How do I deal with his adult children

I dont know how to deal with his son! 2 weeks ago the nurse practioner had a tough talk with me about Dave's condition stating he was not going to get better. One of those hard reality check moments for me. I talked to my kids about it and they agreed with her I should have a talk with his kids both of which live far away. His daughter and her family are awesome supporters, I couldn't love her more if she were my own. His son will not speak to me I have sent emails that he needs to call me and tried to call him. I gave his daughter the docs number as they said they would be happy to talk to the kids, The son got the phone number from his sister and did email that he was going to talk to the docs and would call me after that. He really makes me feel uncomfortable with the way he's acting. I worry about him causing trouble as even though we have been together for 9 years we have not married. He asked a few years ago and I said yes but have had bad expirience in the past so we have just left things as they are. Now I'm worried about his son being so weird. He has acted weird at holidays in the past wanting his mom and dad and their family only to spend holidays at exwifes house with me at home by myself, yes that was a trouble maker. I feel like he is going to start that behavior again refusing to talk to me. And his dad does not understand how bad his health really is, he gets confused really easy from all the meds for pain and has been told to stay off feet the ca has mets in right leg, hip and lower vertebreas. I'm just very frustrated. In my family we always take care of each other and dont behave this way, we invite each other to share and enjoy good times and really stand by each other in bad times.       Milly

Maybe you ask his daughter who seems to have worked out things a little better for her own serenity to be the connection to her brother. Tell her you care for both of them and want to make sure that they are part of the circle of loving caregiving for their dad, to whatever extent they are able to be there. Welcome them. You're going to have to just open your house, your arms, your heart. No one wants to have any hurt feelings or regrets about how relationships weren't working on top of grieving for their father. I sense that you are willing to keep trying... good for you and bless you. If the son is still uncomfortable there's not much more you can do. But don't give up, now or ever. Just be who you are and hopefully he'll find a way, too.  Funny how when we were kids we thought grown-ups didn't really have complicated feelings anymore. Hah! It's such hard work... gets harder and harder. But it's worth it.

Take care & good luck.

Sarah

On Oct 26, 2009 3:45 PM millyppl wrote:

I dont know how to deal with his son! 2 weeks ago the nurse practioner had a tough talk with me about Dave's condition stating he was not going to get better. One of those hard reality check moments for me. I talked to my kids about it and they agreed with her I should have a talk with his kids both of which live far away. His daughter and her family are awesome supporters, I couldn't love her more if she were my own. His son will not speak to me I have sent emails that he needs to call me and tried to call him. I gave his daughter the docs number as they said they would be happy to talk to the kids, The son got the phone number from his sister and did email that he was going to talk to the docs and would call me after that. He really makes me feel uncomfortable with the way he's acting. I worry about him causing trouble as even though we have been together for 9 years we have not married. He asked a few years ago and I said yes but have had bad expirience in the past so we have just left things as they are. Now I'm worried about his son being so weird. He has acted weird at holidays in the past wanting his mom and dad and their family only to spend holidays at exwifes house with me at home by myself, yes that was a trouble maker. I feel like he is going to start that behavior again refusing to talk to me. And his dad does not understand how bad his health really is, he gets confused really easy from all the meds for pain and has been told to stay off feet the ca has mets in right leg, hip and lower vertebreas. I'm just very frustrated. In my family we always take care of each other and dont behave this way, we invite each other to share and enjoy good times and really stand by each other in bad times.       Milly

People deal with grief different ways but as this child and yourself have had past severe dissagrements, this has just escalated the problem. PLEASE go see an attorney, have your husband update his will and get things legally done as this is the time to take charge. You cannot force people to like you, He is the one who has issues it seems. Please take care of yourself and your children. You also can get married and that would solve a problem. Your husband would like that. Have a minister come to the home and a little ceremony. This is a problem that needs immediate attention. Take care MMS

Thank you for the encouragement I have made it very plain our home is there's to. I will continue to do just that.

                                                    Milly

We had a discussion about the marriage thing and we are going to go ahead and do it. His daughters husband will do the ceremony with only our chidren and grandchildren there. I haven't told his son but after I posted the message I wrote a very strong heartfelt letter and emailed it to his son. He sent me a message this morning to tell me now that he's settled into the news some he is glad I am here for his dad. I'm still not so sure how he will take the marriage news but I have decided to set a bedroom up for the kids so they can come in and out anytime and feel at home, I have also made it very plain to both of them they are welcome day or night for as long as they would like. I hope they both take advantage of this. Fortunately we have room to do each of them their own room maybe that will help give them a feeling of being welcome. Thanks for the great advice.

                                                 Milly