirational survivor stories. This website has been a Godsend. [Two months ago we cancelled our cable TV. We've been cutting back. Even with Blue Cross, we've amassed tens of thousands in hospital costs that are not covered.] With all the news programs gone I found myself having one less stressor in my life. I'm just trying to make sure that my wife doesn't tune out the cancer in order to feel better for now. We all love her very much and want her to live and I know that she wants to live too. Thank you.

Here I am taking in all of your kind words without giving anything in return. I appologize. I've been in such a bubble lately. In regards to your husband, I wonder if his seeming indifference is his way of coping with something over which he has no control. When two people marry, part of the pact is that we will take care of oneanother in sickness and/or in health. With cancer, there is so little that a husband (or wife) can do. Sure, we can pick up with household chores, or other little things, but the helplessness is so overwhelming. Perhaps were your husband to show just how much he really does care, it would pull him down too far. Just like I have to put on my emotional mask when I'm at work, sometimes and for some of us, we just leave that mask on all of the time. It's hard for everyone. Take care.

Radish,

Lump out of your wife's leg, does she have a sarcoma?  If so, what type and how aggressive is it?  I've shared my story with several folks on here who have been diagnosed with Myxoid Liposarcoma but you and I have quite a bit more in common as my wife is the one with the cancer.  She is now 33 (diagnosed when she was 31) and we have three children (ages 4, 3, and 1).  Here is our story that I've copied and pasted from my other posts in here:

Hello!!  My wife had a myxoid Liposarcoma removed from her right thigh earlier this year.  At the time she was 31 years old and 18 weeks pregnant.  In this forum I gave a private reply to the person who started this thread, but in light of the other messages, I'll post a quick synopsis of our story.  In February, my wife found the lump in her leg while taking a shower.  It was painless, firm (but not solid) and moveable and about the size of a egg.  The progression of Drs took us to a surgeon who removed just the mass which, after three weeks and several pathologists, came back as a Myxoid Liposarcoma (tumor was 7.5 X 4 X 2.5, stage II) with a positve margin.  We were referred to a a Radiology Oncologist who recommended termination of pregnancy and high dose radiation (60 cGy if memory serves me correctly).  We were not going to terminate pregnancy without a second opinion.  The original surgeon had mentioned that Sloan Kettering in New York sees more sarcomas than anybody.  Within two weeks we were on a train to New York City (we live in South Central PA) and met with Dr. Samuel Singer.  Thank God for Dr Singer!!  He is one of the top Sarcoma surgeons in the country.  Anyway, after we told him of the original plan of treatment as recommended by our local Drs, Dr Singer was appalled and assured us that radiation was NOT necessary and we absolutely did not need to terminate the pregnancy, we just needed a good surgery.  Subsequently, my wife had surgery during her second trimester in May in which Dr Singer took a 17 X 10 X 5 cm chunk (including the sartorius muscle) out of my wife's thigh (radical resection).  The pathology showed no gross or microscopic disease and Dr Singer said he'd be surprised if this thing ever came back.  So, my advise to you, get to a surgeon who has experience with sarcomas and don't be afraid to get that second opinion.  Do not let them do anything to your you are not comfortable with just because the Dr says so.  Ours questioning and seeking of a second opinion saved our baby's life (born Sept 4) and maybe my wife's life.  Please feel free to email me if you have any questions regarding our experience.  My email address is --Message edited by CancerCompass staff. For personal protection, email address removed. Consider private reply. Please review CancerCompass Member Guidelines at http://www.cancercompass.com/common/guidelines.html--, just put in subject line "myxoid liposarcoma" so I don't lump in in with junk mail.  God bless you and I truely hope and pray all goes well for every one of you!

We've had three subsequent visits to Kettering and everything is going well.  The baby just turned 1 and is doing great!!

What I can tell you from my experience is this, if you feel like crying, cry.  Even if it's in the presence of you wife.  If you feel like laughing, laugh.  Even in the presence of your wife.  What those of us who are living with cancer victims forget is what they crave the most is normalcy.  Being disingenuous is very transparent which only adds to their angst.  Allow yourself to be human and deal with this how you have to, that's the only way you will be emotionally available to your wife.  Hang in there and please keep me updated as I will check in to see how you and your wife are progressing.  God bless!

Greg

Greg

Thank you Greg. It's great to hear that your wife and child are doing well. My wife and I have made some progress too. My wife is 47 years old and was diagnosed with Synovial Sarcoma last March. The tumor has been present for approximately 13 years, but only came to the surface last January. The first resection (before the type of cancer was known) left positive margins. A month later a top tumor surgeon at Chicago's  Rush Medical University removed the excess material (5.2x1.5 cm) with negative margins. Her treatment followed with six weeks of radiation. We were both satisfied with the treatment she received at the time. The emotional complications for me began to build afterwards.

First, we were surprized to learn that when we switched from an HMO to a PPO (to be able to see more qualified doctors) our deductable went from $5,000 to $20,000 (on top of the $5,000 we already paid).

Next, in response to all that I have read on Synovial Sarcomas, the patient should receive an MRI every three months for the first two years. After four months and nothing I began to worry (more). I called her oncologist who told me that her primary care physician (PCP) would have to write the new order. I contacted him and was told that my wife would have to make an appointment with him first. Yet my wife figured the doctors knew what they were doing and decided to simply wait until they contacted her. Knowing this would likely not happen, I got after her to make an appointment. She resisted, even though she began experiening new pains in her leg, developing a limp. I tried having her family persuade her, but that only made her upset. Finally, after repeated faxes and calls to her oncologist, the oncologist wrote the order and mailed it. Soon as she received the order, my wife scheduled her CT and MRI. We now have our copies, but have yet to meet with the oncologist.

In the interim, I began taking anti-depressents and tomorrow, will begin meeting with a counselor. We also have the issue of $25,000 in medical bills that we cannor pay. I have told my wife that our parents (both sets) will help, but she is fiercely independant--and as such, often resistant to outside help--even from her immediate family.

I think what has helped my the most is that through my persistence, I was able to get her the follow up tests she needed. From now on I plan to have a much more active role in her treatment.